somethingsmthgirl
Member
- Nov 2, 2025
- 6
I realized what I'm looking for by posting here. I'm looking for permission.
My whole life I've been taught that death is bad and that suicide is a great shame. It's in my nature as a human to crave affirmation and acceptance, and so naturally I seek to conform to those standards impressed upon me. But I can't outlive who I am.
Even when I'm happy I still wish I was dead. I can see now that I've felt this way my whole life, that existence is such a bore, so fundamentally uncomfortable. I want to be done with it all, to my core.
But the impulse to conform, to belong, to be accepted... It's so powerful. It's kept me all this time from accepting myself, as a person who does not want to live.
As the facade of that conformity slowly fades, the impulse does not. I still yearn for acceptance, approval. And so I look for it here. Even as I plan the steps leading to oblivion, my mind needs to feel validated. It won't matter once I'm gone, of course, no matter how it happens. But I am still alive, and subject to all the biases and prejudices life has towards itself.
I wish we lived in a world where suicide was okay. I wish I could be surrounded by my loved ones in or before death, and that their grief need not be coupled to such needless shame and anger. I wish I could have dignity for who I am.
Maybe those are just the deluded thoughts of a person so deep into her own depression that she can't see a way out. But, even then, do I not deserve to be seen for where I'm at?
I know it's against the rules of this forum to ask for encouragement towards death... But maybe what I need is just encouragement itself. To hear from another living person that I'm okay. That I'm enough.
Maybe things will fall into place from there. Where that place is I cannot know.
I'm considering going off one of my meds to better encourage myself to get to that point.
My whole life I've been taught that death is bad and that suicide is a great shame. It's in my nature as a human to crave affirmation and acceptance, and so naturally I seek to conform to those standards impressed upon me. But I can't outlive who I am.
Even when I'm happy I still wish I was dead. I can see now that I've felt this way my whole life, that existence is such a bore, so fundamentally uncomfortable. I want to be done with it all, to my core.
But the impulse to conform, to belong, to be accepted... It's so powerful. It's kept me all this time from accepting myself, as a person who does not want to live.
As the facade of that conformity slowly fades, the impulse does not. I still yearn for acceptance, approval. And so I look for it here. Even as I plan the steps leading to oblivion, my mind needs to feel validated. It won't matter once I'm gone, of course, no matter how it happens. But I am still alive, and subject to all the biases and prejudices life has towards itself.
I wish we lived in a world where suicide was okay. I wish I could be surrounded by my loved ones in or before death, and that their grief need not be coupled to such needless shame and anger. I wish I could have dignity for who I am.
Maybe those are just the deluded thoughts of a person so deep into her own depression that she can't see a way out. But, even then, do I not deserve to be seen for where I'm at?
I know it's against the rules of this forum to ask for encouragement towards death... But maybe what I need is just encouragement itself. To hear from another living person that I'm okay. That I'm enough.
Maybe things will fall into place from there. Where that place is I cannot know.
I'm considering going off one of my meds to better encourage myself to get to that point.
