Working a dead end job. I have schizophrenia, and am highly medicated. My diagnosis fills me with fear and I live every day of my life in terror. I always feel like everyone hates me no matter what I do. My best friend hates me, my coworkers hate me, my parents hate me, etc. I've never tried to truly CTB but I've made half hearted attempts like over the counter pain killers when I was a teenager. I self harm, but I'm too scared to take it all the way. It feels like I don't have any reason to be suicidal or depressed. My parents are loving, my upbringing was good. Its just ever since I was twelve years old I've wanted to die.
I was at work today. I hate my job so much. I hate talking to people, I hate standing in the same place for hours. I hate the smell of weed that my coworkers smoke all day. I'm just so miserable. Ive been working on and off for years and I always quit because of my paranoia. But what's the point? I'm working 40 hours a week just to go home and lay depressed in my bed till I have to wake up at six am and do it all over again. If I have to work to live, what's the point. I want to live because its freeing, but sadly that's not the way the world works.
My boyfriend broke up with me in March, and I miss him so much it hurts. I never want to love anyone ever again, but every guy I know just wants me to have sex with them. I'm sick of it. I'm sick of feeling like a lifeless toy. I don't want to touch anyone ever. Even though my biggest dream is to be married and have kids. I can't. I just can't.
If i can't love anyone, if I have to work a shifty job for the rest of my life just to survive, if I have to live with this fear and paranoia, what's the point? I just want to die. I want it to end. I just don't want my friends and family to suffer because of me. But the pain is too much.
I was at work today. I hate my job so much. I hate talking to people, I hate standing in the same place for hours. I hate the smell of weed that my coworkers smoke all day. I'm just so miserable. Ive been working on and off for years and I always quit because of my paranoia. But what's the point? I'm working 40 hours a week just to go home and lay depressed in my bed till I have to wake up at six am and do it all over again. If I have to work to live, what's the point. I want to live because its freeing, but sadly that's not the way the world works.
My boyfriend broke up with me in March, and I miss him so much it hurts. I never want to love anyone ever again, but every guy I know just wants me to have sex with them. I'm sick of it. I'm sick of feeling like a lifeless toy. I don't want to touch anyone ever. Even though my biggest dream is to be married and have kids. I can't. I just can't.
If i can't love anyone, if I have to work a shifty job for the rest of my life just to survive, if I have to live with this fear and paranoia, what's the point? I just want to die. I want it to end. I just don't want my friends and family to suffer because of me. But the pain is too much.
