Wanting to feel better but not to recover

[StupidGirl001]

This is my first time posting here in SaSu, and it's in the Recovery section instead of the Suicide one, which I've explored much more, so I hope I'm not out of place or wasting anyone's time with my distorted brain. I'd just like some honest feedback, of course with no obligations to anyone.

I've spent my whole life being an outcast in every social context I've ever been in: school, family... I've always been on my own, no matter what. I think my childhood played a role in this, since it objectively hasn't been the best, but I still find it difficult to connect certain behaviors to specific events, first of all because I don't remember anything, and secondly because I've always been apathetic, stone-hard, and "comforted by the uncomfortable"...

I've always been bullied, even though "bullied" seems to make it sound more serious than it really was. It's not like anyone even said things that were untrue, since I am indeed ugly, fat, unlovable, etc., but maybe the "physical" part is less justified. This went on until my family and I moved. I started at a new school where I met new people. My classmates aren't any nicer; they just say uglier things behind my back. Once, a girl even texted me that I'm insufferable, that I'm all wrong and emotionally dumb, and that wherever I go in life, no one will ever truly want me. But I met this English teacher who is truly an amazing, lovely person. I talked to her and slowly understood that she had been unwanted too in her youth, but now she is building her life in a work environment where she feels content and welcomed.

Sadly, some other things happened. I've always looked forward to studying in another country, but when I went for a one-week stay, they didn't want me either. This made me feel really hopeless, because maybe I'm just too unfit for this world, you know? I started not speaking to that teacher anymore. I know it's not her fault, and she felt really guilty about what happened, but since I started looking forward to actively CTB, I thought, and still think, it would be better if she started to care less and less.

What's all this important for? Well, I think I still have an idealistic idea of this teacher in my mind. I spend nights imagining telling her everything: the thought of suicide, not being enough no matter how hard I try, and many other things... and her comforting me, hugging me, helping me seek help. That thought is what is actively stopping me from death, and that angers me. I don't need "help" or someone to understand; I don't get why my stupid brain has fixated on something so unrealistic.

I've always longed for death, very often actively. For years. I don't have any idea what happiness feels like, or should feel like, and honestly, it scares me. I've always hated how I look, act, and pretty much desired for my existence to be wiped out from reality. No one wants me and I don't want to stay, so why bother?

No matter how hard I try to be better, it seems I'm just unfit for happiness and end up quitting...

 

[Gild-Holm-’Ur]

Fighting the sleep monster... But as someone who sees a lot of similarities in your story. Even spending most of your life alone, you can still find someone later in life. And they will see your beauty and think you are wonderful.

 

[StupidGirl001]

Even spending most of your life alone, you can still find someone later in life. And they will see your beauty and think you are wonderful.

...I don't think that will ever happen, but we'll see. Right now I just feel like an attention seeker, like my pain is fake, my death desire is fake... I don't really know what my true "I" is like and I don't think I'll ever find out. How can someone love me?

But thank you for your kind words

 

[Cloud Busting]

Honestly, the danger in finding that special someone who always understands and gets you.. is that they can betray you in the blink of an eye. I understand why ppl idealize. Life is a dark bleak dreary place and shit that happens us humans with our puny brains we just can't wrap our head around that shit.

You have to discover your own worth and value for yourself… yet how do you do that? It's hard. It sounds like people didn't support you, so no wonder you couldn't believe in yourself. It doesn't matter if it was true or not, ppl shouldn't have bullied you. I'm sorry they didn't stand up and support you, perhaps help you with your appearance? Instead of helping one another we tear each other down to feel superior. It's ridiculous.

Also I'm sorry but I really don't understand why your teacher should feel guilty? Like none of you did anything wrong. You tried an experience, and it didn't work? Why did it go wrong? What could have possibly made it better? What did you learn?

Failure is inevitable. It's learning how to tackle it and find another path that is the real challenge. Im more afraid of failing cuz im afraid people will punish me or condemn or shame me for it…. Good lord. Ppls reactions hurts more than the failure itself. Especially when ppl don't trust me anymore and then I have to deal with the repercussions and consequences of that… some of the consequences of which I don't even deserve and are a violation of my rights… I guess what I really fear is the restriction of my freedom

It seems you are ashamed… embarrassed… I'm not gonna tell you to talk to your teacher. Not my right to say. However, maybe you'd be surprised. Maybe she won't scold you. Maybe you can work out a better opportunity. If your teacher gets you, that's the kinda person you want in your corner.

Also why don't you want recovery? What does recovery mean to you?

 

[StupidGirl001]

First of all, thank you for your reply! I'm not really used to people actually taking me seriously, I'm very grateful for you and everyone else here on SaSu. You're all wonderful people, truly.

Honestly, the danger in finding that special someone who always understands and gets you.. is that they can betray you in the blink of an eye.

I just never had anybody to console me or emotionally care for me, because of my childhood. Abusive father, moved into a orphanage for quite some time... so I just long for someone to... I'm not even sure, but simply someone to turn to for a hug or a safety place. I'm always on my own. It gets tiring. But then, if I tey to open up to people I am the first to get away since I'm scared they'll leave as soon as they understand how much of an horrible person I am...

I'm sorry they didn't stand up and support you, perhaps help you with your appearance? Instead of helping one another we tear each other down to feel superior. It's ridiculous.

I always hated how I look. Plus I feel very tired all the time. Sometimes I don't even hate the energy to wash myself. Go to school with the same hoodie for a week.
Children can be mean and in this context even more, I don't blame them if I'm incompetent, but that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt (especially if the teachers know but don't react or try to stop this from happening!)

Also I'm sorry but I really don't understand why your teacher should feel guilty? Like none of you did anything wrong. You tried an experience, and it didn't work? Why did it go wrong? What could have possibly made it better? What did you learn?

She was the mobility responsable. She was the one in charge to get in touch with the other school and make the plane tickets ect. She didn't come with us tho, and that way, I was "all alone" in the new country. That meant that when my host family wanted to throw me out of their house, no one tried to stop them. No one stood up to me. Since I'm her student, I think it kinda struck with her? She is a very beautiful, empathetic and emotional soul. That's why.

My host family said I was too weird and unhappy, that I had bad hygiene and looked badly (even if that week I was very happy and took care of myself the most. It just wasn't enough... it's never enough), and wanted to throw me out.
I was in group (I was with some classmates), but they only made it worse saying I am a lost case and they'd never think of hanging out with me... it was just messy. I don't know why I think it would be different.
When I got back in school news spread. A classmate of mine started saying "not even in [country] they want you" and other very heavy stuff...

I don't know what could have made it better. Maybe not going. My hope is useless, I see it now. The ironic thing is that it was the only thing I was looking foward to. Now I just hate the idea of travelling and started hating my favourite instead too, since my host sister used to play it.
I didn't lear anything, it was more a "getting to know people from other countries"
Since I'm an antisocial, ugly freak it didn't work. I hoped they'd be more knowledgeable people to discuss with some interesting topics together... it really wasn't the case.

Failure is inevitable. It's learning how to tackle it and find another path that is the real challenge. Im more afraid of failing cuz im afraid people will punish me or condemn or shame me for it…. Good lord. Ppls reactions hurts more than the failure itself. Especially when ppl don't trust me anymore and then I have to deal with the repercussions and consequences of that… some of the consequences of which I don't even deserve and are a violation of my rights…

Failure is... heavy. I try to react better but I don't think I do... because if I fail there's nothing keeping me here, alive... no reason.
I survived many difficult periods because I had high grades and didn't want them getting lower. No other reason.
What happens now if they lower? I'll just have to... yk.

I'm so sorry you feel that way. If people react badly, I'd say they don't love you, they love your success. They don't really care.
I mean, I don't know for sure but I'd start analysing things. Understanding.

I guess what I really fear is the restriction of my freedom

Everyone care for their freedom while I'm only able to work on schedule (school).
I don't fear losing freedom when I'm not even able to use it correctly! I just waste time around.

It seems you are ashamed… embarrassed… I'm not gonna tell you to talk to your teacher. Not my right to say. However, maybe you'd be surprised. Maybe she won't scold you. Maybe you can work out a better opportunity. If your teacher gets you, that's the kinda person you want in your corner.

I don't want to tell my parents. I don't think it should be her responsibility to bear all this wrongness in me. It's unfair. I'd ruin her happy life even more.

I don't know why my faulty brain picked her tbh. It seems to me I'm stuck at longing for the first person who showed me kindness and never moved on.

We'll see what happens next time I'll see her. How things go. How she reacts.
She once said that I was someone she deeply cared about. Another time, I talked to her about changing school (when I was really thinking about ctb) and she said she'd miss me. But this was a long time ago before the erasmus disaster.

Also why don't you want recovery? What does recovery mean to you?

It seems messy. Difficult. I don't know if I have the capability to do that.
I'm so tired I sleep all day. How can one get better?

Plus I don't/can't see any mental health professionals, because of my childhood (my mom is contrary, I don't wanna go against her will).

I don't wanna let go of feeling bad because I'm 100% empty underneath. What use would life have then?

Nor do I trust medication! It just messes with your brain!
Because of genetic I have an higher affinity to certain mental illnesses, including depression. I don't want any label on me.

I don't wanna go on this way but I dont have anything in me to change...

 

[Gild-Holm-’Ur]

I think Cloud Bursting is right about discovering your own worth. I am a little more optimistic about finding someone. But you open yourself up for being taking advantage of or sabotaging your relationships (self-experience here) without a solid core value.