Welp, I did it. Self-sabatoge at its finest

[Water-Lily]

I cut off all my online communications. Nobody to call a friend anymore. Doing this on purpose. I don't want to hurt anyone nor do I want anyone hurting me. Its a lonely feeling but I did this to myself so I shouldn't feel bad. But I do.
No point in giving out apologies they will never be forgiven. I'll just keep hurting myself and seeing where this goes

 

[russlinjimmies]

I'm planning on doing something similar in the near future. I feel like all I do is cause pain for others and myself. If that's happening then I'd rather just hurt myself. I don't think everyone hates me, oddly, but I kind of wish they did so it would make ctb easier.

 

[Water-Lily]

I'm planning on doing something similar in the near future. I feel like all I do is cause pain for others and myself. If that's happening then I'd rather just hurt myself. I don't think everyone hates me, oddly, but I kind of wish they did so it would make ctb easier.

That's my same mindset. I tried that recently by telling everyone goodbye and leaving chats. But, I don't know if this is really what I want. Deep down I am an attention whore. I want everyone to love and care for me because I was ( and still am) everyones fuck toy. I feel like people will love me in death finally since nobody cares about me now

 

[russlinjimmies]

I hope in time you'll be able to reconnect with at least some of them and feel the love and care you don't right now.

 

[Water-Lily]

I hope in time you'll be able to reconnect with at least some of them and feel the love and care you don't right now.

I cant. I fucked things up too far. And if I do go back I'll want to push them away/abuse them again. So I am meant to be alone for everyones sake, not so much my own.
Part of this is envy/jealousy. There was this guy I liked and he was real nice. But I had to tell him I needed a break. Not because of him but because of me. I kept comparing my life (abuse, bullying, etc) to his (loving family, good friends, etc) and it left me so bitter fond myself hating him. It wasn't fair to him so I just told him I needed space. I am too mentally unstable to be around anyone

 

[russlinjimmies]

I cant. I fucked things up too far. And if I do go back I'll want to push them away/abuse them again. So I am meant to be alone for everyones sake, not so much my own.
Part of this is envy/jealousy. There was this guy I liked and he was real nice. But I had to tell him I needed a break. Not because of him but because of me. I kept comparing my life (abuse, bullying, etc) to his (loving family, good friends, etc) and it left me so bitter fond myself hating him. It wasn't fair to him so I just told him I needed space. I am too mentally unstable to be around anyone

I'm so sorry. While I'm not in the exact same situation I too feel like I'm not in the right mindset to be around anyway anymore. I'd rather just disappear.

 

[Livingvsdying25]

I cut off all my online communications. Nobody to call a friend anymore. Doing this on purpose. I don't want to hurt anyone nor do I want anyone hurting me. Its a lonely feeling but I did this to myself so I shouldn't feel bad. But I do.
No point in giving out apologies they will never be forgiven. I'll just keep hurting myself and seeing where this goes

I did the same but, I just logged out of apps bc I wasn't really connected to anyone that much to begin with....

1 person kinda? But eh...

In the past I've also tried to cut contact for well similar construed(?) reasons...

I feel like im doing that right now with my Dad bc im just desperate to hear "you're not a burden, we're sorry for hurting you and we love you" well I've gotten some of that from him but turns out after years of abuse I don't believe that they love me anymore. I just think its a convient lie.
To get me to just shut the fuck up so.


I dunno what I'm really tryna say here tbh. I think it's ok to want space but also want attention. I think it's ok to sometimes seek that in certain ways.

Try doing what feels best and not feel too guilty about it? More so just observe yeah kno?

Also, I am here if ya ever do wanna reconnect with anyone but no pressure bc I get it either way.

I hope ur wel gurl. Miss chatting

 

[Water-Lily]

I'm so sorry. While I'm not in the exact same situation I too feel like I'm not in the right mindset to be around anyway anymore. I'd rather just disappear.

Sometimes I feel disappearing is for the best. I feel sometimes we can be too mentally ill for our own good and are incapable of making connections of any kind. Its either we hurt people or we get hurt.

 

[russlinjimmies]

Yes. Even at my best I'm a negative influence. At my worst I only create problems and heartache.

 

[Water-Lily]

Yes. Even at my best I'm a negative influence. At my worst I only create problems and heartache.

Yeah. In the end everyone will be better off without me

 

[Carrotcake]

I've cut everyone off as well, and I keep off any possible connections. The more isolated I am, the less people are hurt by me.

 

[Water-Lily]

I've cut everyone off as well, and I keep off any possible connections. The more isolated I am, the less people are hurt by me.

Bingo. I have Borderline Personality Disorder. I project and hate everyone around me and get so jealous I have "bad thoughts" toward them. So before I do something or say something bad it's best I leave them alone

I did the same but, I just logged out of apps bc I wasn't really connected to anyone that much to begin with....

1 person kinda? But eh...

In the past I've also tried to cut contact for well similar construed(?) reasons...

I feel like im doing that right now with my Dad bc im just desperate to hear "you're not a burden, we're sorry for hurting you and we love you" well I've gotten some of that from him but turns out after years of abuse I don't believe that they love me anymore. I just think its a convient lie.
To get me to just shut the fuck up so.


I dunno what I'm really tryna say here tbh. I think it's ok to want space but also want attention. I think it's ok to sometimes seek that in certain ways.

Try doing what feels best and not feel too guilty about it? More so just observe yeah kno?

Also, I am here if ya ever do wanna reconnect with anyone but no pressure bc I get it either way.

I hope ur wel gurl. Miss chatting

Alright fine then. I am expecting heat to come my way and I will regret this so come at me. The reason I stopped talking to you in general is jealousy. I see you as someone who made it. You escaped your toxic home and I'm 23 and still here like a dumbass. Basically you got to do the very thing I'm not able to

 

[Tkmiz_Tsukumizu]

Bingo. I have Borderline Personality Disorder. I project and hate everyone around me and get so jealous I have "bad thoughts" toward them. So before I do something or say something bad it's best I leave them alone

Alright fine then. I am expecting heat to come my way and I will regret this so come at me. The reason I stopped talking to you in general is jealousy. I see you as someone who made it. You escaped your toxic home and I'm 23 and still here like a dumbass. Basically you got to do the very thing I'm not able to

Just curious what is stopping you from leaving home?

 

[Water-Lily]

Just curious what is stopping you from leaving home?

Money. I simply don't have the finances. I've been working at getting a job and saving up do I can get my own apartment. That's my plan but it's more long term and takes time. At this point I'm mentally breaking so I might as well die

and I know what your thinking "any friends/family, agencies, etc". And sure there are. But I have my own reasons for not doing any of those

and this is where I leave people. Everyone gets frustrated that I never take advice and I don't blame them. So I'm not gonna waste anyone's time with my issues anymore

 

[Livingvsdying25]

Bingo. I have Borderline Personality Disorder. I project and hate everyone around me and get so jealous I have "bad thoughts" toward them. So before I do something or say something bad it's best I leave them alone

Alright fine then. I am expecting heat to come my way and I will regret this so come at me. The reason I stopped talking to you in general is jealousy. I see you as someone who made it. You escaped your toxic home and I'm 23 and still here like a dumbass. Basically you got to do the very thing I'm not able to

I just saw this and wanted to say im not about to throw any smoke or heat your way bc I totally get it.

I was worried about speaking too much on leaving bc yeah... i used to feel the same

It used to be REALLY hard to talk to my friends back in 2019 bc I was stuck and even if they weren't doing the best they still were sooo free in so many ways. They still saw people. They still went out. They still laughed. They still had a life. I didn't and I hated it.

I would leave convos feelings sooo ugh envious and it triggered me to talk to them bc I really wondered "why the fuck can't I"

Sooo truthfully I get how you feel and I had to just stop talking to people during that year (which didn't help oveeall but I didn't see any other way to not get so damn emtional) but yeahh

I don't have a lot of advice or anything to give jus my ear/eyes.

Sooo I'm here if ya wanna rant or anything like that but I get it and not mad or anything.