Discussion Were any of you once “normal”?

[Account unknown]

For those with mental health issues; was there ever a time you lived a "normal" and happy existence or have you been struggling all of your life?

I have a great family that are all extremely well-adjusted people (immediate family anyway), I was one of the most popular people at every level of schooling I had, I was charismatic and outgoing, I was an athlete that could've played professional football (Soccer for the American readers) if I kept it up and so on, also did a lot of boxing.

Then one of my best friends was killed outside of school by a hit and run driver the day before my 15th birthday and I don't think I've ever been the same since but it's all happened gradually. I never got over it, it's making me tear up just mentioning it now. One of the saddest moments of my life was watching his mother ironing his clothes weeks after he had died "for when he comes back home", still cooking his meals too and completely refusing to accept that he was dead. The image still haunts me.

This is around the time I started having repressed memories of sexual abuse by my former next door neighbour when I was a lot younger (I later got in trouble with the police for something I would do to him), which meant I started having these panic attacks all the time where I would completely lose my vision (everything would be black even with my eyes open), my heart rate would go through the roof, I'd be pouring with sweat in seconds and I'd often pass out and this eventually lead to other things such as depression, suicide attempts, anxiety/social anxiety etc (it's quite a long list). Now I'm a recluse who never leaves my bedroom and still lives at home with my parents in my mid to late 20s.

I'm not gonna tell my life story or my entire history of mental illness and what problems I have which is very long at this point but did you ever live a "normal" and good life? Or have things always been bad for as long as you can remember?

 

[FuneralCry]

I do not know what 'normal' even is, what is normal is subjective. For me, wanting to die is normal and it has been for such a long time. I think in my case I have never wanted to be alive and even at a young age I found death to be comforting. I could never understand people who wanted to live and enjoyed life. I have never been interested in living. As I got older I started to realise how horrible life really is and in my case I think wanting suicide is perfectly rational in such a cruel world.

 

[Fadeawaaaay]

Can't say I was ever "normal". I did experience some degree of conventional success Along time ago. Ivy League education etc.
Got hit with massive depression end of college and from then on struggled with intermittent successes, but gradually "falling behind" my peers. Kept myself in denial for years and years until a wake up call / collapse last spring and now here plotting my demise …

 

[prbreese01]

I've been wondering the same thing about myself. I remember wishing I was dead when I was in the 4th grade but I was considered normal and well liked by everyone. I've been told by several girls who were younger that they looked up to me. I think I've always been uncomfortable with myself but I just hid it really well. Depression has been a part of me for a really long time but I think it didn't control me like it has now. I'm 45 and I'm at a complete standstill. I've lost all hope and I have serious doubts if I'll ever be happy. I feel too old to start a new life specifically one that is from complete scratch. I don't have a single connection to anyone, including my family. I've become so isolated and I don't even know how to begin to change especially since I lack the motivation to even take a shower.

 

[Atraxa]

Only as a child, I was a very happy child. All I wanted to do was make people laugh and create joy. Somewhere in secondary school the mental parasite got into me and from there it's just been a downward journey to what I believe will end in suicide.

 

[...]

I never truly was but I used to be able to fake it. Was always living a lie in my relationships. Managed to hide the full extent of my mental illness. I guess it was always going to come to an end eventually.

 

[Account unknown]

If anyone ever wants to talk or just vent btw my inbox is always open and that's not me trying to be a Good Samaritan, it's for selfish reasons too so don't think you'd ever be bothering or annoying me.

I think I might stick around to the end of this year at least since I really couldn't do it to my family around the holidays but my personal situation means I don't have anyone at all to talk to and I'd be happy for the company now until then.

 

[Fadeawaaaay]

I've been wondering the same thing about myself. I remember wishing I was dead when I was in the 4th grade but I was considered normal and well liked by everyone. I've been told by several girls who were younger that they looked up to me. I think I've always been uncomfortable with myself but I just hid it really well. Depression has been a part of me for a really long time but I think it didn't control me like it has now. I'm 45 and I'm at a complete standstill. I've lost all hope and I have serious doubts if I'll ever be happy. I feel too old to start a new life specifically one that is from complete scratch. I don't have a single connection to anyone, including my family. I've become so isolated and I don't even know how to begin to change especially since I lack the motivation to even take a shower.

I'm slightly ahead of you. I'm able to take a shower. Otherwise I totally understand. You are in limbo. Purgatory. And any interactions with the outside world only make us feel worse Reflecting back on us our failure.

 

[Braindead Atheist]

I wasn't always suicidal, but i was never normal. i was born retarded and have anger issues. i guess i've always hated life but never considered suicide until high school. honestly, i'm so tired all the time and just done. i don't really care anymore.

 

[Esteban Il Divino]

Things haven't always been bad for me.
It has actually been good and "normal" for a long time, until my twenties and my first panic attack, then it's all happened gradually, always worse year after year.
It took me some time then to see and admit that everything, in me and around me, was not as normal as I thought it was : my parents, my social interactions, my emotions (anger, jealousy, attachments, guilt...), my ways to deal with my feelings...

I thought I was "normal" for a long time, but I wasn't really. Now I see my kid and teenage years like if I was in a pressure cook, holding on in life, convincing myself that everything was normal, and it all exploded when I reached adulthood.
Then, deep troubles came, big depressions, mental health issues, and so on... But in a way, it has always been there, waiting inside me, waiting to burst.


... I have to say : I feel lucky to have had a kind of normal (and even joyful) life, before it becomes a mess. It seems that a lot of people here didn't have that chance... at all. I definitely am lucky. And I definitely wish them to find peace, in one way or another

 

[miserableforever]

For those with mental health issues; was there ever a time you lived a "normal" and happy existence or have you been struggling all of your life?

I have a great family that are all extremely well-adjusted people (immediate family anyway), I was one of the most popular people at every level of schooling I had, I was charismatic and outgoing, I was an athlete that could've played professional football (Soccer for the American readers) if I kept it up and so on, also did a lot of boxing.

Then one of my best friends was killed outside of school by a hit and run driver the day before my 15th birthday and I don't think I've ever been the same since but it's all happened gradually. I never got over it, it's making me tear up just mentioning it now. One of the saddest moments of my life was watching his mother ironing his clothes weeks after he had died "for when he comes back home", still cooking his meals too and completely refusing to accept that he was dead. The image still haunts me.

This is around the time I started having repressed memories of sexual abuse by my former next door neighbour when I was a lot younger (I later got in trouble with the police for something I would do to him), which meant I started having these panic attacks all the time where I would completely lose my vision (everything would be black even with my eyes open), my heart rate would go through the roof, I'd be pouring with sweat in seconds and I'd often pass out and this eventually lead to other things such as depression, suicide attempts, anxiety/social anxiety etc (it's quite a long list). Now I'm a recluse who never leaves my bedroom and still lives at home with my parents in my mid to late 20s.

I'm not gonna tell my life story or my entire history of mental illness and what problems I have which is very long at this point but did you ever live a "normal" and good life? Or have things always been bad for as long as you can remember?

Before around 16 I was ok. I always knew something was off and I've been depressed since I was a toddler, but it got all bad past 20. OCD, ED, GAD, BPD, all of it since then.
When my mom stopped talking to me cause I told her she's an abusive bitch, that's when my brain snapped.

 

[BlazingBob]

Never. My parents hate each other and hate their kids. I was told I was a piece of shit and a regret. Never encouraged. My mom never ever hugged me or showed any kind of affection but only disdain for my existence. This lead to a life of extreme self hate, believing I deserved nothing good, and constantly selling myself short in every way, most profoundly in career and romantic relationships. I'm 49 years old and have never been within a mile of marriage because I could never believe someone could actually love me. If a woman ever did care and treated me halfway decent I ran like hell. I always ended up with ones who treated me like crap because I believed that's all I deserved, and was even lucky to get that. I've gone to countless therapists, tried all the meds, ketamine infusions, TMS, you name it. I guess the brainwashing was just too strong and I'm just too weak. Most of my life has been lived day to day in survival mode. All that said, I did manage to find a job I really enjoyed but it has been torpedoed by chronic physical illness. I often think I must have been a real asshole in a previous life.

So no, I've never been close to 'normal'. I've always felt less than, inferior, and that everyone is better. I've always felt like an outsider looking in. I came very close to ctb in my 20s. I wish I had. It would've saved myself a lot of pain. Sorry for the negativity.

 

[Versailles]

I would say that my childhood was quite normal until I reached puberty and that was where my illnesses began to give me many problems and that is why it was difficult for me to relate to other people.

 

[Account unknown]

Never. My parents hate each other and hate their kids. I was told I was a piece of shit and a regret. Never encouraged. My mom never ever hugged me or showed any kind of affection but only disdain for my existence. This lead to a life of extreme self hate, believing I deserved nothing good, and constantly selling myself short in every way, most profoundly in career and romantic relationships. I'm 49 years old and have never been within a mile of marriage because I could never believe someone could actually love me. If a woman ever did care and treated me halfway decent I ran like hell. I always ended up with ones who treated me like crap because I believed that's all I deserved, and was even lucky to get that. I've gone to countless therapists, tried all the meds, ketamine infusions, TMS, you name it. I guess the brainwashing was just too strong and I'm just too weak. Most of my life has been lived day to day in survival mode. All that said, I did manage to find a job I really enjoyed but it has been torpedoed by chronic physical illness. I often think I must have been a real asshole in a previous life.

So no, I've never been close to 'normal'. I've always felt less than, inferior, and that everyone is better. I've always felt like an outsider looking in. I came very close to ctb in my 20s. I wish I had. It would've saved myself a lot of pain. Sorry for the negativity.

I relate a lot to your experiences with romantic relationships already and also with how you're feeling currently.

You have nothing to apologise for at all either mate. I can tell how shitty you feel through your comment and it can be therapeutic to vent all of these shitty emotions out.

I hope things get better for you and if not I hope you at least get a peaceful way out.

 

[Off The Air]

Maybe

 

[prbreese01]

I'm slightly ahead of you. I'm able to take a shower. Otherwise I totally understand. You are in limbo. Purgatory. And any interactions with the outside world only make us feel worse Reflecting back on us our failure.

I feel like I'm in some type of hell. I don't want to feel like this anymore. I dread life.

 

[Starryeyes]

I think I had dormant bpd till the day my dad died and then the wheels fully fell off and I lost it. I was fine before that day. Happy, content.

 

[Insomniac]

I'm not gonna tell my life story or my entire history of mental illness and what problems I have which is very long at this point but did you ever live a "normal" and good life? Or have things always been bad for as long as you can remember?

Yes, things have always been bad. but I haven't always been broken. there was a time where things were bad but at school and in public I could act like a normal person with friends and a good social life etc.

however.. things started getting progressively worse when my parents started making more money and decided to put me in a "better" school for richer kids. that's when everything started going downhill even though at first it felt great and I had my most intense moments of happiness friendshipat that new school. little did I know that I'd have to pay for these few moments of happiness with the rest of my life.

I too am a recluse now.

 

[Deadweight]

I was a happy, active kid. Strong swimmer, but a little dumb. Started going down hill after my parents had a messy divorce when I was about 7. I hate having this memory of being a happy kid. It makes me wonder who I might have been if I was nurtured and appreciated instead of resented as an unwanted responsibility. It makes me angry because I feel like something was stolen from me.

 

[Harriet]

I was never normal. I was consumed with abnormal anxiety from an early age, totally paranoid and neurotic from about the age of 9, first OD at 15 and bpd from thereafter. I know it's made me miserable but I wouldn't want to be 'normal'. I feel like us guys with mental health issues can see under the floorboards of life in a way that normies will never be able to..

 

[purella]

Before I was 13 I had my whole life ahead of me, I was an accelerant in school and had skipped a few grades in math, was an advanced reader and was admitted to highly selective public magnet middle and high schools. I held national awards for writing. I was happy, school was a breeze, I wasn't completely fucking socially inept. I was active and participated in sports, was at the top of my game in one. Then at the start of 7th grade, I went ice skating and fell on the back of my head. Brain damage. I was suffering in school but recovery seemed to be in sight. Less than a year later I was randomly jumped inside a store, and beaten up without reason by other kids. Second concussion. School was now really difficult. I had cognitive issues across the board. I took extra time on tests. I felt fully retarded. But at least I got a good SAT score because I had extra time and got into a good college because I lied on my application. Senior year, I'm on a trip with my parents. I accidentally break my dad's disposable earbuds when tossing it back to him. He gets angry and runs up to me and punches me in the forehead. Nth concussion. No support from sisters or family. Therapist called CPS as is protocol which could not help because my parents coerced and manipulated me into thinking it never happened. I now cannot read, nor can I process information properly. I cannot learn new skills as my brain is swiss cheese -- information comes in and falls out. I dropped out of college, empowered by my friend's decision to do the same who agreed to live with me after. My parents take no responsibility, think they are completely without fault and continue to spurn me because of my choice to drop out. My parents switch between reasoning that it couldn't have had such a big effect, and gaslighting me into thinking I just took a dive and the punch never landed. I had blood in my eyebrow and my mom tried to tell me I manufactured it by scratching myself. The verbal abuse is nonstop. My dad also broke my nose so I can't breathe, and my nose is huge and ugly. I moved out to California with a friend who said he was also dropping out. We signed a lease after lots of shopping around. He then defected on our plan and left me holding the bag. I had to pay his share of the rent, for a 2 bedroom apartment in Los Angeles, or get kicked out and go back home. Fucked my psyche and any hope for the future. My brain damage is debilitating. I have anxiety, depression, PTSD apparently, OCD and ADHD depending on which psych you ask. I cannot function properly because of my completely obliterated memory. I cannot imagine pictures in my mind anymore. I'm 19, 5'6" and retarded with no career prospects, no friends, no romantic interests. My friends pity me. I see eye to eye with none of them. There is truly no value to this existence. On the occasion that a girl shows interest I am unable to communicate. I have not had my first kiss. I am not interested in continuing to suffer. I am tethered to my stupidity. Happiness is not possible because of this. I have been suicidal for quite a while and have known about N for about 3 or 4 years. I am going to catch the bus as soon as I receive it from B. I have no concern for the impact of my suicide on my family. In fact, I hope they suffer. My father is probably the worst, most dumb person I know. It is painful how stupid he is. It is painful how stupid I have become.

 

[SuicideBoys93]

Hard to say, I remember my anxiety started at an extremely young age. I recall being sooo young and obsessed with the time and making sure I was never late. Another one was if I was in the car, I'd constantly lean from the back and check the fuel gauge. It was something about the fear of running out of gas on the side of the road. I also couldn't eat without having something to drink because of the fear of choking. I'd essentially start panicking. It was weird but it's some of the childhood worries that predisposed me to anxiety. I've accumulated some others, but if I could rid myself of anxiety, I'd be a lot happier in life.