DandiFynalicious
Existence is Pain
- Dec 18, 2023
- 31
My brain wants me to review all the reasons to CTB and implement one of the plans etc but years of meds (I got off them but they still did stuff to me) and therapy push back and I'm so tired of existing. I have body dysmorphia in ways that don't even apply to being a trans dude and I want to rip my skin off and I can't get ADHD sounds out of my head (focus...focus...penguin in a costume...) and it's not funny anymore!!! I'm overwhelmed and stressed and feel like screaming.
It might be good that I am unmedicated. If I were focused and organized I might actually do it. I have plans and backup plans. The CSSRS will always list me as at least moderate risk if I answer honestly. I don't have to even think about methods, all I need is prep time.
I'm one of those people who, if/when I ever CTB, it will be a surprise to most people that I was ever even seriously depressed. I'm funny and sunny and full of jokes and songs in person. In order to survive myself I've cultivated a sunny path through some dark woods.
My therapist would be so disappointed with me for being here and would advise me that I am fusing with negativity and that shit is bad for my recovery. OMFG I just need to let the darkness take me sometimes though. It is so painful but it feels like home. Sometimes I need to rest on the cold, hard, familiar ground and wrap myself in a blanket of my pain so I can take a break from the constant effort I expend just to maintain a facade of normalcy.
When lying in my sad little nest of suffering becomes more painful than the reality I face, I'll get up and drag myself through this mess. I'll be kicking and screaming the whole time until I run out of energy and wind up back here.
Right now I'm actually overstimulated and even my little dog makes me want to scream and throw stuff. She is just worried about me. Little sounds like swallowing or chewing or loud/wet breathing are super intense and triggering.
What I want is even more than to CTB. I want to unmake myself. I wish I could go back in time and give my mom an abortion. It isn't enough to simply die.
It might be good that I am unmedicated. If I were focused and organized I might actually do it. I have plans and backup plans. The CSSRS will always list me as at least moderate risk if I answer honestly. I don't have to even think about methods, all I need is prep time.
I'm one of those people who, if/when I ever CTB, it will be a surprise to most people that I was ever even seriously depressed. I'm funny and sunny and full of jokes and songs in person. In order to survive myself I've cultivated a sunny path through some dark woods.
My therapist would be so disappointed with me for being here and would advise me that I am fusing with negativity and that shit is bad for my recovery. OMFG I just need to let the darkness take me sometimes though. It is so painful but it feels like home. Sometimes I need to rest on the cold, hard, familiar ground and wrap myself in a blanket of my pain so I can take a break from the constant effort I expend just to maintain a facade of normalcy.
When lying in my sad little nest of suffering becomes more painful than the reality I face, I'll get up and drag myself through this mess. I'll be kicking and screaming the whole time until I run out of energy and wind up back here.
Right now I'm actually overstimulated and even my little dog makes me want to scream and throw stuff. She is just worried about me. Little sounds like swallowing or chewing or loud/wet breathing are super intense and triggering.
What I want is even more than to CTB. I want to unmake myself. I wish I could go back in time and give my mom an abortion. It isn't enough to simply die.
