I'm interested in hearing others thoughts or if you've experienced a similar feeling. I have an extreme amount of self-hate towards myself due to a traumatic period in my life as a teen that I blame myself for. I'm trying to understand my SI and it's really that I want to kill that part of myself, or version of myself. I wish that I could kill this body that exists as mine, step out of this body, and then I can go on and life live. I have this idea that the only way I can live life is if I get rid of the baggage that is weighing me down, which is the trauma. If I could kill this self that I am, wipe out my whole history and the weight of the world that I carry with it, then a lighter version of me can be set free to live.
But of course this isn't possible. I am so incredibly unaccepting of life and death being the only options in our existence. I can't rewrite the past, but my past is unbearable. I just can't bring myself to accept that I will have to carry on in this body forever, the trauma and memories always living in my brain and underneath my skin. I can't shut up these thoughts, I can't shut up how I feel and just be simple and accepting. It's so exhausting... just some thoughts of mine
But of course this isn't possible. I am so incredibly unaccepting of life and death being the only options in our existence. I can't rewrite the past, but my past is unbearable. I just can't bring myself to accept that I will have to carry on in this body forever, the trauma and memories always living in my brain and underneath my skin. I can't shut up these thoughts, I can't shut up how I feel and just be simple and accepting. It's so exhausting... just some thoughts of mine
