Wasting Away

[terra.nuvo]

This is gonna be a long vent but here goes. I don't know what's wrong with me. I just feel like I'm wasting away. I should be out doordashing at least but I can't bring myself to get off the couch. All I do is sit and watch Torchwood which honestly depresses me even more. Don't get me wrong; it is a good show that why I'm watching it, but it reminds me how depressing life can be. I'm so lazy and I don't know how to change that about myself. I've been blaming it on the depression but at this point I feel like that's just a cop out to make me feel better about being lazy. It's like I have all this desire to be better and to do the things that I know will help me but I have no willpower to do them. When will I finally be able to get off my ass and make something of my life? When will I finally be able to start living life instead of being a waste of space. I feel like I'm taking advantage of my mom. She's been great through all that I've been going through but at this point I've just been leeching off of her instead of making my own way. How do I stop being like this? It feels so impossible. It feels like I'm in a bottomless pit and i'm trying to climb out. Actually no, I'm not trying to climb out. I'm looking at how high the walls are and no longer even trying. I guess its a form of learned helplessness. But how do I unlearn this helplessness? I'm hoping that when I start my adhd medicine and the longer I stay on a mood stabilizer and antidepressant that I'll eventually regain my willpower but I'm afraid that it'll all be for nothing. What if the medicine doesn't work? What if I'm stuck like this forever? That thought terrifies me to the point where all I can do is freeze on the couch and watch my depressing show. My counselor would say I'm stuck in the freeze mode of fight flight or freeze. But if that's true, how do I get out of it?