Venting what am i doing wrong

[nails]

how am i always just 2nd (at best)

no matter what i do, no matter how hard i try, i'm never anyone's favorite or their first pick for anything.
it doesn't matter if i've known them for longer or if i support them more than anyone else, i'm just never good enough lololol

ever since i was little, i've always been the "convenient" friend, someone that others could fall back on the second they lost everyone one else. i guess remembering those times is pointless. everyone is shameless and fucking stupid when they're little, but nothing has really changed so it's hard to ignore that.

even recently, there have been so many times where i've made close friends, talked to them every single day, supported them through everything, did everything for them, etc. just for them to eventually drift away because they find new friends. i try so hard to keep the relationships going, but it never really works.
i'm not even mad at these people, i just feel guilty for feeling so selfish. i know they don't intentionally do this. these people are still here for me, and i'm eternally grateful for that, but i just want to understand why i always get "replaced" (for a lack of better words.)

i've tried looking back, reflecting on my mistakes, and changing. i realize i've done some stupid shit in my friendships. i've done pathetic shit to keep friendships alive. i can't figure out what i've done wrong in these recent friendships. i reread months-worth of text messages and think through all of the things i've said during past calls, but i can't figure out where things go wrong. they always just end up getting close to someone else and then i'm no longer needed.

what about me is so revolting that no one can remain close to me for more than a year or two? :,)

 

[N33dT0D13]

Oh wow this is relatable. I can't wait till my one friend realizes he'd be happier without me and I disappear, he'll never see me as his best friend and it does make me wanna die lmao

 

[pilotviolin]

i saw something on instagram like some meme of like "when i see the person who is clingy and has no personal boundaries says everyone leaves them" or something and needless to say i got a little bit upset and brought back feelings of just not being good at forming new strong connections with others. i relate alot to feeling like a person of convenience. nobody admires anything about me, i just cause them the least amount of trouble, and i dont know if i should cause people trouble or continuously work on myself until loving someone else will bring more than pain.

its easy to feel like we are pure evil, or something like i always see people dogging on others who dont have anyone who seems to like them for them, but its pretty complex and honestly really hard to navigate even platonic relationships and dynamics in group in relation to ourselves, so i hope you can be patient with yourself. sorry, i dont have answers, but i doubt the answer can be found just with whats "wrong with you". it really sucks not being able to form long term connections, and not being able to easily form them IRL can lead to resorting to connecting online which it can be harder in some ways for long term things.

wishing you the best.