Want to die, worried about impact on my children

[Praestat_Mori]

It might be difficult for you - but your children will appreciate the effort you put into this by leaving your abusive husband together with them. I'm sorry you have to go through this.

It's not your fault at all, but think about your children, they need you.

 

[wounded_warrior]

My husband says I have sex with him or we split up and it'll all be my fault.
Those are my 'options.'
I don't want to live anymore. I would like there to be something to make me feel differently but I've struggled for half a decade with this now.
I just want it to stop. If I could stop it without dying I would but I can't.

This does not amount to consent in many jurisdictions. Coercion is not consent. Former sex crimes detective speaking.

 

[Givingupandgivingin]

This does not amount to consent in many jurisdictions. Coercion is not consent. Former sex crimes detective speaking.

But I'm not saying no… my consent is not enthusiastic but he gave me a choice: have sex with him regularly or leave.
I don't like of those choices but he's within his rights to want a sexual relationship with his wife. I will never ever ever want to have sex with him but that's not his fault.

I am so tired of trying to bend myself into someone I'm not.

 

[m1dn1ghtmyst3ry]

I'm absolutely worn down.

I'm married. I'm gay. I told my husband I was gay when I realised (compulsory heterosexuality did a number on me) and he made me have more sex. This is ongoing. He's very angry with me and it's been five years. Every time we have sex I want to die more.

No one is supportive of my sexuality. I have two kids. I just don't want to carry on. I can't see any good options from this point forwards. My kids are good kids and are doing well. I know it is selfish to kill myself but I'm so tired of feeling afraid in my own home and guilty and ashamed about my sexuality, which is how my husband makes me feel.

I had a close friend in a similar position to me and she died of terminal cancer in July. A massive part of me envies her and she was also not sad to die. Four weeks from diagnosis to death. What a dream.

I have a method. I know where I'd do it.
How do I get over that last hope that things might get better when they absolutely won't unless someone can magic me straight? Just to be clear, I only have issue with myself being gay because of the hurt and damage it is causing my family. If I'd realised before I got married and had kids I think I'd feel differently.
Sex isn't going to improve. It will always feel like a violation.
I have no real friends. I have no supportive extended family. I have very angry and bitter husband and two great kids.

How do I push through that last bit of hope acceptance? I'm done.

I recommend reading a book called letters written in white on amazon. The character is a mother that committed suicide, she doesn't share the same story as you I'm sure but I'm sure you could relate to her in a way. Please check it out before deciding to ctb. But if that's a choice you have fully decided on doing I will not try to stop you.

 

[Whale_bones]

I'm a queer person who left an abusive man when my son was young. He's still abusive and that will never change, but I decided from the beginning what my values would be; that I would do my best to foster a good relationship between son and father, never talk badly about his dad in front of him, and do my part to keep adult issues and conversations away from him.

My ex is persistent and I have very few resources to fight him, so he has more control than is fair or just, but I'm still MUCH, much better off than I was when we lived in the same house. Let me tell you, I'm always relieved every single day I wake up that he's not in this house. Having the freedom to just exist in your true identity and not have the pressure of threats, blackmail or coercion regarding sex is a basic right. When you don't have that, it's no wonder you feel suicidal.

Give yourself the chance to see what life is like. You're experiencing the awful parts of homophobia, but you haven't had the chance to experience the joy and connection of queer friendships, the freedom of living as your authentic self, or the excitement and affection of real love.

I don't know what the future could hold for you, but these things are atleast possibilities if you stick around and start on a journey to living on your own. And you'll be following in the footsteps of many queer women who have done it before you and will be cheering you on.

 

[danter0id]

I wouldn't ordinarily recommend this, but your husband is a rapist wankstain and I'm very familiar with the comphet hole, so

before you die, consider having an affair with a woman. hop on some dating apps and find a woman to hook up with. be honest, that you're in a domestic violence situation and want to leave but cannot. or go to local LGBT groups for help - you may find someone willing to help, some resources, or maybe even a sugar mama lol. I think it's just worth a good shot before you resort to death.

 

[Housefly]

Stop sleeping with him. Don't cheat but stop coercing yourself into compliance. Be a mother until you know your kids can handle themselves. Remind them it's never their fault and has nothing to do with them. Go in peace

 

[Givingupandgivingin]

If I don't sleep with him he gets angry.
Generally he's nicer for a few days after we've had sex.
I think it reassures him. That's all he wants, constant reassurance.
If I don't have sex with him he gets more and more annoyed. Eventually I have to give in.
He makes lewd comments and will come and rub himself against me whilst I'm doing something innocuous like cooking dinner or ironing clothes or working.

I wouldn't ordinarily recommend this, but your husband is a rapist wankstain and I'm very familiar with the comphet hole, so

before you die, consider having an affair with a woman. hop on some dating apps and find a woman to hook up with. be honest, that you're in a domestic violence situation and want to leave but cannot. or go to local LGBT groups for help - you may find someone willing to help, some resources, or maybe even a sugar mama lol. I think it's just worth a good shot before you resort to death.

Fucking comphet.
Ruined my life tbh.

 

[danter0id]

Fucking comphet.
Ruined my life tbh.

comphet is a life-ruiner indeed, but you can get out of it. you can get away from this man. you can get away from the expectation of dating or fucking men. I did, though thankfully I didn't marry a man or have kids with one - but I can say from experience they start raping you more and more once you start thinking of leaving. but you can leave, I promise.

have an affair. it's not too late!

 

[wounded_warrior]

But I'm not saying no… my consent is not enthusiastic but he gave me a choice: have sex with him regularly or leave.
I don't like of those choices but he's within his rights to want a sexual relationship with his wife. I will never ever ever want to have sex with him but that's not his fault.

I am so tired of trying to bend myself into someone I'm not.

I'm not sure what to say other than look after yourself and don't let anyone coerce you into having sex. Is there a queer counselling service you could call in your area? They would probably have good advice on how to navigate this situation. Your definitely not the first person to find out later in life that you're not straight.

 

[msesis]

I don't know. I read stuff that said kids handle bereavement better than divorce. At least it's done. Divorce - the constant back and forth and I know it wouldn't be amicable - he may well introduce a new woman and step siblings (I would never do this, in my experience blended families don't work). I mean I guess he could do that when I'm dead anyway but at least my kids will be there full time. They'll have one home.

It's all my fault. If I could just make myself be straight or at least able to tolerate the sex it would maybe be ok. I know it doesn't work like that but that's what I want. I want to be able to stay and tolerate it and I can't.
So I feel like my only option is death.

Darling, it's not your fault. Do you have a therapist you can maybe speak to, if nothing to give you an unbiased third party perspective? It's. Not. Your. Fault. That you don't want to have sex. That you're gay. That your husband is judgemental. It's a really hard hand to be dealt to find out you're gay for sure after you've already married. And I'm sorry to hear the people closest to you in your life are not supportive. It must be hard for your husband too to find out that your wife is not sexually attracted to you. But that doesn't excuse his treatment of you.

As a child of parents who didn't get along, I wouldn't have minded if they had gotten a divorce. It's complicated, though. If you think your husband is going to make it a nasty fight, you might have a lot more things to consider. I'm so sorry. But it's not your fault. You deserve to be loved. Maybe you can find a way to separate amicably. Maybe you can find a support system outside of your family. I'm not trying to discourage you from ctb. But you're seen and I believe you can get out of this situation somehow. Maybe life will still be worth living then.

My husband says I have sex with him or we split up and it'll all be my fault.
Those are my 'options.'
I don't want to live anymore. I would like there to be something to make me feel differently but I've struggled for half a decade with this now.
I just want it to stop. If I could stop it without dying I would but I can't.

If you split up and it's "your fault", what will happen?

 

[fleetingnight]

But I'm not saying no… my consent is not enthusiastic but he gave me a choice: have sex with him regularly or leave.
I don't like of those choices but he's within his rights to want a sexual relationship with his wife. I will never ever ever want to have sex with him but that's not his fault.

I am so tired of trying to bend myself into someone I'm not.

What he's doing is manipulation/coercion, though. If he's not even open to talking about other options, he's using it as a threat. It doesn't matter the reason, forcing you to do something that uncomfortable for you isn't acceptable. He's not gonna die without sex, and it won't traumatize him. But doing sex acts you aren't comfortable with can easily traumatize you.

I don't mean to sound pushy with my comments, but I really want you to know that he doesn't have any right to do that

 

[Cress]

I hate to say it but it sounds like you're in a toxic relationship with your husband. The issue has nothing to do with your sexuality or you being ashamed about anything. It's simply down to your partner Having abuse of tendencies. Your options would be to encourage you both to enter therapy to see if the relationship can be salvaged or for you to separate.

I know it seems hard to comprehend at the time but there is a future down the road where you can be happy. The world has never Had more people accepting of different sexualities then at this point in time. There's plenty of people that will accept you for who you are and you could even have a relationship where someone loves and supports you and builds you up instead of tearing you down.

Please don't hurt yourself because of your sexuality it's really not worth it. There's a brighter future for you out there and I wish you nothing but the best. Whether your partner's male or female it's not normal to have a partner like you describe.