Watching her cry made me want to stop

[JustSomeDude]

I've been suicidal for about12 or 13 years. I've attempted several times over the years, been hospitalized, but always managed to live through it. Two or three nights ago I found myself in my pantry with a kitchen knife pressed into my wrist. I didn't stop myself, a phone call from someone I love did. I told her where I was, the door was opened, and despite my best efforts, she saw the knife and I had to explain what I was doing. She was scared, for her, for me, just scared because I don't believe she had been in a situation like that before. It took a couple of hours, of crying and hugging, but eventually, we both fell asleep like we always do. I don't ever want to hurt her like I did that night, but I don't know what to do in situations where my wrists feel like they're full of magnets or gravity feels just a bit stronger when I'm looking off the side of a ledge. If anyone has suggestions of ways to get through these moments without hurting the people I care about, I would love any ideas. I never want to hurt her like that again. Please.

 

[Suicidebydeath]

Let me know if you have any ideas. Let them know if there's anything they can do. Think about the person you love each time you think about hurting yourself, otherwise I don't know what to say.
(removed my vent)

 

[timf]

Ideas can form in our minds and over time we can invest a sort of momentum to them. They can almost take on a life of their own. If we impart or associate pleasant feelings to these ideas, they can begin to exert an influence over us. Since they are originally our creation, they can be seen as a sort of Frankenstein acting in ways that threaten us.

These ideas do not have to only be about suicide. Sometimes only an abrupt encounter with reality can show us how far a particular idea has grown to consume us. With suicide, it can be the idea that it is a solution to all our pain. Finding out that other people care about us can be just enough of a shock to see how far the idea has grown to carry us along.

To bring an idea that has grown malignantly back to rational proportions requires us to apply reality to the thought at each reoccurrence. For example, when a thought of the attractiveness of suicide reemerges, one can counter with the reality of how it would hurt others. Slowly the power and influence of the idea can be reduced.

Even though it is not as attractive, confronting the issues of life (mental and physical health, financial, familial, and relational) can help to build a life that even if not "successful" in the worldly sense can still be satisfying and fulfilling in a personal sense. That you have someone who cares so much about you is an indication that you are well on your way to building a solid foundation.

 

[june]

Im sorry for your struggling. It is hard yes

 

[Sherri]

Sorry for your pain, I'm here if you need someone to talk to.

 

[WhiteDespair]

the way you describe ctb is like the way people describe addiction