What are the thoughts/feelings that are torturing you (the most)?

[venin]

What's the flame that burns the worst?

 

[FuneralCry]

For me it's the thought that this existence could potentially go on for decades longer if I don't find a way to leave as I'm in my 20's now and it disturbs me how the human life expectancy is so long.

It's just horrifying to think of how there is unlimited potential for suffering and cruelty in this existence and I just don't have any desire to decay from age in an existence I never really wished to endure in the first place.

And this is why I despise pro-life people so much as not everyone wants to be tortured by old age, having the option to leave peacefully on my own terms would be ideal and it's inhumane how we are denied that, it fills me with dread thinking of what lies ahead, I only desire permanent sleep where I never have to endure another second of the curse that is existence.

 

[neonzebra]

I have three.
- my mother is dead
- I continue to pine over my last heartbreak
- I have no control over my life. I can't get the motivation to do anything. I feel like I'm out of control and it's getting worse - my life is crumbling around me

These three things together are making it all unbearable.. the main people who loved me are gone and I am running out of energy to change anything

 

[venin]

I have three.
- my mother is dead
- I continue to pine over my last heartbreak
- I have no control over my life. I can't get the motivation to do anything. I feel like I'm out of control and it's getting worse - my life is crumbling around me

These three things together are making it all unbearable.. the main people who loved me are gone and I am running out of energy to change anything

That sounds like a lot… I'm sorry it's this way

 

[jessisme]

Mine is a future of certain homelessness and the accompanying endless suffering. Due to circumstances in my life unfortunately this is a harsh reality for me. Also my mother dying. I depend on her greatly, she is the only thing keeping me alive (literally she houses and feeds me) and I love her deeply. Life would be nothing without her on every single possible level and she is elderly and aging fast.

 

[venin]

Mine is a future of certain homelessness and the accompanying endless suffering. Due to circumstances in my life unfortunately this is a harsh reality for me. Also my mother dying. I depend on her greatly, she is the only thing keeping me alive (literally she houses and feeds me) and I love her deeply. Life would be nothing without her on every single possible level and she is elderly and aging fast.

I hope she sticks around as much as possible

Do you also suffer from physical stuff?

 

[jessisme]

I hope she sticks around as much as possible

Do you also suffer from physical stuff?

I am on US disability for mental illness (bipolar 1) and have been for the past thirteen years.

 

[rosenrot]

that im a burden with no function in society

 

[sammiechzxv]

The person I love most & the only person I felt safe and comfortable with and genuinely understood me hates me now

 

[Darkover]

constant clicking in my ears and feeling like shit for 7 years straight feeling dullness and boredom there's only one thing keeping me going in life weed without that i'd be in a world of pain

 

[winamp]

- disgust and feeling uncomfortable with anything sexual
- violent intrusive or sexually intrusive thoughts every blue moon
- constantly remembering people that I no longer wish to talk to
- loneliness
- excitement and fear of job searching
- trying to stay sober from SH although I feel good and like I could beat my last streak
- weird feelings about my body/apperance
- anger about things/my life not going according to plan
- the thought of giving up instead of pushing through and hanging on
- the state of the world

constant clicking in my ears and feeling like shit for 7 years straight feeling dullness and boredom there's only one thing keeping me going in life weed without that i'd be in a world of pain

is that what tinnitus is like? is that considered tinnitus? if you don't mind me asking of course

I always assumed that it was off and on kind of or random because I haven't looked much into it but I find it interesting and would like to understand

 

[EndJstifiesTheMeans]

The person I love most & the only person I felt safe and comfortable with and genuinely understood me hates me now

Same

 

[fortaptimørket]

My high school sweetheart, and I were married for 13 years. No kids, but we (I thought at least) intensely loved each other. Loved to travel together, and have fun. Found out in December that she had been cheating on me for an indeterminate amount of time. In my heartbreak I told her I'd do anything for her to stay. Over the years, I lost who I was, just to make her happy, and took on a job that put my health at risk to ensure that she had somewhere nice to spend her life with me, and now in the aftermath, I've tried everything to pull out of it. None of what I used to love is fun anymore. Concerts. Hikes. Mountain biking. Travel. Now it all feels so empty, and I feel isolated. I found out a few weeks after signing our lease, which is up in Feb of next year. I've got a trip planned to a dream destination for me at the end of the year, and I'm making my preparations to do it there. That way I can at least make a final attempt at happiness, albeit alone, before I'm gone.

 

[FeyB]

Mine is that i have no control in my life cause always turns up the same as before, no matter how hard I try, and with that the spiral of thought that I can't even be that decent human being of acknowledge my progress towards the goals i settled for myself.
So my intruse thought that torments me the most is if will I ever escape this cycle of putting myself goals within the meaningless existance of my life, reaching it, and still being unsatisfied and disguested at myself

 

[Takamagahara]

There's a lot of little reasons that add up, but they all lead back to one thing: I don't have any control over my own happiness. When you make a decision or take an action under your own agency, the outcome is out of your control. And the vast majority of the time, it's an outcome that's not in your favor.

You can choose to love someone, and no matter how selfless or good you think you are, they can just as easily choose not to love you back.

You can choose to work hard at a career or a job that means something to you, and the systems and hierarchies can decide, on their own, that there is no place for you.

You can choose to indulge in your art for its own sake, only to find that no one finds any meaning in your work.

The only people who are capable of believing that "it's worth it to keep trying", are just people who have yet to have their expectations fully betrayed.

 

[Borderline]

I wish I had died the last time I tried to kill myself, but I'm alive.

 

[venin]

I am on US disability for mental illness (bipolar 1) and have been for the past thirteen years.

Sorry to hear that

that im a burden with no function in society

You care about society that much?

The person I love most & the only person I felt safe and comfortable with and genuinely understood me hates me now

constant clicking in my ears and feeling like shit for 7 years straight feeling dullness and boredom there's only one thing keeping me going in life weed without that i'd be in a world of pain

Clicking? Not tinnitus?

Why the dullness and boredom?

 

[777cave]

I get so depressed and hopeless when I don't have a reliable way to ctb and IDK if and when I'll find one. I'm crying just thinking about it.

 

[Suspect_Device]

That I'll never be healthy again.

 

[FindingHome]

The flashbacks. Reliving what I have gone through. There seems to be no end in sight.

 

[ToTheTwillight]

Underrated totrture in society is manipulation. Something I been a big victim of, those things can really fuck with you, they happen very subtly that's hard to pick on, and it perturbs you. Mindfuck is a huge torture!

 

[jbear824]

Right now:

- me my best friend and my partner are going to be homeless with no way out of it.

- I'll probably die of hypothermia, heat exhaustion/stroke, starvation, or from my diabetes once I can no longer manage it due to being homeless.

- my death with leave my 65 yr old friend and my autistic partner all by themselves. My older friend probably won't last long which means my partner will end up homeless all alone. The suffering he will endure is destroying my sanity.

 

[Baron]

I hate myself and I am constantly reminded of that everyday.

 

[777cave]

I hate myself and I am constantly reminded of that everyday.

This is me

 

[doneforlife]

That will be a long list. I don't have the skill set to fight life and it's challenges.

 

[lovelypirategirl]

Mine is that i have no control in my life cause always turns up the same as before, no matter how hard I try, and with that the spiral of thought that I can't even be that decent human being of acknowledge my progress towards the goals i settled for myself.
So my intruse thought that torments me the most is if will I ever escape this cycle of putting myself goals within the meaningless existance of my life, reaching it, and still being unsatisfied and disguested at myself

This is exactly how I feel... I'm just tired of fighting and the landing on the same spot where I was at the beginning

 

[venin]

That will be a long list. I don't have the skill set to fight life and it's challenges.

Top 3?

This is exactly how I feel... I'm just tired of fighting and the landing on the same spot where I was at the beginning

My life for the last 8 years

I hate myself and I am constantly reminded of that everyday.

Also getting that reminder quite often

Right now:

- me my best friend and my partner are going to be homeless with no way out of it.

- I'll probably die of hypothermia, heat exhaustion/stroke, starvation, or from my diabetes once I can no longer manage it due to being homeless.

- my death with leave my 65 yr old friend and my autistic partner all by themselves. My older friend probably won't last long which means my partner will end up homeless all alone. The suffering he will endure is destroying my sanity.

I'm really sorry to hear about that. I hope you somehow manage to overcome them

Thank you for sharing

Underrated totrture in society is manipulation. Something I been a big victim of, those things can really fuck with you, they happen very subtly that's hard to pick on, and it perturbs you. Mindfuck is a huge torture!

Well stated! Very well

The flashbacks. Reliving what I have gone through. There seems to be no end in sight.

I basically know what those are but idk enough to figure out if I have them or I am just remembering stuff.

Can you tell me a bit about them so I can figure this out? Not the content but more like the generalities, mechanism

That I'll never be healthy again.

I'm tryin' to not give in to that idea

I get so depressed and hopeless when I don't have a reliable way to ctb and IDK if and when I'll find one. I'm crying just thinking about it.

I feel you. It's been horrible for me until I found something reliable

I wish I had died the last time I tried to kill myself, but I'm alive.

Sorry it didn't work out…

 

[venin]

There's a lot of little reasons that add up, but they all lead back to one thing: I don't have any control over my own happiness. When you make a decision or take an action under your own agency, the outcome is out of your control. And the vast majority of the time, it's an outcome that's not in your favor.

You can choose to love someone, and no matter how selfless or good you think you are, they can just as easily choose not to love you back.

You can choose to work hard at a career or a job that means something to you, and the systems and hierarchies can decide, on their own, that there is no place for you.

You can choose to indulge in your art for its own sake, only to find that no one finds any meaning in your work.

The only people who are capable of believing that "it's worth it to keep trying", are just people who have yet to have their expectations fully betrayed.

Well pointed out

 

[pompompurin]

Never really thought about it but looking at it now, I think it's being a failure in school and at work, cutting people from my life and having no motivation to do anything. But I gotta remember that people have it worse.

 

[Cardboard]

I'm afraid that if I fail suicide, I will become a vegetable unable to commit again.