wanna leave in the next 30 minutes

[Ramirez]

Hold on for a second. You do not actually want to die?

You will die eventually, but.. you said it that you do not want to die. Is this why it fails you ya think?

i dont. but i cant live like this. i want a new normal happy life. but i cant just be a new person.

 

[Ghost2211]

i dont. but i cant live like this. i want a new normal happy life. but i cant just be a new person.

I understand this completely.

 

[Ramirez]

He cheated and left, and now he's trying to take the kids. I'm holding out to see if I keep my kids and have a place to live otherwise I'll be following in your footsteps.

so sorry to hear that. i really hope you can keep them. you seem like such a sweet and caring person.

 

[Ghost2211]

so sorry to hear that. i really hope you can keep them. you seem like such a sweet and caring person.

Me too. It makes me sad to hear that life has pushed you into this place, and that you don't really want to be stuck in this corner. It's really sad when people end up ctb because they have to and not because they want to.

 

[Ramirez]

Me too. It makes me sad to hear that life has pushed you into this place, and that you don't really want to be stuck in this corner. It's really sad when people end up ctb because they have to and not because they want to.

yeah it is. not as sad as the life that i would be living. but sad either way. i dont even know if this is gonna work. it takes me a long time to feel faint. but ill try my hardest cuz i swore to myself i woudnt let me sink this low.

 

[Ghost2211]

yeah it is. not as sad as the life that i would be living. but sad either way. i dont even know if this is gonna work. it takes me a long time to feel faint. but ill try my hardest cuz i swore to myself i woudnt let me sink this low.

Yeah I don't really understand how anybody can cope with homelessness. I know I couldn't. I really do hope things work out for you either way.

 

[Throwmyselfaway]

Hugs! We are all here for you whatever you decide

 

[Ramirez]

sorry i need couple more minutes. im not a brave person.

Yeah I don't really understand how anybody can cope with homelessness. I know I couldn't. I really do hope things work out for you either way.

well ive been homeless before. but i was in psych ward for 4 months then. its not that. i just told them that i dont want payment anymore cuz i going somewhere. if i kept getting paid id just keep delaying it. and i was not happy at all with the live i was living. i was just playing online games and drinking like crazy to forget. but it has to end..

 

[Ghost2211]

you don't need to apologize. This is your journey and whichever direction it goes it's up to you, and it's OK whether you decide to stay or go.

 

[Ramirez]

i will spend some minute alone listening to music. then i have to try. if it doesnt work ill talk to you after. thanks for talking to me guys. rosey especially you really helped me so much tonight thanx <3
its not working i leand my whole body into it. i get drowsy i start my muscle go spastic but i dont faint. ill try again i couple minutes. im so sweaty now.

 

[Ghost2211]

i will spend some minute alone listening to music. then i have to try. if it doesnt work ill talk to you after. thanks for talking to me guys. rosey especially you really helped me so much tonight thanx <3
its not working i leand my whole body into it. i get drowsy i start my muscle go spastic but i dont faint. ill try again i couple minutes. im so sweaty now.

I don't know why it works so easily for some people and so hard for others. I'm sorry to hear you're struggling with this so much. Sending you many hugs.

 

[Ramirez]

i cant remember much. i prolly lost a lost alot of braincells lol. if this doesnt work then i dont know what i gonna do. i cant jump..too scary.
if this doesnt work ive to go to my moms place tomorrow and ask her for money. i dont have any food. i really dont want to cuz she hurt me so much. im crying. ill try again in couple minutes.
its scary and then it takes so long. why cant it be quick like a gun. its so hard for me to keep trying this...my apartment is high enough but i cant jump. no way.
its not working. i felt like i was gone but im still fucking here. i cant go anywhere tomorrow i got marks all around my throat. idk if i can try again tonight. im in deep shit now.
i tried so hard i swear.
ive to try tomorrow again. cant go anywhere like this.
i take it back. method sucks dont know why it wont work.

 

[Ramirez]

im tired im crying im done. i can hardly use this forum now. idk what im gonna do. im not gonna try again today. ill figure something out tomorrow i hope.

 

[Ghost2211]

im tired im crying im done. i can hardly use this forum now. idk what im gonna do. im not gonna try again today. ill figure something out tomorrow i hope.

Hopefully a good nights sleep helps you

 

[x~Sophia~x]

im tired im crying im done. i can hardly use this forum now. idk what im gonna do. im not gonna try again today. ill figure something out tomorrow i hope.

You're doing the right thing, I don't think this method is for you Phil... time for a rethink. You know where I am if you need to chat. Get some sleep.

 

[Ramirez]

yes its okay. imma try again tomorrow. gonna chill for now.

 

[Goodbye710]

If you need money for food, I'm more than happy to send through I suppose PayPal to feed you. Let me know. More than happy to.

 

[GreenTree]

Tomorrow for me always ends up the same hell. How can a loving God makes us suffer to the point we have to choose a gruesome death.

If you need money for food, I'm more than happy to send through I suppose PayPal to feed you. Let me know. More than happy to.

Same I'll PayPal you some money too.

 

[Ramirez]

thats super nice of you guys. its okay though i still have some noodles. and im determined to be gone before the week is over. if i cant do it imma have to go to my moms. also my paypal is suspended :D. but i got this! thank you guys so much though.

 

[x~Sophia~x]

its okay though i still have some noodles.

You can't survive on noodles and booze

 

[Goodbye710]

If you change your mind please make sure you let me know.

We're thinking of you Phil and just want the best for you,

 

[Ramirez]

You can't survive on noodles and booze

for a day or 2 :D. i still have a littlebit of other stuff. i might go to my moms place tomorrow and maybe chat with her and have a meal there. but i actually really wanna leave so i hope i can get it done before the weekend is over. its just that when im drunk i get all happy and forget how bad my life is. but i need to calm the nerves a bit before i do it.

 

[Ghost2211]

for a day or 2 :D. i still have a littlebit of other stuff. i might go to my moms place tomorrow and maybe chat with her and have a meal there. but i actually really wanna leave so i hope i can get it done before the weekend is over. its just that when im drunk i get all happy and forget how bad my life is. but i need to calm the nerves a bit before i do it.

Would your mom be a support system to help rebuild your life? You expressed that you don't want to literally die. I can very much relate to getting wasted makes all the pain go away, too.

 

[Ramirez]

Would your mom be a support system to help rebuild your life? You expressed that you don't want to literally die. I can very much relate to getting wasted makes all the pain go away, too.

dont think so. i attempted last year when i still had her support. im just not made for life. alot of issues ever since i was very little. i dont see me ever living happy really.

 

[Ghost2211]

dont think so. i attempted last year when i still had her support. im just not made for life. alot of issues ever since i was very little. i dont see me ever living happy really.

I understand that. I'm not a happy person either. I'm capable of being happy, but I suppose not all of us are built to just baseline be happy.

 

[Ramirez]

also my mom is really abusive. she did help me out with money and stuff like that since im a fuck up. but the stuff she says to me and tells others about me are just nasty. its always been like this and it has gotten much worse over the last years. so im not sure if i even wanna talk to her. ill decide tomorrow i guess.

 

[Ghost2211]

I'm sorry to hear that. I really hope you're able to find the peace you desire. Nobody deserves to suffer so much.

 

[Goodbye710]

I have zero happiness in me. It's not depression or anything for me just been through so much in life that things don't make me happy. I don't think I'm capable of happiness anymore. I only look for a content feeling. I personally take kratom which is very low dose opioids. I found it to work better than alcohol to get me through the day and helps with my bad heart problem. There is one thing that makes me happy and that's helping others. Been a caregiver for many years, helped my dogs and now going to work at a senior citizen home on monday. If I can't make myself happy, I try to with others.

In june I had those same marks on my neck and tried so many other ways to ease my suffering. One day my heart will give though and I get to see my loved ones who have passed before which is the only thing I look forward to.

I don't know why I'm saying this. just trying to let you know we are here with you. Also, for some reason many people such as myself just can't hang. Many have experienced this. I had those some marks around my neck in june.