Venting Weird feeling in the morning

[cookiencream]

It's been happening ever since I started researching more for my second attempt. I'd wake up and feel nervous + a weird feeling in my stomach. Once I wake up and walk around and do stuff it goes away but it's still strange. Today it was a bit worse as I realized my only option may be partial suspension hanging like my first attempt, but I think I may have gotten traumatized from it which sucks. Idk if this anxiousness is my gut telling me something or my SI. Especially since it goes away and I feel sure about ctb again after a while. I wonder if it's my dreams that are causing the feeling, I haven't been able to remember them for a while (usually they're vivid and I can easily remember) around when I started planning. I think I may just be nervous about partial suspension in general. Idk if I can do it. It requires a lot of willpower so the fact I'm second guessing is making me more nervous. I truly wish I could access better methods but I'm 19 living with parents in a small country. Unless I save up for a rope for full suspension hanging and start walking through the forests on mornings to relieve suspicion

 

[Pale_Rider]

I was always the reverse. When I lie down at night when getting close reality would get to me.

 

[cookiencream]

I was always the reverse. When I lie down at night when getting close reality would get to me.

It's strange isn't it? Honestly idk what to do. I don't have a set time limit on when I can attempt but I don't want to wait too long. I think I may have to get wasted and survive on pure willpower

 

[Pale_Rider]

It's strange isn't it? Honestly idk what to do. I don't have a set time limit on when I can attempt but I don't want to wait too long. I think I may have to get wasted and survive on pure willpower

It's a very personal decision. It's also a very hard decision until it isn't.

 

[cookiencream]

It's a very personal decision. It's also a very hard decision until it isn't.

It's been a decision I've wanted to make since I was 9

 

[Pale_Rider]

It's been a decision I've wanted to make since I was 9

I started leaning towards it in my teens. Took decades for me to make an actual attempt.

 

[cookiencream]

It's been happening ever since I started researching more for my second attempt. I'd wake up and feel nervous + a weird feeling in my stomach. Once I wake up and walk around and do stuff it goes away but it's still strange. Today it was a bit worse as I realized my only option may be partial suspension hanging like my first attempt, but I think I may have gotten traumatized from it which sucks. Idk if this anxiousness is my gut telling me something or my SI. Especially since it goes away and I feel sure about ctb again after a while. I wonder if it's my dreams that are causing the feeling, I haven't been able to remember them for a while (usually they're vivid and I can easily remember) around when I started planning. I think I may just be nervous about partial suspension in general. Idk if I can do it. It requires a lot of willpower so the fact I'm second guessing is making me more nervous. I truly wish I could access better methods but I'm 19 living with parents in a small country. Unless I save up for a rope for full suspension hanging and start walking through the forests on mornings to relieve suspicion

The feeling of anxiousness went away which is awesome sauce. My stomach feels weird but I think that's a medical issue

 

[wine is fine but]

It's been happening ever since I started researching more for my second attempt. I'd wake up and feel nervous + a weird feeling in my stomach. Once I wake up and walk around and do stuff it goes away but it's still strange. Today it was a bit worse as I realized my only option may be partial suspension hanging like my first attempt, but I think I may have gotten traumatized from it which sucks. Idk if this anxiousness is my gut telling me something or my SI. Especially since it goes away and I feel sure about ctb again after a while. I wonder if it's my dreams that are causing the feeling, I haven't been able to remember them for a while (usually they're vivid and I can easily remember) around when I started planning. I think I may just be nervous about partial suspension in general. Idk if I can do it. It requires a lot of willpower so the fact I'm second guessing is making me more nervous. I truly wish I could access better methods but I'm 19 living with parents in a small country. Unless I save up for a rope for full suspension hanging and start walking through the forests on mornings to relieve suspicion

if i have understood your post correctly, it is a normal type of feeling
when thinking about your desires, it can cause feelings of anxiety. perhaps these are survival instincts in some way, but are minds are not supposed to be flirting with ending our existence
once you stop considering your options, everything feels much more normal

if you are not ready for something, then perhaps you should not do it. i have said it before here, but whatever you do, make sure it is for the right reasons. i wanted to make that same decision since around the age of 5. 50 years later, i do not care at all if i didn't make it this far, but i still have the choice. is that a good thing? for the most part, i do not think so, but in some ways, it might be

 

[bravelytothewinter]

I'm an atheist and an absurdist, but I am prone perhaps irrationally to magical thinking. Usually when I get those feelings some big strressor or big thing is gonna come up. I can't tell you exactly what though. Could also more ratiosnlkt just be you being nervous about the whole thing.

 

[cookiencream]

I'm an atheist and an absurdist, but I am prone perhaps irrationally to magical thinking. Usually when I get those feelings some big strressor or big thing is gonna come up. I can't tell you exactly what though. Could also more ratiosnlkt just be you being nervous about the whole thing.

This post is a lil old but I'm on antidepressants now. It's made me almost excited about dying. Which is weird because I've only had two doses. One of which I puked up 30 mins later

 

[bravelytothewinter]

This post is a lil old but I'm on antidepressants now. It's made me almost excited about dying. Which is weird because I've only had two doses. One of which I puked up 30 mins later

that's pretty common with antidepressants I think? they can actually make you more suicidal at first