How do I go on?

[countdowntoecstasy]

I don't really want to live anymore but I feel too committed to life to be able to leave. I would hurt far too many people. I am in a relationship which has been simultaneously the best and worst thing to happen to me. I have never felt someone so committed to helping me but at the same time I still do not want to live and my death would only hurt more people than necessary. I feel terrible for this. I have not once been able to truly be helped by others and live to their expectations. This is not including how my family would feel, which would be horrific for them. I love them despite some of the BS they have put me through.

I have felt this way since my early teens and it has not ever gone away in the years that I have continued to struggle. I have continuously derailed my life to the point where I feel as though it would be too difficult to repair. I have made so many poor choices that hurt my chances in the job market and my transition. My goals continue to flutter away and quite frankly it is too difficult to do most basic things anymore such as find a job, go outside, anything that I should be able to do is quite difficult. I could ramble on for a lot longer but I doubt you all really want to read all of that I just really wanted to know what I should do in this situation. Should I legitimately CTB or should I give recovery one last chance even if it seems like my quality of life will be low? I have been on the fence despite truly feeling like it for so so long and even after multiple failed attempts. I have two methods that I have narrowed down to that should work. But what should I do about my current relationships??? Is anyone going through something similar?

 

[avalokitesvara]

Some people would say, there's always a chance that things will change. We don't know what's in the future. Something really unexpected could happen, which blows open the long-established thoughts and feelings about your life. You're probably still quite young. Some people's lives really do completely turn around in their 30s, 40s, 50s or even later.

Another point is that you sound like you have a good support system which isn't the case for everyone. If you can open up and share the extent of your suffering and difficulties maybe these relationships can become more meaningful to you.

Fwiw I have decided I can't commit suicide because of the impact it would have on my loved ones. But I have also decided that doesn't mean I have to 'recover' or be 'better'. I will be miserable and hate life and be a mentally ill eccentric lonely fuck-up until the day I die. I just have to survive and get through each day however I can manage to do so. Staying alive is my goal, I don't care about other goals anymore, or appearing normal. That's my compromise.