Venting

[Forever_Hopeless]

I am at a really, really low point today. Thinking about suicide the whole day, but I feel too lethargic to attempt. I do have a plan, I've prepared everything for ctb, and I really just want everything to be over as soon as possible. It feels like my brain's split in two different parts, one being incredibly destructive and just wants me to die, and another one trying to make me endure at least one more day. I hate it so much. I hate being such a coward. I can't do this anymore and it hurts so much to live.

 

[Sulyya]

I am so sorry that today is awful.
imo if you have some potential paths to recovery here or there, pursue that at least as much as you work on a ctb plan.

 

[slugcat]

I am at a really, really low point today. Thinking about suicide the whole day, but I feel too lethargic to attempt. I do have a plan, I've prepared everything for ctb, and I really just want everything to be over as soon as possible. It feels like my brain's split in two different parts, one being incredibly destructive and just wants me to die, and another one trying to make me endure at least one more day. I hate it so much. I hate being such a coward. I can't do this anymore and it hurts so much to live.

This resonates with me a lot, i really want to die but i always get an unstopable fear when i am close to doing it.
But i don't think you are a coward, you are just suffering a lot and you are still trying your best to survive.
Living is so painful. i hope you will find peace in a way or another, i am maybe stupid but i always think there is hope.

 

[LastingSolace]

I am at a really, really low point today. Thinking about suicide the whole day, but I feel too lethargic to attempt. I do have a plan, I've prepared everything for ctb, and I really just want everything to be over as soon as possible. It feels like my brain's split in two different parts, one being incredibly destructive and just wants me to die, and another one trying to make me endure at least one more day. I hate it so much. I hate being such a coward. I can't do this anymore and it hurts so much to live.

you aren't a coward. feeling low or lethargic is also normal, those things happen and don't provide a definition of you. i understand the split in two and i encourage you to keep on going forward and endure. I can't promise happiness, to you, anyone, not even to myself. but personally i live for the little good things, things others might find insignificant if they aren't truly miserable, and i cling to those things and hope for the best, keep on going forward and so on. suicide is always the very last option. don't let this place trick you into thinking it's a good option. one day your life will be at least somewhat close to what you imagine if you keep going forward. things can get slightly better at least, with going forward there is always a chance of progress, it may not be significant but it's noticable, just like if you fill up an empty cup a bit with water. (Edit: grammatical mistake)

 

[Forever_Hopeless]

Thank you so much for your replies, I am incredibly thankful for that.
I didn't attempt yesterday and consider talking to someone today, although I'm afraid of being hospitalised.