AzraelCat
Depressed Optimist (Feel free to DM)
- Mar 31, 2024
- 4
A few years ago, I was diagnosed with a depressive disorder, and I've always been passively suicidal, with a few exceptions here and there where I've almost CBTed.
My current situation is making those mere passive suicidal thoughts and ideations become active intent, desiring and being close to attempt. I was supposed to CBT on Feb 14, but a friend stopped me.
The situation is that I've been in a 'relationship' with someone for a few months. We stopped talking a few years ago, but we recently reconnected.
I ended up falling in love with her, trauma bonding over our own experiences with suicidal thoughts. (She uses this forum and introduced it to me).
But I feel so lonely, so... unloved. I know she has been through a lot; in fact, she still is going through so much, but it just feels one-sided. There are times when we don't talk to each other for days, and when we do, it's just a very short convo.
And I found out recently, through looking at her socials, that she has a fiancé.
She told me at the start that she was into open relationships but never specified if we were going to be like that. Some time after that, she clarified that I'm not her only partner and that if I wanted to be with her, I had to accept that. But by that time, I was already too hooked, too in love for this whole thing to stop. I was, and still am, afraid of losing her.
But this fiancé thing has messed me up even more than everything else, more than her being absent for days, more than the lack of affection, more than us barely talking.
It has made me realize that despite what she has said in the past, I'm nothing. That she doesn't love me. That she doesn't care. She never shares how she feels or what she thinks; the only way for me to know is by looking at her socials. It's like she doesn't want me to be part of her life.
For both of our sakes, I begged her to block me because I can't do it myself; I just can't. But she said she couldn't, that she didn't want to. I'm so confused. I really don't know what to do. Friends have told me my relationship is abusive, with one even saying it's manipulative and that I should end it.
But I'm deeply in love. I love her so much, so so much, and I really want her to be happy, for her recovery to work. It's just that this is too painful for me and i don't want to drag her even more down. It hurts too much. I feel like i want to die. But i don't want to hurt the few who care about me. I'm so conflicted and confused.
What can I do at this point? I really don't know.
My current situation is making those mere passive suicidal thoughts and ideations become active intent, desiring and being close to attempt. I was supposed to CBT on Feb 14, but a friend stopped me.
The situation is that I've been in a 'relationship' with someone for a few months. We stopped talking a few years ago, but we recently reconnected.
I ended up falling in love with her, trauma bonding over our own experiences with suicidal thoughts. (She uses this forum and introduced it to me).
But I feel so lonely, so... unloved. I know she has been through a lot; in fact, she still is going through so much, but it just feels one-sided. There are times when we don't talk to each other for days, and when we do, it's just a very short convo.
And I found out recently, through looking at her socials, that she has a fiancé.
She told me at the start that she was into open relationships but never specified if we were going to be like that. Some time after that, she clarified that I'm not her only partner and that if I wanted to be with her, I had to accept that. But by that time, I was already too hooked, too in love for this whole thing to stop. I was, and still am, afraid of losing her.
But this fiancé thing has messed me up even more than everything else, more than her being absent for days, more than the lack of affection, more than us barely talking.
It has made me realize that despite what she has said in the past, I'm nothing. That she doesn't love me. That she doesn't care. She never shares how she feels or what she thinks; the only way for me to know is by looking at her socials. It's like she doesn't want me to be part of her life.
For both of our sakes, I begged her to block me because I can't do it myself; I just can't. But she said she couldn't, that she didn't want to. I'm so confused. I really don't know what to do. Friends have told me my relationship is abusive, with one even saying it's manipulative and that I should end it.
But I'm deeply in love. I love her so much, so so much, and I really want her to be happy, for her recovery to work. It's just that this is too painful for me and i don't want to drag her even more down. It hurts too much. I feel like i want to die. But i don't want to hurt the few who care about me. I'm so conflicted and confused.
What can I do at this point? I really don't know.