Venting wanna put myself in danger + ed tw

[ultraviolence]

I wanna be self-destructive... I really shouldn't but I just feel so shitty I hate everything. NO ONE will ever love me as much as I love them the one person who ever did, a past best friend, I ruined it. I apologized and they're great so they accepted it-- which I did not deserve. Things will never be the same, I can't undo the pain I gave them.

I saw some pictures of me for the first time today and I look so ugly I want to sob I hate my face and body. I'm so hideous. I can't believe this is it, that this is the body I'm cursed with and have to live with forever. I feel disgusting, I binge ate out of stress and I'm a cosplayer and I have to be in shape in like a week for a cosplay and I want to cry because I know I've gained weight bc I binged for like 3 days in a row. I just wanted comfort... I'm so gross. And everyone is so cruel I hate it here I hate it. I want to throw up my dinner. I just want someone to make me believe I'm pretty. I wish a man would just fix me. I really need a drink. It sucks that I'm not 21 yet and never will be. I have no alcohol supply rn... losing my fking mind. I'm contemplating (probably won't because things aren't THAT bad... yet) of meeting up with a much older man who I am scared of and could and probably would spike me but I'm so hurt right now I don't really care if he drugs me. I know that's just me being self-destructive and the thought of giving myself away like that just to get drunk disgusts me... but I really can't do it anymore. I'm spiraling into a new low. I don't care what happens to me anymore. Maybe if I get raped that'll give me enough balls to end it before my desired date. I am so fucked up lol. I'll never find love so what is the point in foolishly saving my firsts and hoping I'll meet someone when I know I am unlovable? It's just a fact. Yet I keep having hope. Hope is so dangerous. It's hurting me even more.

My brother came over today and I really love him and we were laughing and I just couldn't stop thinking about how it's going to destroy him when I CTB. How do I deal with this guilt? I feel so sad but I can't do it anymore. Every day I wake up disoriented in my makeup and feeling like death. I want to sleep forever but I know I can't keep wasting my life. Sleep is one of my only comforts these days I napped like 4 times today. Every day I say I'll be productive and I'll get my life together and I blink and suddenly it's 10 pm again. I'm so useless. I can't seem to find joy in anything. Even when I'm having a happy moment all I think about is how fabricated it all is. Everyone just pretends everything is okay. People are so mean to me. I'm living in a weird limbo state where each day bleeds into the next and tomorrow is next week and yesterday is a month ago and nothing makes any sense. I want to relapse in sh. I'm so tired even though I did nothing today. I'm so so tired I want to sleep forever. I'm wasting my youth rotting in my room. I can't wait to CTB it's the only thing that comforts me.

 

[Smelly_ballz]

I just couldn't stop thinking about how it's going to destroy him when I CTB.

I am also like this when I am having a good time with my lover. There is not much wisdom I can give that will ease the guilt, but I understand this feeling.

I'm so tired even though I did nothing today. I'm so so tired I want to sleep forever. I'm wasting my youth rotting in my room. I can't wait to CTB it's the only thing that comforts me.

I relate to this too. If I could do it today I could, but life traps us one way or another.

 

[SchrodingersCat]

Damn this is heartbreaking to read I'm so sorry you're going through this. I know exactly what you mean when you talk about feeling unproductive. I felt the same way until I found something that I am really interested in and I found it just by trying a bunch of new things. Hopefully you find something that you truly love to do.