Discussion What age did you wish you had ctb?

[efffervescence]

Although I'm relatively happy at the moment, I really wish I'd died last year or on my first suicide attempt when I was 9. Last year because I had understandable circumstances and 9 because I was so young that no one would've felt guilty

 

[Glim]

I wish I had strangled myself in the womb with my umbilical cord tbqh atm rn fam ngl imo. 100% self-sufficient method - no need for outside materials, just using a part of myself

 

[bruisedtorso]

My first thought of suicide was aged 10 or 11, kids at my school drove me to those thoughts. It's only gotten worse as i've aged.

 

[FTL.Wanderer]

I want to die now at 33. If i die now i get to lay there in my dying spot while thinking about all those years of depression and feeling glad that its finally over and done with, and all the future years of depression that i wouldnt have to endure.

I really like this imagery. Thank you...

Still fighting survival instinct

Yes-yes-yes!

 

[GeorgeJL]

My first thought of suicide was aged 10 or 11, kids at my school drove me to those thoughts. It's only gotten worse as i've aged.

I got bullied when I was younger and now that I am older I wonder how much that effected me.

 

[bruisedtorso]

I got bullied when I was younger and now that I am older I wonder how much that effected me.

Same, i think it triggered something in my brain and i've suffered with mental illness every since

 

[wishfulthinking]

9. That's the age I first wanted to die. I wish I had done it then, so I did not have to see how shit I am now.
Also, as a kid, I'll be more ignorant, so I won't have the fear of failure.

Same here. But also at 9 I was afraid I won't die. -.-

 

[Robbyna]

I remember wishing I hadn't been born at 5. I wish I had died then or not been born at all. Now I have this adult sized body to escape; it would've been much easier to CTB at 5 and it seem like an accident that everyone could've gotten passed more easily than finding me dead now

 

[Broken Widow]

I wanted to die as long as I can remember.I started to understand the concept of suicide and self-harm at around 8, and decided that's what I wanted. Had a few attempts that obviously didn't work. I wish I had gone out in my mid-to-late 20's.

 

[nopoint]

Same here. But also at 9 I was afraid I won't die. -.-

Wow. I think at 9 I was too stupid to know how to die.

 

[Sixfeetunder]

Age 14. Currently 21.

 

[dysfunctional]

Anytime within the last 10 months- would have been 33. Ideally I would've been taken out by a semi truck on my way to Alaska as I traveled to a job there which turned out to completely ruin my life.

 

[Sha70]

I was about 12... now I'm 49.

 

[Midnight]

15-16. Now age 32.

 

[Lifeisatrap]

My first birthday.

 

[I am ___________]

When I was 6. I should have succeeded but like everything in life, it did not go according to plan. My instincts at that age were entirely right about the future horrors and pain I would have to go through later in life.

I remember wishing I hadn't been born at 5. I wish I had died then or not been born at all. Now I have this adult sized body to escape; it would've been much easier to CTB at 5 and it seem like an accident that everyone could've gotten passed more easily than finding me dead now

It is quite strange, I too have been having these thoughts ever since I could remember. I realized at an early age that nothing in this life or reality is worth living for, I have always had a longing to go back to the dark abyss of the void.

My first thought of suicide was aged 10 or 11, kids at my school drove me to those thoughts. It's only gotten worse as i've aged.

I was bullied throughout my life for a long time, by the retards in school and by family, truly there is no one you can trust. I lost whatever faith I had left in people and this world a long time ago. This world truly is a horrid and disgusting place, only the illogical would want to stay here.

 

[Marawa]

45 young enough to have still been tragic...
.

 

[Taylor]

21, and still because of the issue that caused the initial trauma, which only manifested into even worse problems, now at 25. I could've saved myself four years of misery.

 

[Cookiedough8956]

13.
If i didn't pussy out and had kicked the damn chair; all this unnecessary painful yrs wouldn't have played out.

 

[Memento Mori]

I wish I'd opened my veins at eighteen as originally desired. Would have saved myself and others a great deal of trouble.

that kinda fits, except the 'originally desired' part. i don't care about the suffering i experienced before atm, so i'm not going to say an earlier number like 11 or 6, i also want to exist in someone certains mind so that i don't feel like a completely useless existance, in my selfish mind it sounds good but in the mind of that person this might not be that good, idk. too much thinking, we can't change the past either

 

[BlackDragonof1989]

I suppose around 12 or so my more adult intense negative emotions started to really get to me, I experienced my first intense bully at around age 10, 5th grade.

 

[FTL.Wanderer]

When I was 6. I should have succeeded but like everything in life, it did not go according to plan. My instincts at that age were entirely right about the future horrors and pain I would have to go through later in life.



It is quite strange, I too have been having these thoughts ever since I could remember. I realized at an early age that nothing in this life or reality is worth living for, I have always had a longing to go back to the dark abyss of the void.


I was bullied throughout my life for a long time, by the retards in school and by family, truly there is no one you can trust. I lost whatever faith I had left in people and this world a long time ago. This world truly is a horrid and disgusting place, only the illogical would want to stay here.

Agreed. Do you ever think we need a special section of sanctionedsuicide for those of us who have such dark outlooks so we don't bother the others?

 

[Tragoedia Vitae]

Honestly? I would be better off if I had committed suicide by the time I was 8. Before I was 8, I rarely paid attention to the people around me---I took my existence and the world for granted. But when I became 8 or 9 years old, something changed. With every passing year, I became more and more aware of just how different I was from those around me (including those who were thought to be most like me), and I became progressively alienated and isolated from other people. My thoughts, feelings, actions---they were too strange. Now I live a largely manufactured, artificially improvised existence. Nothing about my existence or this world seems natural to me. I have no inherent aptitude for living---I always feel out of joint, uneasy in my own skin.

A gloomy, bizarre nightmare pervaded by a nagging sense of wrongness--that's what life is. And I can't forget anything either. Especially the bad things. Always the same abominable ghosts everyday. I should have ended this disgusting farce a long time ago. And yet here I am...

 

[RM5998]

10, about the time when my mom tried it. I don't know how serious her attempt was, though. In any case, my issues were there before that happened, and are on me. I should have gone through back then, I was less spineless when I was a kid.

I'm 20 now. As a person, I peaked back about 10 years ago. Been a downward slide ever since. I'm pretty much dead now, and the meat is just in the process of catching up (damn, I like using that phrase these days).

 

[BandAddict]

I was 7 when I wished that I could ctb. From then on I started testing the waters with s/h and other dangerous behaviour. Now I'm 19 and so much has happened between now and then, sometimes I wish I had the guts to get it over with long ago. It's going to be so hard to build up the courage at this point...

 

[J F]

I am really old (late thirties) judging by the ages I am seeing on here.

I have been wanting to ctb since I was 15 years old.

 

[FTL.Wanderer]

The first time I said out loud I wanted to die was just before my ninth birthday. I'd just had the crap kicked out of me on my daily walk home from school. Typical afternoon fun. I'd had enough. I can't express how much I hated adults who got whiff of my suicidal thoughts promising me it would get better, while they let what was making me miserable keep happening. Things get better for some kids, but if you can't stop or don't want to be bothered trying to stop what's driving a kid to consider suicide you have no business throwing out false promises or judging the kid as "volatile..." or making any other comments dismissive of the kid's pain and life-assessments.

 

[marcusuk63]

I am really old (late thirties) judging by the ages I am seeing on here.

I have been wanting to ctb since I was 15 years old.

if you are really old i am an antique

 

[FTL.Wanderer]

if you are really old i am an antique

First time someone called me old (and meant it) online I was 23.

 

[Azagorod]

I've had my first thought about ending myself at the start of middle school but it was more randomized hatred toward the whole world, myself included (see comic below).

Then I spent most of high school contemplating death but not suicide. As in, I'll dream about someone just knocking on the door and telling me "sorry, you life is due today" and shoot me (or poison me or whatever). I subsequently spent my first 2 years in college convinced that I was a mistake and that the world would soon correct me so I just waited for something to happen, someone to end me because my own existence felt absurd.
I realized there was no one coming and that the world was non sensical to the point that an organism failing so obviously at life wasn't removed at 18 and that's when I'd wish I'd take the matter in my own hands and CTB.
20 now and I've been researching suicide on and off for the last 2 years. Sometimes I can almost convince me I can become a useful part of society. But no matter how productive or happy I temporarily become, I always cycle back into my old habits eventually..