Want to die, worried about impact on my children

[Corvette90]

I've already tried antidepressants. I've had therapy. Made no difference.

Ultimately I can't make myself be straight so I'm screwed. There is no happy ending here.
My 9 year old is a cheery and easy going kid, bright. With the right support she will likely overcome the sadness, in time.
I am too damaged by the last few years for there to be any hope of improvement. It's not just that I want the situation to stop - I want to die.

I'm trying to think if there are any lgbt charities in the uk. I'm not in the lgbt community but I feel there should be support for your situation. Like there is support for domestic violence etc. I would try every other option first. The lgbt community seems supportive (looking from the outside anyway). I think you need love and support.

 

[Givingupandgivingin]

I'm trying to think if there are any lgbt charities in the uk. I'm not in the lgbt community but I feel there should be support for your situation. Like there is support for domestic violence etc. I would try every other option first. The lgbt community seems supportive (looking from the outside anyway). I think you need love and support.

Thank you.
I have tried. I've have had counselling from an LGBT organisation. It made no difference. I won't give myself permission to leave my husband so I am trapped.
I need a Time Machine but that unfortunately is not an option. So many things I'd change, so many regrets that this could have been different.

My children are a priority, it's why I am still here and why I am still married to their dad.
But it is not sustainable and I need it to stop.

 

[Whale_bones]

I've already tried antidepressants. I've had therapy. Made no difference.

Ultimately I can't make myself be straight so I'm screwed. There is no happy ending here.
My 9 year old is a cheery and easy going kid, bright. With the right support she will likely overcome the sadness, in time.
I am too damaged by the last few years for there to be any hope of improvement. It's not just that I want the situation to stop - I want to die.

You have to leave. Forcing yourself to act straight will eat you up from the inside until there's nothing left. The damage you've experienced is real and won't just evaporate, but as a queer woman who lived through that, I can tell you so many stories of people who found they still have a vibrant, existing soul after finally getting to live as themselves.

You need community or if you can't get that, watch YT videos and read stories of real people who've lived this. Homophobia is a constant force that wears you down and you need real examples of hope to see the possibilities for your own life. The factors of society against us are huge, but there's a wonderful, resilient community of queer people who will shore up your strength and support you every step of the way.

 

[Givingupandgivingin]

You have to leave. Forcing yourself to act straight will eat you up from the inside until there's nothing left. The damage you've experienced is real and won't just evaporate, but as a queer woman who lived through that, I can tell you so many stories of people who found they still have a vibrant, existing soul after finally getting to live as themselves.

You need community or if you can't get that, watch YT videos and read stories of real people who've lived this. Homophobia is a constant force that wears you down and you need real examples of hope to see the possibilities for your own life. The factors of society against us are huge, but there's a wonderful, resilient community of queer people who will shore up your strength and support you every step of the way.

It's too late. I am too old.
All that would be on the other side of leaving my husband would be an acrimonious divorce and children who experience ongoing trauma from their parents' split.

I don't think there is any joy left. I appreciate what you're saying, I just don't think it applies to me. The damage is too great and I don't think I can recover from it.

 

[Zhendou]

No.
That is another 10 years.
I am hopeful that at some point even if I take no action then my body will step in anyway.

My bmi is 18 and I'm not eating and I'm losing weight. I constantly feel tired and my heart is too fast. I am burning myself. At some point surely nature will kick in and I'll die of something anyway. I got called back for a biopsy two years ago after a smear test and I've not gone back so I'm hoping that I'll just die at some point.
Maybe it would be less traumatic for my kids if it were a 'natural' death.

Thread 'Non-methods that should not be attempted' https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/non-methods-that-should-not-be-attempted.177799/

This thread mentions that voluntarily stopping eating and drinking is a non-method.

 

[Whale_bones]

It's too late. I am too old.
All that would be on the other side of leaving my husband would be an acrimonious divorce and children who experience ongoing trauma from their parents' split.

I don't think there is any joy left. I appreciate what you're saying, I just don't think it applies to me. The damage is too great and I don't think I can recover from it.

It's true that leaving wouldn't heal other parts of your life. It's just that it's necessary to have the space and chance for you to simply exist as yourself. I'm still in the situation of needing to CTB, but I know leaving was a necessary step for me, I never could have come to peace/understanding with it otherwise. Atleast it's my choice now and I can do what's right for me without the constant pressure of another person.

But I know there are many complexities about your situation I'm not informed of. I just believe having that space to exist with your true thoughts is important, whatever happens afterward/outside of it. Sending you a bit of strength and comfort even if it's from far away and across the internet

 

[A.A]

Hi Givingupandgivingin I came across your thread I hope it's ok to respond and absolutely feel free to ignore my my question if that's more appropriate to you, just wondering if you have a religion or spirituality that you believe in or practice at all?

 

[Givingupandgivingin]

Hi Givingupandgivingin I came across your thread I hope it's ok to respond and absolutely feel free to ignore my my question if that's more appropriate to you, just wondering if you have a religion or spirituality that you believe in or practice at all?

No, I don't believe in god / the afterlife.

 

[A.A]

No, I don't believe in god / the afterlife.

Have you tried or would you be willing to try wishing, this is not to stop you CTB or order you to do more things than you've done already, I'm just thinking out loud about your suffering and this came to mind just wishing, so just wishing the best for your kids, for your partner for your family for the neighbours for anyone else who cared about your friend or who is also in the same position as you, for yourself, random strangers, people you meet, wishing the best in happiness and goodness and whatever you would like to wish in, just doing that in your head before opening your eyes in the morning and throughout the day

 

[AuroraB]

I'm absolutely worn down.

I'm married. I'm gay. I told my husband I was gay when I realised (compulsory heterosexuality did a number on me) and he made me have more sex. This is ongoing. He's very angry with me and it's been five years. Every time we have sex I want to die more.

No one is supportive of my sexuality. I have two kids. I just don't want to carry on. I can't see any good options from this point forwards. My kids are good kids and are doing well. I know it is selfish to kill myself but I'm so tired of feeling afraid in my own home and guilty and ashamed about my sexuality, which is how my husband makes me feel.

I had a close friend in a similar position to me and she died of terminal cancer in July. A massive part of me envies her and she was also not sad to die. Four weeks from diagnosis to death. What a dream.

I have a method. I know where I'd do it.
How do I get over that last hope that things might get better when they absolutely won't unless someone can magic me straight? Just to be clear, I only have issue with myself being gay because of the hurt and damage it is causing my family. If I'd realised before I got married and had kids I think I'd feel differently.
Sex isn't going to improve. It will always feel like a violation.
I have no real friends. I have no supportive extended family. I have very angry and bitter husband and two great kids.

How do I push through that last bit of hope acceptance? I'm done.

divorce him?

 

[lostovertime]

My husband says I have sex with him or we split up and it'll all be my fault.
Those are my 'options.'
I don't want to live anymore. I would like there to be something to make me feel differently but I've struggled for half a decade with this now.
I just want it to stop. If I could stop it without dying I would but I can't.

Move out. Tons of resources. Depending on where you live and being gay can be tricky. But you could do it and you could be happy again. I don't believe someone with children should ctb. You will ruin them forever.

 

[A.A]

I wouldn't ordinarily recommend this, but your husband is a rapist wankstain and I'm very familiar with the comphet hole, so

before you die, consider having an affair with a woman. hop on some dating apps and find a woman to hook up with. be honest, that you're in a domestic violence situation and want to leave but cannot. or go to local LGBT groups for help - you may find someone willing to help, some resources, or maybe even a sugar mama lol. I think it's just worth a good shot before you resort to death.

Isn't there a chat here? I'm not suggesting you elope with danter0id, but maybe you can hang out on it, can even make a chat or discord, roleplay flushing your third child down the sink

 

[Givingupandgivingin]

Isn't there a chat here? I'm not suggesting you elope with danter0id, but maybe you can hang out on it, can even make a chat or discord, roleplay flushing your third child down the sink

I'm not sure? Is there?

Move out. Tons of resources. Depending on where you live and being gay can be tricky. But you could do it and you could be happy again. I don't believe someone with children should ctb. You will ruin them forever.

I hear that - but equally they've got a mother at the moment who just cries all the time and doesn't want to leave the house.

I wasn't always like this. I used to be friendly and interested in stuff. I used to enjoy things, even though ultimately life is pointless. I'd take the kids everywhere, we've done loads of cool stuff together.

But I just feel done and I don't know how to make it not feel that way. I am done. I am not sure it is possible for me to wait another ten years until my daughter is an adult, I don't think it is.

 

[music]

I am young so I recognize that I can't fully understand your situation but I have met with and spoken to two much older people who realized, whilst married and with children, that they were gay and transgender respectively. They spoke about going from happy, fun parents to slogging through the years, trying to hold the marriage together by upholding a now false identity for the sake of their children. They both made the decision to leave their partners. One peacefully, one not so much if I'm recalling things right. When I saw them they were both happy, funny, lovely people to be around. All I can say is that it doesn't have to be too late for you. I've lost a parent through divorce and I've lost a step-parent to suicide. I can assure you that the latter was far, far harder to work through. Please find somebody who's been through this to speak to for the sake of your children of course, but especially for yourself.

Wishing you the best

 

[Givingupandgivingin]

I am young so I recognize that I can't fully understand your situation but I have met with and spoken to two much older people who realized, whilst married and with children, that they were gay and transgender respectively. They spoke about going from happy, fun parents to slogging through the years, trying to hold the marriage together by upholding a now false identity for the sake of their children. They both made the decision to leave their partners. One peacefully, one not so much if I'm recalling things right. When I saw them they were both happy, funny, lovely people to be around. All I can say is that it doesn't have to be too late for you. I've lost a parent through divorce and I've lost a step-parent to suicide. I can assure you that the latter was far, far harder to work through. Please find somebody who's been through this to speak to for the sake of your children of course, but especially for yourself.

Wishing you the best

Slogging through the years. That's exactly it.
I don't feel like anyone understands in my real life - they just say well you've been married for years, why is it so hard now?
Because I didn't know before! I am trying to get back to that place, where I didn't know, but it is impossible.
I have a friend who is a woman and has met another woman and they have fallen in love, both have just left their respective long term relationships (both with children) to be together and it's all fine. How do people do it?! I just don't understand.

 

[tiredoflife2]

I'm absolutely worn down.

I'm married. I'm gay. I told my husband I was gay when I realised (compulsory heterosexuality did a number on me) and he made me have more sex. This is ongoing. He's very angry with me and it's been five years. Every time we have sex I want to die more.

No one is supportive of my sexuality. I have two kids. I just don't want to carry on. I can't see any good options from this point forwards. My kids are good kids and are doing well. I know it is selfish to kill myself but I'm so tired of feeling afraid in my own home and guilty and ashamed about my sexuality, which is how my husband makes me feel.

I had a close friend in a similar position to me and she died of terminal cancer in July. A massive part of me envies her and she was also not sad to die. Four weeks from diagnosis to death. What a dream.

I have a method. I know where I'd do it.
How do I get over that last hope that things might get better when they absolutely won't unless someone can magic me straight? Just to be clear, I only have issue with myself being gay because of the hurt and damage it is causing my family. If I'd realised before I got married and had kids I think I'd feel differently.
Sex isn't going to improve. It will always feel like a violation.
I have no real friends. I have no supportive extended family. I have very angry and bitter husband and two great kids.

How do I push through that last bit of hope acceptance? I'm done.

You're being raped then, if you don't want to have sex and you're being put under duress you're not voluntary consenting. No wonder you feel violated.

Is there no way you can leave this person?

 

[grapevoid]

Oh dear. This is an awful situation-

For one, you are never too old to start over.

Outside of therapy have you looked into resources for victims of domestic violence? You are absolutely a victim of domestic violence and could benefit from such programs even if they are not centered around your sexuality.

The trauma a divorce will cause your children is much less than the trauma of losing their parent to suicide.

I left my abusive husband 6 years ago. It was not peaceful, it was NOT easy, in fact I almost died trying to leave him. But I did it and I was able to remove my children from the situation, and explore who I really am as a person. It did not "fix" my depression, but it was worth it and I'd do it 100 times over even if the outcome was the exact same as it has been.

 

[A.A]

I'm not sure? Is there?

Yes you need to have made a certain secret number of posts if you've made enough already then according to this thread

The chat icon will appear at the top of the page header, directly left of the search bar (represented by two overlaying chat bubbles. A chat link exists under the 3 bar menu located on the far left portion of the header bar.

 

[A.A]

Have you tried or would you be willing to try wishing, this is not to stop you CTB or order you to do more things than you've done already, I'm just thinking out loud about your suffering and this came to mind just wishing, so just wishing the best for your kids, for your partner for your family for the neighbours for anyone else who cared about your friend or who is also in the same position as you, for yourself, random strangers, people you meet, wishing the best in happiness and goodness and whatever you would like to wish in, just doing that in your head before opening your eyes in the morning and throughout the day

I suggest wishing but would have suggested prayer or something similar if you had a faith of some kind, just to raise your energy/spirit a bit.

 

[bhaloo]

This thread touches my heart so much. I am exactly in the same boat.. I am 50 year old male with 2 kids and I can't CTB because of the impact on them. This is the one and only reason why I am not doing it.... otherwise I have been practicing the slip knot. I want to H**G myself so bad ..