Venting What Am I if I Can't Live Right or Die Right?

[wondering&wandering]

Hello people,

I like to think myself as someone articulate. Someone who can take pause and give my thoughts (albeit a countless amount) room to formulate and make sense. But I feel like I can't do that right now. I'm just going to pour my very being into this post. Fully raw, fully human, and fully foolish.

These past six months have been...interesting. I've had really good days and really terrible days. More than I'd like to admit, I've wanted to kill myself more in this past 6 months than I have my whole life. And here I was thinking I had left SS toward the road to recovery.

Firstly though, I feel like a fraud and an attention seeker. I mean, I know I really want attention. I know I'm really lonely. And I know I'm really suicidal at times. Funnily enough I'm not right now. Maybe because I'm back on SS and am expressing myself? Something I haven't done in a bit. I don't know though. I just...really...don't know.

I feel like I've inflicted pain to people for leaving. I feel like an imposter for not being dead. I feel like it'd just be better if I was dead. I mean, if I never came back here, nothing really would have changed. But now if anything, I'm just re-creating and re-inserting myself onto this forum, which just means I'm going to cause people pain when/if I leave again. I'm selfish. Am I not just creating suffering by re-creating myself here? How different are my actions from the parents who procreate (antinatalism)? Am I not simply "creating" myself into the worlds of all who read this, therefore spawning inevitable suffering if I then interact with you all in the future? I hate how much I think and overthink.

And I feel so insecure and insignificant. I feel so useless and worthless. And I wonder if I'm only nice in order to get on people's good side for the sake of being wanted. I don't believe that, but it haunts me. Those and other dark emotions root themselves in my mind so firmly I risk shutting down all my emotions and numbing myself up again to feel nothing just to stop the torturous thoughts. Self-inflicted thoughts. I may have had external forces at the start of my life that spawned these monsters, but now I am my own demon. My demon feeds upon my self-generated fear. And then of course certain circumstances in my life just steer more towards believing myself to be truly unworthy of anyone. For a fact I know I'm not worthy for some people. I know I need to work on loving myself before expecting to be something worthy of love, but I just can't. I really just can't. I can't. I just can't. I'm just so lost. I don't know what's wrong with me. I just don't know. I don't know anything. I pretend to know, and pretend to be helpful, and pretend to be living a good life. Why do people ask you how you're doing and expect you to conform to living a "normal and good life" or lie about it? I just can't do anything right.

I'm a "writer" but can't get anything more than a couple pages done per month if anything. I like playing piano but for all the practice I'm putting into it I can't understand music theory like any proper musician should. I felt like I was actually starting to know how to write music. I actually wrote something decent! But I can't get anything close to that good since. I just can't do anything right.

I have this one online friend. They are super nice. I don't deserve them. I won't say much here about them, but I know I've given them so much grief. I'm afraid to hurt them. I know I have, and I know I will.

I promised myself not to let any irl friends into my life after my previous failures, but this one person was so nice and persuasive. It was honestly some of the best experiences of my life. And they just left. They told me why. And it broke me into a million pieces. But I can't hate them for it. I won't. I know I was never nothing but those million pieces in the first place. I don't know yet if it was better to have been loved and lost (not even lost, rejected); I don't know anything.

I don't want to talk about anymore how the internet has further hurt me. How it's been sources of keeping me alive while hurting me all the same.

Stuff hurts. I want to stop the hurt. I want to go away. But I won't. I think I know that now. I'm so weak. I'm so pathetic. I'm so sad. I'm too emotional. I'm too much. Life is too much.

And through it all I don't even know myself. I'm just a mind built by my surroundings. Molded to conform for the betterment of society. Sure, I don't mind helping society, but not like this. Not like this. Please, not like this.

But I'll be okay. I have to be because tomorrow is another day; a work day at that. And I want to get through it without feeling like this. It's just a matter of how to cope with these feelings. Venting does help.

I feel like I can't live normally, and then of course I can't just die because of my SI. So, what am I? What am I? :(

But hey, I really don't know anything except that I'm tired and probably went on too long.

 

[BlackCatCrossing]

I couldn't read all of this, because I'm so disconnected that focusing isn't easy.

But from what I read- you sound like a legend.

A gem. Intelligent. Great heart.

Stay strong.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I think that- if people know how you feel- as in- you're suicidal, you may not be around forever then, it gives them the choice on whether they want to risk getting close to you. Everyone on here knows the risks of doing that. Many of us likely do miss people we got to know better. But then- it becomes up to us. If it's too upsetting, we'll know not to try and form those closer bonds.

I'd say that this place is very different to real life because- all our cards are on the table. Unless we tell people in real life how we truly feel then, once more- it becomes up to them whether they want to take the risk of possibly being bereaved/hurt in the future.

I'd say birthing a child here is totally different because- they had no say in the matter. Even family relationships, we're not necessarily stuck with if we realise they are causing us pain. A lot of what we do beyond the age of 18 comes down to choice. If people seem to want to be around you, despite knowing what you're struggling with- they've made that choice. They clearly think it's worth it.

 

[wondering&wandering]

I couldn't read all of this, because I'm so disconnected that focusing isn't easy.

But from what I read- you sound like a legend.

A gem. Intelligent. Great heart.

Stay strong.

Thanks. I don't think I deserve this much praise, but thank you anyway. You're too kind.