want to stop feeling, dont want to die

[ninevoltheart]

i feel like im hitting another low in my life. all i do is work, come home and get high or lay in bed and do nothing. i have no real friends outside of my relationship, no hobbies i enjoy anymore. i feel like im just wasting my life away. i think ill have to pick up another job because i owe so much in bills and student loans and its impossible for my to save on the income i have, which means less room for me to just relax. but when i try to relax, all i do is think too much and feel too much. i just want everything to stop. i did percs or fent or whatever it was recently and it was the best feeling ive had in so long; just... nothing. no thoughts, no worries, no hurting. all i can think about is doing it again but i dont wanna become dependant. ive seen people who are and i cant destroy the people around me like that. but its the only thing that made me feel better besides sh (i tried to relapse, my bf threw out my blades before i could). i dont know, i feel like im stuck in this endless loop of exhaustion and boredom and repressed emotions that wont leave me alone. i wish someone would just tell me its not worth trying anymore. i wish the people around me didnt care so i could just escape this life peacefully. i wish i could just run away forever

 

[hopeless08]

i feel like im hitting another low in my life. all i do is work, come home and get high or lay in bed and do nothing. i have no real friends outside of my relationship, no hobbies i enjoy anymore. i feel like im just wasting my life away. i think ill have to pick up another job because i owe so much in bills and student loans and its impossible for my to save on the income i have, which means less room for me to just relax. but when i try to relax, all i do is think too much and feel too much. i just want everything to stop. i did percs or fent or whatever it was recently and it was the best feeling ive had in so long; just... nothing. no thoughts, no worries, no hurting. all i can think about is doing it again but i dont wanna become dependant. ive seen people who are and i cant destroy the people around me like that. but its the only thing that made me feel better besides sh (i tried to relapse, my bf threw out my blades before i could). i dont know, i feel like im stuck in this endless loop of exhaustion and boredom and repressed emotions that wont leave me alone. i wish someone would just tell me its not worth trying anymore. i wish the people around me didnt care so i could just escape this life peacefully. i wish i could just run away forever

I get you and I admire your strength going to work everyday feeling so much pain. That must be so hard to fake it.
I honestly don't think that getting addicted to fentanyl is a good idea, I understand wanting get that feeling of euphoria again but in the long run you're just going to get more depressed, the people around you that love you will suffer by seeing you in the endless cycle of addiction and you'll destroy yourself, I know you already feel destroyed but what I mean is that you'll lose everything and what if you don't dies of an overdose. I just think that things will be a thousand times worse, I know sometimes it's hard to imagine getting any worse. I suggest you hold on until you have a solid plan and are ready to go. Sorry if this offends you that's just my opinion.Hope things will work out for you

 

[AllMyDreams]

I'm sorry you're going through all this. You're very strong to have gotten through as is. I agree with @hopeless08, I think getting off the drugs is an important first step. It won't be easy I'm sure, but perhaps it could be a challenge in your life that can help get rid of the boredom?

Some people (I'm like that) get depressed when they have nothing to do, even if it's 'relaxing'. Are there any healthier hobbies you have an interest in? Some way you can distract your mind, do something for yourself, meet people etc.

 

[LunarLight]

Former H user here. Tolerance to opiates increases fast. Chances are you'll be looking for that first sensation you enjoyed so much, and will never experience again.
Plus, opiates withdrawal syndrome is hell. I never experienced it (I'm part of the 15% of opiates users who don't), but it can make it very difficult to stop using.

 

[Right2die]

i feel like im hitting another low in my life. all i do is work, come home and get high or lay in bed and do nothing. i have no real friends outside of my relationship, no hobbies i enjoy anymore. i feel like im just wasting my life away. i think ill have to pick up another job because i owe so much in bills and student loans and its impossible for my to save on the income i have, which means less room for me to just relax. but when i try to relax, all i do is think too much and feel too much. i just want everything to stop. i did percs or fent or whatever it was recently and it was the best feeling ive had in so long; just... nothing. no thoughts, no worries, no hurting. all i can think about is doing it again but i dont wanna become dependant. ive seen people who are and i cant destroy the people around me like that. but its the only thing that made me feel better besides sh (i tried to relapse, my bf threw out my blades before i could). i dont know, i feel like im stuck in this endless loop of exhaustion and boredom and repressed emotions that wont leave me alone. i wish someone would just tell me its not worth trying anymore. i wish the people around me didnt care so i could just escape this life peacefully. i wish i could just run away forever

Same here. Stuck at work right now. Would rather be dead. Come home, smoke pot, sleep. It's never enough. I feel like I need a stronger drug.
I have a very supportive bf too which makes it harder. I really wish I had no supports at all so I wouldn't have to leave behind a bunch of misery with my death

 

[ninevoltheart]

Same here. Stuck at work right now. Would rather be dead. Come home, smoke pot, sleep. It's never enough. I feel like I need a stronger drug.
I have a very supportive bf too which makes it harder. I really wish I had no supports at all so I wouldn't have to leave behind a bunch of misery with my death

thats where im at. weed doesnt feel the same now that ive had better stuff :/ having support absolutely makes it harder because it feels like i dont deserve it, you know ?

I'm sorry you're going through all this. You're very strong to have gotten through as is. I agree with @hopeless08, I think getting off the drugs is an important first step. It won't be easy I'm sure, but perhaps it could be a challenge in your life that can help get rid of the boredom?

Some people (I'm like that) get depressed when they have nothing to do, even if it's 'relaxing'. Are there any healthier hobbies you have an interest in? Some way you can distract your mind, do something for yourself, meet people etc.

not really, i have adhd so i feel like i fall out of my hobbies a lot. my bf wants to start going to the gym so im hoping thatll help, but i think im just one of those people that physically cant handle boredom/doing nothing lol

 

[Right2die]

thats where im at. weed doesnt feel the same now that ive had better stuff :/ having support absolutely makes it harder because it feels like i dont deserve it, you know ?

not really, i have adhd so i feel like i fall out of my hobbies a lot. my bf wants to start going to the gym so im hoping thatll help, but i think im just one of those people that physically cant handle boredom/doing nothing lol

Same here. Diagnosed with ADHD and bipolar. Everything is fucking boooooring.
For your ADHD if they'll prescribe you dexedrine then go for it, it's literally pure amphetamine. Super helpful if taken correctly. Loads of fun if taken incorrectly. Lol.

 

[KillingPain267]

Do NOT get addicted to opioids!!! I'm warning you. I tried for the same reason as you... to feel nothing. It worked the first week, then I ended up addicted. Tolerance builds so fast, and eventually you cannot afford but also cannot stop due to withdrawals. Then you have to humiliate yoursrlf by asking help in a center. I was addicted just 1 month to oxycodone, but am over 3 months still in treatment for it. And they test your urine, require you to come every week and eventually your family finds out and wants to monitor you to prevent you from relapsing and make it harder to research and buy ctb tools. Everyone will think addiction is your main and only problem and that you will be fine if only you stopped drugs. They will basically ignore your actual mental health issues. Addiction is slavery! Even though I still crave from time to time I NEVER wanna end up addicted again due to, cost, later health issues from it and how society reacts to me. Because then I'm stuck with having to face judgmental people. Now even my doctor thinks all my mental health issues are only due to the 1 month on opioids. And I cannot convince otherwise. FUCK FUCK FUCK!!!