Want to die, worried about impact on my children

[Praestat_Mori]

It might be difficult for you - but your children will appreciate the effort you put into this by leaving your abusive husband together with them. I'm sorry you have to go through this.

It's not your fault at all, but think about your children, they need you.

 

[wounded_warrior]

My husband says I have sex with him or we split up and it'll all be my fault.
Those are my 'options.'
I don't want to live anymore. I would like there to be something to make me feel differently but I've struggled for half a decade with this now.
I just want it to stop. If I could stop it without dying I would but I can't.

This does not amount to consent in many jurisdictions. Coercion is not consent. Former sex crimes detective speaking.

 

[Givingupandgivingin]

This does not amount to consent in many jurisdictions. Coercion is not consent. Former sex crimes detective speaking.

But I'm not saying no… my consent is not enthusiastic but he gave me a choice: have sex with him regularly or leave.
I don't like of those choices but he's within his rights to want a sexual relationship with his wife. I will never ever ever want to have sex with him but that's not his fault.

I am so tired of trying to bend myself into someone I'm not.

 

[m1dn1ghtmyst3ry]

I'm absolutely worn down.

I'm married. I'm gay. I told my husband I was gay when I realised (compulsory heterosexuality did a number on me) and he made me have more sex. This is ongoing. He's very angry with me and it's been five years. Every time we have sex I want to die more.

No one is supportive of my sexuality. I have two kids. I just don't want to carry on. I can't see any good options from this point forwards. My kids are good kids and are doing well. I know it is selfish to kill myself but I'm so tired of feeling afraid in my own home and guilty and ashamed about my sexuality, which is how my husband makes me feel.

I had a close friend in a similar position to me and she died of terminal cancer in July. A massive part of me envies her and she was also not sad to die. Four weeks from diagnosis to death. What a dream.

I have a method. I know where I'd do it.
How do I get over that last hope that things might get better when they absolutely won't unless someone can magic me straight? Just to be clear, I only have issue with myself being gay because of the hurt and damage it is causing my family. If I'd realised before I got married and had kids I think I'd feel differently.
Sex isn't going to improve. It will always feel like a violation.
I have no real friends. I have no supportive extended family. I have very angry and bitter husband and two great kids.

How do I push through that last bit of hope acceptance? I'm done.

I recommend reading a book called letters written in white on amazon. The character is a mother that committed suicide, she doesn't share the same story as you I'm sure but I'm sure you could relate to her in a way. Please check it out before deciding to ctb. But if that's a choice you have fully decided on doing I will not try to stop you.

 

[Whale_bones]

I'm a queer person who left an abusive man when my son was young. He's still abusive and that will never change, but I decided from the beginning what my values would be; that I would do my best to foster a good relationship between son and father, never talk badly about his dad in front of him, and do my part to keep adult issues and conversations away from him.

My ex is persistent and I have very few resources to fight him, so he has more control than is fair or just, but I'm still MUCH, much better off than I was when we lived in the same house. Let me tell you, I'm always relieved every single day I wake up that he's not in this house. Having the freedom to just exist in your true identity and not have the pressure of threats, blackmail or coercion regarding sex is a basic right. When you don't have that, it's no wonder you feel suicidal.

Give yourself the chance to see what life is like. You're experiencing the awful parts of homophobia, but you haven't had the chance to experience the joy and connection of queer friendships, the freedom of living as your authentic self, or the excitement and affection of real love.

I don't know what the future could hold for you, but these things are atleast possibilities if you stick around and start on a journey to living on your own. And you'll be following in the footsteps of many queer women who have done it before you and will be cheering you on.

 

[danter0id]

I wouldn't ordinarily recommend this, but your husband is a rapist wankstain and I'm very familiar with the comphet hole, so

before you die, consider having an affair with a woman. hop on some dating apps and find a woman to hook up with. be honest, that you're in a domestic violence situation and want to leave but cannot. or go to local LGBT groups for help - you may find someone willing to help, some resources, or maybe even a sugar mama lol. I think it's just worth a good shot before you resort to death.

 

[Housefly]

Stop sleeping with him. Don't cheat but stop coercing yourself into compliance. Be a mother until you know your kids can handle themselves. Remind them it's never their fault and has nothing to do with them. Go in peace

 

[Givingupandgivingin]

If I don't sleep with him he gets angry.
Generally he's nicer for a few days after we've had sex.
I think it reassures him. That's all he wants, constant reassurance.
If I don't have sex with him he gets more and more annoyed. Eventually I have to give in.
He makes lewd comments and will come and rub himself against me whilst I'm doing something innocuous like cooking dinner or ironing clothes or working.

I wouldn't ordinarily recommend this, but your husband is a rapist wankstain and I'm very familiar with the comphet hole, so

before you die, consider having an affair with a woman. hop on some dating apps and find a woman to hook up with. be honest, that you're in a domestic violence situation and want to leave but cannot. or go to local LGBT groups for help - you may find someone willing to help, some resources, or maybe even a sugar mama lol. I think it's just worth a good shot before you resort to death.

Fucking comphet.
Ruined my life tbh.

 

[danter0id]

Fucking comphet.
Ruined my life tbh.

comphet is a life-ruiner indeed, but you can get out of it. you can get away from this man. you can get away from the expectation of dating or fucking men. I did, though thankfully I didn't marry a man or have kids with one - but I can say from experience they start raping you more and more once you start thinking of leaving. but you can leave, I promise.

have an affair. it's not too late!

 

[wounded_warrior]

But I'm not saying no… my consent is not enthusiastic but he gave me a choice: have sex with him regularly or leave.
I don't like of those choices but he's within his rights to want a sexual relationship with his wife. I will never ever ever want to have sex with him but that's not his fault.

I am so tired of trying to bend myself into someone I'm not.

I'm not sure what to say other than look after yourself and don't let anyone coerce you into having sex. Is there a queer counselling service you could call in your area? They would probably have good advice on how to navigate this situation. Your definitely not the first person to find out later in life that you're not straight.

 

[msesis]

I don't know. I read stuff that said kids handle bereavement better than divorce. At least it's done. Divorce - the constant back and forth and I know it wouldn't be amicable - he may well introduce a new woman and step siblings (I would never do this, in my experience blended families don't work). I mean I guess he could do that when I'm dead anyway but at least my kids will be there full time. They'll have one home.

It's all my fault. If I could just make myself be straight or at least able to tolerate the sex it would maybe be ok. I know it doesn't work like that but that's what I want. I want to be able to stay and tolerate it and I can't.
So I feel like my only option is death.

Darling, it's not your fault. Do you have a therapist you can maybe speak to, if nothing to give you an unbiased third party perspective? It's. Not. Your. Fault. That you don't want to have sex. That you're gay. That your husband is judgemental. It's a really hard hand to be dealt to find out you're gay for sure after you've already married. And I'm sorry to hear the people closest to you in your life are not supportive. It must be hard for your husband too to find out that your wife is not sexually attracted to you. But that doesn't excuse his treatment of you.

As a child of parents who didn't get along, I wouldn't have minded if they had gotten a divorce. It's complicated, though. If you think your husband is going to make it a nasty fight, you might have a lot more things to consider. I'm so sorry. But it's not your fault. You deserve to be loved. Maybe you can find a way to separate amicably. Maybe you can find a support system outside of your family. I'm not trying to discourage you from ctb. But you're seen and I believe you can get out of this situation somehow. Maybe life will still be worth living then.

My husband says I have sex with him or we split up and it'll all be my fault.
Those are my 'options.'
I don't want to live anymore. I would like there to be something to make me feel differently but I've struggled for half a decade with this now.
I just want it to stop. If I could stop it without dying I would but I can't.

If you split up and it's "your fault", what will happen?

 

[fleetingnight]

But I'm not saying no… my consent is not enthusiastic but he gave me a choice: have sex with him regularly or leave.
I don't like of those choices but he's within his rights to want a sexual relationship with his wife. I will never ever ever want to have sex with him but that's not his fault.

I am so tired of trying to bend myself into someone I'm not.

What he's doing is manipulation/coercion, though. If he's not even open to talking about other options, he's using it as a threat. It doesn't matter the reason, forcing you to do something that uncomfortable for you isn't acceptable. He's not gonna die without sex, and it won't traumatize him. But doing sex acts you aren't comfortable with can easily traumatize you.

I don't mean to sound pushy with my comments, but I really want you to know that he doesn't have any right to do that

 

[Cress]

I hate to say it but it sounds like you're in a toxic relationship with your husband. The issue has nothing to do with your sexuality or you being ashamed about anything. It's simply down to your partner Having abuse of tendencies. Your options would be to encourage you both to enter therapy to see if the relationship can be salvaged or for you to separate.

I know it seems hard to comprehend at the time but there is a future down the road where you can be happy. The world has never Had more people accepting of different sexualities then at this point in time. There's plenty of people that will accept you for who you are and you could even have a relationship where someone loves and supports you and builds you up instead of tearing you down.

Please don't hurt yourself because of your sexuality it's really not worth it. There's a brighter future for you out there and I wish you nothing but the best. Whether your partner's male or female it's not normal to have a partner like you describe.

 

[Givingupandgivingin]

I'm revisiting this thread because I'm still here, unfortunately.
My son finishes his exams in 16 weeks.
I still want to die, I have a date in my head now. I am trying to get myself in the right place to finally go through with it.

 

[J&L383]

I am so sorry to hear you are going through this. As a queer person who's also been pushed by society into heteronormativity, your story absolutely breaks my heart.
I can't discern exactly what type of support you are looking for, but here's my two cents:
You have something to live for, period. This life is yours to live, and I want you to sincerely think about what are leaving behind, regardless of your actual choice. I don't know you so I can't say for sure but your messages give me the impression you are a kind, genuine, and misunderstood person who doesn't deserve death.
If you choose life, I would suggest divorcing your husband. It will be hard, but a marriage between two people should never inspire feelings of shame and sadness such as it has in yours.
I truly wish you the best. This is a truly tough situation that nobody should ever be forced to go through. Don't feel selfish if you make the difficult choice, but also don't forget how much you have to live for and the options you have to change your situation in life.

This is not your fault. And based on your description, your marriage will never work. But your life still can. Try to do what's best for your children, which to stay alive. There is another life waiting for you, if you give it a chance. If you end it now you will never know what that life could have been. I hope you find peace, and happiness. Keep living. Please try.

 

[roommate]

Have u already tried therapy and such?
The issue's discribed sound very solvable to me..

 

[SchrodingerIsDed]

Okay so you are lesbian, or a gay male? I remember reading that for women it can shift back and forth, they can be gay for some period of their lives, then switch back to being straight, but for men they either are gay or are not gay and there's never any switching.

Is separation not possible? It would probably be easier on the kids if you simply left him, if that's possible where you live; I know women don't have the option in a lot of places.

But, it could just be your husband in particular, esp. if he's basically raping you all the time, not men in general.

Dunno how you would feel about this, but typically it's a man's dream to have multiple women in the bedroom. That could give you maybe some distance from sex with your husband, give you some womanliness that you've been craving it sounds like, win/win. It gives you pretense to find a woman you like, of course she'd have to be bi, then you're basically giving your husband the green light to have intercourse with a different woman which is usually pretty hard to pass up, while you get to focus on the woman. Just a thought.

As for acceptance, I'm working on that part myself, so I'm not really sure. For me, I think I'm just going to get really pissed off and drink the last drink of drinks in an angry gulp like "Fuck you," to the people who betrayed me, and to my dad who raped me, in particular. If your reason is also bitterness and anger, maybe that's how you can gain acceptance. As a final "Fuck you" to the people who abused you.

Also if your BMI is 18 that's not going to help. You need to eat more. I'd recommend the liquid calorie drinks and a multivitamin. Even if it doesn't help you feel better, it'll give you more strength to do what needs to be done anyway.

 

[Givingupandgivingin]

I'm a lesbian. I cannot form an emotional or sexual attraction to a man. I think I always knew but due to various reasons couldn't come out.
I am definitely gay.
I can't leave my marriage - tbh I don't want to be around to see the fallout from it.

It is deeply selfish but the easiest thing for me is to be dead. No dealing with upset kids or an angry husband. No navigating life on my own. No endlessly coming out to people in my 40s. I just want to die.

I think until Christmas I had some hope that things might change somehow but since then it is gone. I just want to die. I do cry when I think of my daughter being told but then she'd be just as upset if we were divorcing. At least this way there is no shuffling between houses, no awkwardness at graduations or weddings, no feeling like they have to 'choose.'
I do think this is the best thing. I spend a lot of time sat in lay-bys with my medication willing myself to just do it.
I feel like 16 weeks of viewing it as a terminal illness and getting my son through the last of his exams might finally be the nudge I need.
There is no benefit to me of being alive. I get no joy and no pleasure. I only feel sad, angry, numb or isolated.
I have stuck it this long for my kids and my parents but I have reached the end of the road.

 

[soonatpeace777888]

It seems like you just don't want to upset people so you are staying in a straight relationship even though you are gay? You already gave your parents grandchildren so they should get over it. I can tell you 500% both your children would rather have a gay mom than a dead mom.

Out of curiosity, did you know you were gay when you got married?

 

[SomePeacePlease]

I'm sorry for you situation, and I feel for you. My situation isn't the same, but I have a 9 year old son, and asked the same question a while ago. Maybe you can find some answers there. Good luck

Honestly, when is it ok to let go? (Suicide Forum)

 

[Givingupandgivingin]

It seems like you just don't want to upset people so you are staying in a straight relationship even though you are gay? You already gave your parents grandchildren so they should get over it. I can tell you 500% both your children would rather have a gay mom than a dead mom.

Out of curiosity, did you know you were gay when you got married?

I didn't know for sure… I had mentioned it to my mom aged about 16 and she was fuming and said never talk about it again. So I just ignored it and thought everyone felt like I did. Unenthused about men.

I don't think they would prefer me being alive - studies show they actually recover faster from bereavement than divorce. Because bereavement is done, the divorce situation is never ending.

 

[soonatpeace777888]

I didn't know for sure… I had mentioned it to my mom aged about 16 and she was fuming and said never talk about it again. So I just ignored it and thought everyone felt like I did. Unenthused about men.

I don't think they would prefer me being alive - studies show they actually recover faster from bereavement than divorce. Because bereavement is done, the divorce situation is never ending.

Is this your only reason for being suicidal? I think you should ask your kids what they would prefer.

 

[Givingupandgivingin]

Is this your only reason for being suicidal? I think you should ask your kids what they would prefer.

Pretty much. Having to live a lie every single day.
I mean I can't see the point in life generally but maybe I'd be doing better if I wasn't having to be someone I'm not 24/7.
Maybe I wouldn't. Maybe this is just how I am.

 

[heyismeman]

I'm absolutely worn down.

I'm married. I'm gay. I told my husband I was gay when I realised (compulsory heterosexuality did a number on me) and he made me have more sex. This is ongoing. He's very angry with me and it's been five years. Every time we have sex I want to die more.

No one is supportive of my sexuality. I have two kids. I just don't want to carry on. I can't see any good options from this point forwards. My kids are good kids and are doing well. I know it is selfish to kill myself but I'm so tired of feeling afraid in my own home and guilty and ashamed about my sexuality, which is how my husband makes me feel.

I had a close friend in a similar position to me and she died of terminal cancer in July. A massive part of me envies her and she was also not sad to die. Four weeks from diagnosis to death. What a dream.

I have a method. I know where I'd do it.
How do I get over that last hope that things might get better when they absolutely won't unless someone can magic me straight? Just to be clear, I only have issue with myself being gay because of the hurt and damage it is causing my family. If I'd realised before I got married and had kids I think I'd feel differently.
Sex isn't going to improve. It will always feel like a violation.
I have no real friends. I have no supportive extended family. I have very angry and bitter husband and two great kids.

How do I push through that last bit of hope acceptance? I'm done.

If they aren't adults you are not allowed to ctb straight up is my personal opinion. Everyone else can but not parents with young kids just wait for the love of God until they are mature enough to cope without massive trauma that is lossing your parents at a young age

 

[Givingupandgivingin]

If they aren't adults you are not allowed to ctb straight up is my personal opinion. Everyone else can but not parents with young kids just wait for the love of God until they are mature enough to cope without massive trauma that is lossing your parents at a young age

They are 15 and 9. Not little little.

I am on the verge of going to bed and not being able to get back up anyway. It's not a choice. I cannot, I physically cannot, carry on as I am. My body will choose for me.
I want to die.

 

[heyismeman]

They are 15 and 9. Not little little.

I am on the verge of going to bed and not being able to get back up anyway. It's not a choice. I cannot, I physically cannot, carry on as I am. My body will choose for me.
I want to die.

No look, go to the hospital get a prescription for something like Adderall plus fluxetine or some other anti depressant and quitipine for the night so you can sleep and keep storming forwards. If your husband isn't happy with you being gay fuck him. You have a 9 year old kid that if you pass away will be emotional stunted, depressed etc etc for the rest of his life, just stick around until the 9 year old is 15-16 then do it. Do not quit now you gave birth to him YOU gave birth to him don't mentally destroy him for the rest of his life. Like I said 15-16 so 6 years.

 

[slightoverlooked]

They are 15 and 9. Not little little.

I am on the verge of going to bed and not being able to get back up anyway. It's not a choice. I cannot, I physically cannot, carry on as I am. My body will choose for me.
I want to die.

im so sorry for your suffering but pls :(( your kids r so young and they will never recover from this. i dont know how it feels to be in your position and your husband sounds horrible but i hope you can split from your husband and leave with your kids...

 

[heyismeman]

They are 15 and 9. Not little little.

I am on the verge of going to bed and not being able to get back up anyway. It's not a choice. I cannot, I physically cannot, carry on as I am. My body will choose for me.
I want to die.

He will understand it if you do it when he's mentally mature enough 15-16 he will NEVER understand it if you do it now he's gonna go into puberty mentally fucked and that will carry on for the rest of his life

 

[Givingupandgivingin]

No look, go to the hospital get a prescription for something like Adderall plus fluxetine or some other anti depressant and quitipine for the night so you can sleep and keep storming forwards. If your husband isn't happy with you being gay fuck him. You have a 9 year old kid that if you pass away will be emotional stunted, depressed etc etc for the rest of his life, just stick around until the 9 year old is 15-16 then do it. Do not quit now you gave birth to him YOU gave birth to him don't mentally destroy him for the rest of his life. Like I said 15-16 so 6 years.

I've already tried antidepressants. I've had therapy. Made no difference.

Ultimately I can't make myself be straight so I'm screwed. There is no happy ending here.
My 9 year old is a cheery and easy going kid, bright. With the right support she will likely overcome the sadness, in time.
I am too damaged by the last few years for there to be any hope of improvement. It's not just that I want the situation to stop - I want to die.

 

[heyismeman]

I've already tried antidepressants. I've had therapy. Made no difference.

Ultimately I can't make myself be straight so I'm screwed. There is no happy ending here.
My 9 year old is a cheery and easy going kid, bright. With the right support she will likely overcome the sadness, in time.
I am too damaged by the last few years for there to be any hope of improvement. It's not just that I want the situation to stop - I want to die.

Take an anti phycotic medication like quitipin and Adderall, you'll sleep and be numb from quitipine and euphoric/energy from Adderall and no that is bullshit your daughter is cheery happy and easy going now, if you ctb you will destroy her it's not like a dog who died or a cat it's her mom, she will absolutely not recover and recovering means coping not being her happy joyful self, you gotta let her develop a personality first before so 15-16 idealy 18. Then she can recover and keep her inner energy of happy cheerful for the rest of her life, but childhood trauma is not the same as adult trauma, childhood trauma casts a forever shadow on her psychology
It's not about you, it's your daughter that matters most

I've already tried antidepressants. I've had therapy. Made no difference.

Ultimately I can't make myself be straight so I'm screwed. There is no happy ending here.
My 9 year old is a cheery and easy going kid, bright. With the right support she will likely overcome the sadness, in time.
I am too damaged by the last few years for there to be any hope of improvement. It's not just that I want the situation to stop - I want to die.