wanting to be murdered

[kiki <3]

hello all,

unsure how to really address this… i am quite new here so my apologies if someone has already talked about this before but. does guilt ever push you to pray for a day where you get violently murdered? you are full of gut wrenching guilt, every step you make and every time you inhale and exhale, it feels like a violation of some sort. and you are there, thinking: i wish someone would just fucking do it. someone who has no remorse, someone who could give less of a fuck about you. leave my body to rot in the middle of nowhere i don't give a fuck.

but then i think how selfish i am for praying and wanting that to happen, i can't even do it myself. at least yet, i pray i find the courage soon but i just wanted to know if anyone else feels this way or what your opinion is on this.

 

[Lavander 230]

Getting murdered is one of the easiest ways out. Unfortunately it may not be the most peaceful one, he may poke your eyes out first, drown you until you can barely breathe and let you rot in a locked basement.

 

[expiredfckmeat]

Often I think I'd welcome being murdered, not because I feel guilty, but because after all the f'ed up things people and life do to me, why stop short of finishing it? Because they're all lying cowards (that's why they want you to feel guilty, btw). Murder would have been a merciful end a long time ago, now it's just... I don't know. I'm sorry.

 

[kiki <3]

Often I think I'd welcome being murdered, not because I feel guilty, but because after all the f'ed up things people and life do to me, why stop short of finishing it? Because they're all lying cowards (that's why they want you to feel guilty, btw). Murder would have been a merciful end a long time ago, now it's just... I don't know. I'm sorry.

there is some of that too for sure, yeah. if everything has been this fucked up from the get-go for so many including myself… i feel like i wouldn't fight, just embrace the end. thank you for your response

 

[Pluto]

I relate, particularly when the news on a daily basis is all about people who actually want to be here getting murdered.

The feelings themselves probably date back to interactions with Dark Triad people (narcissistic parents?). Their interactions are completely devoid of genuine love or care, and reduce us to disposable, dehumanised objects for exploitation. Once we internalise this narrative - particular when we are young children and absorbing the energy of our environment - it will naturally evolve into these sorts of thoughts.

 

[kiki <3]

I relate, particularly when the news on a daily basis is all about people who actually want to be here getting murdered.

The feelings themselves probably date back to interactions with Dark Triad people (narcissistic parents?). Their interactions are completely devoid of genuine love or care, and reduce us to disposable, dehumanised objects for exploitation. Once we internalise this narrative - particular when we are young children and absorbing the energy of our environment - it will naturally evolve into these sorts of thoughts.

that slow agonizing process of reduction and devaluation, yeah. this want mostly comes to me when i think of the way i am treated so i agree, thank you for your response.

 

[Heavenbound]

I've considered this. It would be an easy way out, but what is the likelihood of being murdered? You'd have to be in the right place at the right time. I think it would be ideal, yet at the same time it would be painful, I would imagine.
I don't think you should feel guilty about wanting to go out this way. It's not selfish.

 

[ThisIsLife]

Only if said murderer used nitrogen to kill me :)

 

[Meretricious]

I've thought about this, and similar things, at times. I've always wondered how I would react to someone intending to murder me.

I'd imagine that I'd still be my sarcastic self. Saying things along the lines of, "Great. I've had a death wish since age 7." Or maybe, "I've waited decades for this moment." If I want to die, I could see that freaking people out. A lot of people like the fear they instill in others. If I'm fearless and welcoming, it'll throw them, and possibly their plan, off. I know this can also be shooting myself in the foot, too, as they may change their mind about killing me. Decisions.

If someone could do the murdering for me, that would actually be helpful, so I'd encourage them. Knowing my luck though, my murder would be exceptionally violent. I'd appreciate being murdered as quickly as possible, too.

 

[Lost in a Dream]

Sometimes I have thoughts about this too. I sometimes wonder what it would be like if I was in a public place and just started hearing gunshots out of nowhere. If given the chance (and a strong enough desire to die), I'd love to give up my life just to help people who want to live get to safety.

If the only thing I had to do was let some lunatic with a gun waste their bullets on me, I'd be down with that. Maybe it would throw them off and confuse them if I admitted to wanting to be killed. All I know is I want to be dead, no matter how it happens, but at least then I wouldn't feel so cowardly. I might be able to die happily knowing that someone else got to live because I died in their place.

It's really fucked up that we feel this way though. The amount of self-hatred we have to want to be murdered, it's hard to describe to people who don't get it. I wish we didn't feel this way. It's just so hard.

 

[kiki <3]

I've thought about this, and similar things, at times. I've always wondered how I would react to someone intending to murder me.

I'd imagine that I'd still be my sarcastic self. Saying things along the lines of, "Great. I've had a death wish since age 7." Or maybe, "I've waited decades for this moment." If I want to die, I could see that freaking people out. A lot of people like the fear they instill in others. If I'm fearless and welcoming, it'll throw them, and possibly their plan, off. I know this can also be shooting myself in the foot, too, as they may change their mind about killing me. Decisions.

If someone could do the murdering for me, that would actually be helpful, so I'd encourage them. Knowing my luck though, my murder would be exceptionally violent. I'd appreciate being murdered as quickly as possible, too.

i think about that a lot too - would i, if i had the time, say anything and what would i say, what would i think? but just like you said, the quicker the better. i would definitely prefer it to be sudden so that i am not even aware. i have a feeling if it were to actually happen, it would probably be very very agonizing, slow… if life has been that way, why not go all the way you know? thank you for your response

Sometimes I have thoughts about this too. I sometimes wonder what it would be like if I was in a public place and just started hearing gunshots out of nowhere. If given the chance (and a strong enough desire to die), I'd love to give up my life just to help people who want to live get to safety.

If the only thing I had to do was let some lunatic with a gun waste their bullets on me, I'd be down with that. Maybe it would throw them off and confuse them if I admitted to wanting to be killed. All I know is I want to be dead, no matter how it happens, but at least then I wouldn't feel so cowardly. I might be able to die happily knowing that someone else got to live because I died in their place.

It's really fucked up that we feel this way though. The amount of self-hatred we have to want to be murdered, it's hard to describe to people who don't get it. I wish we didn't feel this way. It's just so hard.

it really is so fucked up, this is my… maybe second time opening up about this, only one friend knows but she is in the same exact spot and has been for years, just like me. this is one of those things i could never talk about so nonchalantly and as much as i hate that there are people who get what i am saying, i am also glad to know there is someone who will not go: "what the absolute fuck" lol. most of the things i think about are of this nature and it is just eating me alive atp. i feel you, thank you for your response

 

[wanttodie]

me to

 

[WorthlessTrash]

I'd like to be so the decision can be taken away from me, and I can't prevent it from happening.

 

[jamie_]

i can relate. i don't have the bandwidth, the courage, or the bottle to do it myself. but i wouldn't fight for my life if someone had a gun pointed to my head

i still remember vividly back when this hell all started – long before i became hikikomori and back when i was still semi-functional – that whenever i'd go to the corner shop 5 mins away (god, even that simply independence and freedom is a painful nostalgia i long for) i'd be get these intrusive thoughts imagining a mugging going wrong and leading to a stabbing etc. i still remember repeatedely saying to myself in a low voice that i wouldn't even care if a got killed right now.

 

[kiki <3]

I'd like to be so the decision can be taken away from me, and I can't prevent it from happening.

understandable, i would prefer to have someone be in control of this decision.

i can relate. i don't have the bandwidth, the courage, or the bottle to do it myself. but i wouldn't fight for my life if someone had a gun pointed to my head

i still remember vividly back when this hell all started – long before i became hikikomori and back when i was still semi-functional – that whenever i'd go to the corner shop 5 mins away (god, even that simply independence and freedom is a painful nostalgia i long for) i'd be get these intrusive thoughts imagining a mugging going wrong and leading to a stabbing etc. i still remember repeatedely saying to myself in a low voice that i wouldn't even care if a got killed right now.

shit, yeah. going to a store, going to work literally anywhere and praying the entire time that something happens, someone loses their shit and that i get to feel their wrath. i feel you

 

[Gmailletters]

I've thought about this because I don't want my family to feel the guilt or felt they didn't do enough for me when I kill myself so I'd just rather be murdered or just have someone else do it for me. I just want to die in a way that would leave it as if it was someone else's fault or just something that was inevitable or couldn't be helped.

 

[xBrialesana]

Sometimes I have thoughts about this too. I sometimes wonder what it would be like if I was in a public place and just started hearing gunshots out of nowhere. If given the chance (and a strong enough desire to die), I'd love to give up my life just to help people who want to live get to safety.

If the only thing I had to do was let some lunatic with a gun waste their bullets on me, I'd be down with that. Maybe it would throw them off and confuse them if I admitted to wanting to be killed. All I know is I want to be dead, no matter how it happens, but at least then I wouldn't feel so cowardly. I might be able to die happily knowing that someone else got to live because I died in their place.

It's really fucked up that we feel this way though. The amount of self-hatred we have to want to be murdered, it's hard to describe to people who don't get it. I wish we didn't feel this way. It's just so hard.

I empathize so deeply. With all the horrible things we see in the news every day, I feel sad as most, but overwhelmingly wishful that I could trade places with the victims. Of course, you see some incident happen and the family weeping and sobbing on the news and I just wish their beloved family member had been me, no matter how brutal their end was.
We had a large major shooting in my hometown a few years ago; as someone chronically online I didn't know anybody personally at the time, but it affected the community and was truly devastating. (no info, but it was a largely young adult crowd). So many people were so sad, everythjng was bleak, I knew if I was one of those victims at least one less person would be leaving their family. When I go I'll be virtually off the map. Why hurt people with family and loved ones??
And is it selfish I think the same thing with people suffering terminal diseases? I've been through hell and back with health, being surgically sliced as much as someone terminal. Point being, they are suffering but also the families are slowly; so painfully, suffering and watching helplessly. Nobody should go through that, the world is cruel, please, please take that cancer from the 8 year old child and pass it to me. Please. It's not fair, give them a chance.
Also the comment about openingly letting yourself die and confusing the shooter made me "ha".

 

[Octavia]

As much as I hate to admit it, sometimes I do wish that someone would end me as people seem to have a much easier time grieving for someone who was murdered compared to grieving someone who retired themselves. And it makes me feel pretty awful, because that the vast majority of murder victims did not want to die and desperately wanted to stay with their loved ones. It is not a fate that I should be envying, and yet…

I guess that suicide can be interpreted as abandoning your loved ones behind to grieve your wake, and I really dislike myself because that it is something that I will be doing. Maybe that I never should have let other people get attached to me, things would be so much better if my absence can go completely unnoticed.

 

[EnlightenedDeath]

hello all,

unsure how to really address this… i am quite new here so my apologies if someone has already talked about this before but. does guilt ever push you to pray for a day where you get violently murdered? you are full of gut wrenching guilt, every step you make and every time you inhale and exhale, it feels like a violation of some sort. and you are there, thinking: i wish someone would just fucking do it. someone who has no remorse, someone who could give less of a fuck about you. leave my body to rot in the middle of nowhere i don't give a fuck.

but then i think how selfish i am for praying and wanting that to happen, i can't even do it myself. at least yet, i pray i find the courage soon but i just wanted to know if anyone else feels this way or what your opinion is on this.

I heard it termed "second-hand suicide" at some point in the past. It is where you want to die but do not want to do it yourself. An example would be someone shooting you, you getting killed in a car accident, trip and fall off a cliff, etc. You would have your wish of death but without emotionally hurting your family knowing that you took your own life.

I have those days that someone will ask how I am and I just reply that if someone pointed a gun at my head, I would not beg for my life. I want to die but not certain I can do it myself just yet, although I have plenty of means to do it including by firearm and SN amongst others.

 

[kiki <3]

I heard it termed "second-hand suicide" at some point in the past. It is where you want to die but do not want to do it yourself. An example would be someone shooting you, you getting killed in a car accident, trip and fall off a cliff, etc. You would have your wish of death but without emotionally hurting your family knowing that you took your own life.

I have those days that someone will ask how I am and I just reply that if someone pointed a gun at my head, I would not beg for my life. I want to die but not certain I can do it myself just yet, although I have plenty of means to do it including by firearm and SN amongst others.

not ready either, i so badly want to but i feel like it is coming so i always manage to find some comfort in that but if something were to happen sooner… god i would be so thankful lol. thank you for your response

 

[00nobody00]

I work in one of the most dangerous cities in the U.S. and every time I leave work and am walking to my car, I always hope someone just drives up to me and fills me with bullets.

 

[Citruscine]

If I were murdered I wouldn't need to worry about my family blaming themselves. They could blame the murderer (and not need to take it out on themselves or forums like this)

 

[Deleted member 31858]

Me, all the time, whenever I read news of someone being murdered, I wish it had been me, but I guess it would be in a very violent way.

 

[Rob1984]

If possible, I want to choose when I die. I definitely don't want some random person to decide it for me. So no, I don't want to get murdered.

 

[unnormal9]

I would never want this to happen, as I know what's it like to be tortured by another.

 

[macrocosm]

hello all,

unsure how to really address this… i am quite new here so my apologies if someone has already talked about this before but. does guilt ever push you to pray for a day where you get violently murdered? you are full of gut wrenching guilt, every step you make and every time you inhale and exhale, it feels like a violation of some sort. and you are there, thinking: i wish someone would just fucking do it. someone who has no remorse, someone who could give less of a fuck about you. leave my body to rot in the middle of nowhere i don't give a fuck.

but then i think how selfish i am for praying and wanting that to happen, i can't even do it myself. at least yet, i pray i find the courage soon but i just wanted to know if anyone else feels this way or what your opinion is on this.

Why do you feel guilty

 

[borderline-feline]

I've thought about this a lot. I made a promise to my favorite person that I wouldn't kill myself, so a part of me just wants to be murdered so that I'm allowed to die.

 

[RoundaboutResolved]

Deep bathtub, all the way under. A friend puts a half dozen cement mixing bags on top of me and leaves. It'd be over in a few mins...