Venting Anyone else avoid everyone (pointless rambling)

[SoonToBeSoil]

Having to interact with other people is probably my least favorite thing. No, it definitely is. I try to be alone as much as I can. I've stopped responding to the last few of my friends for the past weeks. They want to set up
a hangout but I reallyyyy don't want to. I forced myself to hang out one time in May, and god, never again. I've become such an unpleasant person to be around, I know. At college and work I do what I need to do for myself but anything socially I avoid as much as I can.

I feel like something changed in my brain around February. I've been going insane ever since then. It's only been getting worse (I don't mind). I started having panic attacks and I feel delusional sometimes and sometimes everything just feels sooo weird like people are things with facial expressions and body parts and clothes with pockets and it is all just so weird and my brain invented a word for my delusions but I will not utter it here.

As I write down my thoughts, I process and read them, and I find my own words disagreeable. I'm so conflicted. I hate this.

 

[meowpuppy]

im also avoiding everyone, but out of my own wariness of getting hurt. i really really wish that people who aren't going to hurt me would talk to me, though

 

[ruhyytey5o86]

Do you have easier/better interactions with people you don't have an investment in?

I dread talking with people I meet everyday at work, but a random old guy at the park? a lot more tolerable for me

 

[SoonToBeSoil]

im also avoiding everyone, but out of my own wariness of getting hurt. i really really wish that people who aren't going to hurt me would talk to me, though

I used to feel like this, but then eventually it became how I feel now, just a complete lack of a desire to talk to anyone.

Do you have easier/better interactions with people you don't have an investment in?

I dread talking with people I meet everyday at work, but a random old guy at the park? a lot more tolerable for me

No, I'm the opposite. I really only talk if I have to (people I "have an investment in"). At work I speak the bare minimum to maintain a healthy professional space (I love my job). I speak to my family and make it appear that I love them because I am dependent on them for a place to live. My life plan until recently was to move out and far away and never speak to them again once I didn't need to anymore (now my plan is to kill myself).

I would not want to speak to an old man in a park. Maybe related story I wanna share: One time I was on a hike and this biker went past me and asked me how I was doing and I didn't respond because I'm horrible and he said to his biker friends with him, "did you see that friendly hiker?" sarcastically. I was already in such a terrible mood and that just made it so much worse. I go hiking because I want to be alone and away from everyone. There is really no where where I am safe from the presence of other people, this is one reason I am going to kill myself.

I might listen to an old man's story though if he were to tell me one. I would not want to contribute anything however.