weird in-between of feeling like i'll probably CTB but not having committed to it yet

[walliwalli]

it's tough going about my days like this. it's like nothing matters but i still have to maintain a normal image and work on schoolwork and all that because i haven't committed to planning to CTB yet so i can't just abandon it all and let my life spiral out of control on the off chance that i do make it through this.

it's difficult to find the motivation. and everything becomes horribly sad. i was with family and friends the whole day today but was on the verge of tears nearly every hour thinking things like "this'll be the last time i celebrate with them," "last time i'm in this house," "last time i'm out driving like this," etc. i even went up to my childhood room (in my family home which i don't regularly live in) and threw out a bunch of things that are still of use to me but that i wouldn't want to be found among my belongings if i do CTB.

i don't know. i don't know if i have the strength to take all these emotions as a sign that i shouldn't go. if anything, i feel like the sadness mainly comes from a sense of defeat, like recognizing that i have to go, that this isn't something i can survive.

 

[Spite]

Yeah... I'm kind of in the same spot. It's like I'm dying inside and nobody truly knows just how bad it really is. I constantly have to pretend that everything is fine whenever I am around family or if I'm at my job and it's exhausting.

Those thoughts of "this might be the last time I see/do X" have floated around in my mind as well. It's a surreal feeling.

For now I'm stuck in limbo. My mind is constantly weighing the pros and cons of everything. Should I check-out early? I don't know. Should I stay? I don't know. I wish I had better answers... :c