Venting Venting everything.

[Pancake]

I tried my best. I tried so very hard but I just can't do it. I'm too weak, mentally and physically. I feel so drained all the time and it feels like I can't do anything. I feel pathetic and useless.

My motivation is gone, the mental fortitude that I had before to keep pushing is not there anymore. I'm late to class everyday and I haven't done an assignment in months. I still try to pay attention in class but my thoughts are clouded by so much pain. Anytime I try to catch up with my work, even a little, I'm overwhelmed by how much I need to do and give up. I've basically destroyed my chances of getting into my major because of how crappy I'm doing right now. I know I need to get help, but I don't want to. I feel like talking to someone's going to push me over the edge.

I'm such a pushover. I can't say no to anyone, even the person who hurt me so much. I'm so afraid of people getting angry at me. And leaving me. In arguments, I always step back. I don't want to argue with anyone. Losing hurts but winning and making someone angry hurts more. Crowds are so loud and obnoxious it makes my head hurt, and the anxiety give me a stomach ache.

My parents don't realize how much being out of the house takes out of me. Going to school already makes me anxious, being away even farther makes me want to kill myself. I have to suppress my tears because I'm afraid they're going to yell at me. Every single extended trip out of the house made me want to kill myself. They're so horribly planned. Something always goes wrong. It stresses me out. They're not fun. Rather, they make me depressed and EXTREMELY anxious. I can't stress enough how terribly anxious I get. My parents force me to laugh. If I'm not smiling I get scolded. If I'm in a crowd I feel like offing myself right then and there. If I have to talk to extended family I get really uncomfortable. They say I should be having fun because they're my family, but I don't know them. They're basically strangers to me. Every trip is sprung on me a day, even just hours beforehand. It sounds minor, but after dozens of trips and they still don't listen. The things I missed and I can never get back because they wanted to go on their stupid "fun family trip" will haunt me forever.

I've done so many things that I regret. And the worst part is I can't let go. Things I did in middle school still make me feel remorseful. I'm such a piece of garbage. I told a young girl to kill herself and condoned the trash talk of my peers. We hunted her down when she blocked us. I'm so ashamed. We didn't stop at that but that was the worst of it. I'm really too ashamed to admit any more of what we did to that girl. The amount of times I hurt someone with my words are many. They add up and make me remorseful. As I should be, but sometimes the regret is hard to handle.

I had someone very special to me. I loved her so much. I can hardly speak to her now. I really hate talking about my relationship so I'll try to make it short. I was very depressed and she saved my life by being there for me. I fell in love with her because she was the only one that cared. Then she left me. And it felt like she left me for another guy. I thought she never even loved me in the first place. That everything she said was a lie. I'm leaving out a lot of details. In reality a lot of what happened was my fault. I shouldn't have done a lot of things, I just wish she didn't leave me like that. She left me when I was feeling particularly lonely and remorseful. I needed someone to talk to but she started acting cold to me. It made me feel so insignificant. She'd ignore me and play games with other guys. It made me so jealous and I flipped. Then she broke up with me. I regret how I acted. I understand why she left me. I understand very well, and it eats me up inside. I wish I could dispel all my insecurities for her but they only grow larger.

I'm hoping by venting the things that hurt me most I'll stop posting venting threads. I don't really like being vulnerable and sharing all the time, even online. But the people here are very kind and don't say annoying things so I thought why not.

tl;dr I useless :( no motivation. scared of people :(. wanna stay home but parents no likey. I did a really bad thing. Heart brokey :(..

 

[Mortalist]

I tried my best. I tried so very hard but I just can't do it. I'm too weak, mentally and physically. I feel so drained all the time and it feels like I can't do anything. I feel pathetic and useless.

My motivation is gone, the mental fortitude that I had before to keep pushing is not there anymore. I'm late to class everyday and I haven't done an assignment in months. I still try to pay attention in class but my thoughts are clouded by so much pain. Anytime I try to catch up with my work, even a little, I'm overwhelmed by how much I need to do and give up. I've basically destroyed my chances of getting into my major because of how crappy I'm doing right now. I know I need to get help, but I don't want to. I feel like talking to someone's going to push me over the edge.

I'm such a pushover. I can't say no to anyone, even the person who hurt me so much. I'm so afraid of people getting angry at me. And leaving me. In arguments, I always step back. I don't want to argue with anyone. Losing hurts but winning and making someone angry hurts more. Crowds are so loud and obnoxious it makes my head hurt, and the anxiety give me a stomach ache.

My parents don't realize how much being out of the house takes out of me. Going to school already makes me anxious, being away even farther makes me want to kill myself. I have to suppress my tears because I'm afraid they're going to yell at me. Every single extended trip out of the house made me want to kill myself. They're so horribly planned. Something always goes wrong. It stresses me out. They're not fun. Rather, they make me depressed and EXTREMELY anxious. I can't stress enough how terribly anxious I get. My parents force me to laugh. If I'm not smiling I get scolded. If I'm in a crowd I feel like offing myself right then and there. If I have to talk to extended family I get really uncomfortable. They say I should be having fun because they're my family, but I don't know them. They're basically strangers to me. Every trip is sprung on me a day, even just hours beforehand. It sounds minor, but after dozens of trips and they still don't listen. The things I missed and I can never get back because they wanted to go on their stupid "fun family trip" will haunt me forever.

I've done so many things that I regret. And the worst part is I can't let go. Things I did in middle school still make me feel remorseful. I'm such a piece of garbage. I told a young girl to kill herself and condoned the trash talk of my peers. We hunted her down when she blocked us. I'm so ashamed. We didn't stop at that but that was the worst of it. I'm really too ashamed to admit any more of what we did to that girl. The amount of times I hurt someone with my words are many. They add up and make me remorseful. As I should be, but sometimes the regret is hard to handle.

I had someone very special to me. I loved her so much. I can hardly speak to her now. I really hate talking about my relationship so I'll try to make it short. I was very depressed and she saved my life by being there for me. I fell in love with her because she was the only one that cared. Then she left me. And it felt like she left me for another guy. I thought she never even loved me in the first place. That everything she said was a lie. I'm leaving out a lot of details. In reality a lot of what happened was my fault. I shouldn't have done a lot of things, I just wish she didn't leave me like that. She left me when I was feeling particularly lonely and remorseful. I needed someone to talk to but she started acting cold to me. It made me feel so insignificant. She'd ignore me and play games with other guys. It made me so jealous and I flipped. Then she broke up with me. I regret how I acted. I understand why she left me. I understand very well, and it eats me up inside. I wish I could dispel all my insecurities for her but they only grow larger.

I'm hoping by venting the things that hurt me most I'll stop posting venting threads. I don't really like being vulnerable and sharing all the time, even online. But the people here are very kind and don't say annoying things so I thought why not.

tl;dr I useless :( no motivation. scared of people :(. wanna stay home but parents no likey. I did a really bad thing. Heart brokey :(..

I feel you. As a matter of fact, almost everything you wrote I can relate to 100%. Especially the part about your parents.
It allways surprises me, in a bad way, how close minded people can be. They are your parents, you'd think they cared about you. But instead they just ignore or even deny your problems and project what they want onto you.

I went to therapy for 5 years, with meh results. I had and still have the same issues you describe, so natureally I would discuss this with my therapists.
I wished I could give you an answer how to improve this. Unfortunately they didn't help me in that regard. And now we are on this forum, so that gives you an idea on how that went.
I still somewhat managed some aspects. Like I can go out into the world without any problems. I can survive human interaction without any great distress, but by no means is it easy. It's a real hassle, some days are still a challange.

Also, talking about it helps. Sometimes the past catches up with you, and these thoughts and emotions have to go somewhere. Keeping them inside is unhealthy.

Can I ask, do you still suffer from depression at the moment?

 

[FuneralCry]

That sounds really awful and tiring what you have to endure, it sounds like you've suffered so much and it must be painful dealing with so much regret. But anyway I wish you the best, to me there really does seem to be no real relief from suffering in this world.

 

[Pancake]

Can I ask, do you still suffer from depression at the moment?

I haven't been diagnosed so I don't know. I'm just a little scared of what my parents might do if they find out. I'm certainly feeling very down though, enough to be here.