Venting venting about my relationship

[AzraelCat]

A few years ago, I was diagnosed with a depressive disorder, and I've always been passively suicidal, with a few exceptions here and there where I've almost CBTed.

My current situation is making those mere passive suicidal thoughts and ideations become active intent, desiring and being close to attempt. I was supposed to CBT on Feb 14, but a friend stopped me.

The situation is that I've been in a 'relationship' with someone for a few months. We stopped talking a few years ago, but we recently reconnected.

I ended up falling in love with her, trauma bonding over our own experiences with suicidal thoughts. (She uses this forum and introduced it to me).

But I feel so lonely, so... unloved. I know she has been through a lot; in fact, she still is going through so much, but it just feels one-sided. There are times when we don't talk to each other for days, and when we do, it's just a very short convo.

And I found out recently, through looking at her socials, that she has a fiancé.

She told me at the start that she was into open relationships but never specified if we were going to be like that. Some time after that, she clarified that I'm not her only partner and that if I wanted to be with her, I had to accept that. But by that time, I was already too hooked, too in love for this whole thing to stop. I was, and still am, afraid of losing her.

But this fiancé thing has messed me up even more than everything else, more than her being absent for days, more than the lack of affection, more than us barely talking.

It has made me realize that despite what she has said in the past, I'm nothing. That she doesn't love me. That she doesn't care. She never shares how she feels or what she thinks; the only way for me to know is by looking at her socials. It's like she doesn't want me to be part of her life.

For both of our sakes, I begged her to block me because I can't do it myself; I just can't. But she said she couldn't, that she didn't want to. I'm so confused. I really don't know what to do. Friends have told me my relationship is abusive, with one even saying it's manipulative and that I should end it.

But I'm deeply in love. I love her so much, so so much, and I really want her to be happy, for her recovery to work. It's just that this is too painful for me and i don't want to drag her even more down. It hurts too much. I feel like i want to die. But i don't want to hurt the few who care about me. I'm so conflicted and confused.

What can I do at this point? I really don't know.

 

[biasedregret]

Friend, it sounds like you have unrequited love.

I've been there too.

It sounds like she doesn't want you in her life, but isn't stating that clearly. She's stringing you along.

You should block her. Not out of anger, but out of kindness for yourself.

You deserve better for yourself. You can find someone who will reciprocate your kindness.

Just my 2 cents.

 

[ColorlessTrees]

First of all, I'm deeply sorry to hear of your situation. I've been there, in between, and it's awful. But this is manipulative, and disgusting on her part. She basically lied to you about being single, waiting until you were too invested to simply walk away.

I know how it hurts, I know how hard it is, I feel that, know that more than anyone else. But I beg you to walk away, to cut contact, and if cold turkey is too much, do it bit by bit. See how long you can go without, and how much better it will feel to cut the string dragging you along.

You mentioned a few other friends. Could you possibly rely on these people, or distract yourself with them while you're going through the pains of no contact? The scars may never fully heal, but I promise it does get better the more time and distance you can create from the situation.

My best wishes to you. It's an impossibly hard think to deal with. She does not deserve you. And you shouldn't have to be with someone who exhibits such careless behavior.

 

[AzraelCat]

Friend, it sounds like you have unrequited love.

I've been there too.

It sounds like she doesn't want you in her life, but isn't stating that clearly. She's stringing you along.

You should block her. Not out of anger, but out of kindness for yourself.

You deserve better for yourself. You can find someone who will reciprocate your kindness.

Just my 2 cents.

I followed your advice, sort of—I couldn't bring myself to block her. But I did unfriend her from my socials. I wrote her a final message expressing how, despite everything, I still love her and wish her nothing but the best. I hope her life improves and she finds success in her recovery. If she ever wants me back in her life, in her everyday, I'll be here, always.

First of all, I'm deeply sorry to hear of your situation. I've been there, in between, and it's awful. But this is manipulative, and disgusting on her part. She basically lied to you about being single, waiting until you were too invested to simply walk away.

I know how it hurts, I know how hard it is, I feel that, know that more than anyone else. But I beg you to walk away, to cut contact, and if cold turkey is too much, do it bit by bit. See how long you can go without, and how much better it will feel to cut the string dragging you along.

You mentioned a few other friends. Could you possibly rely on these people, or distract yourself with them while you're going through the pains of no contact? The scars may never fully heal, but I promise it does get better the more time and distance you can create from the situation.

My best wishes to you. It's an impossibly hard think to deal with. She does not deserve you. And you shouldn't have to be with someone who exhibits such careless behavior.

I really don't want to accept that she lied to me by not being entirely clear, she has suffered a lot and maybe just wasn't thinking right but... i don't know. It's incredibly painful because, as I mentioned earlier, despite everything that's happened, I still love her deeply, with all of my heart. She once asked me, "Why do you love me? I don't understand." But I told to her that human emotions can be quite complex and no words can fully explain what you feel. I just love her; we share struggles, we have similar interests and i always wanted to be closer to her. Her messages used to bring me immense joy. If she ignored me or didn't message me for more than a day, I would feel overwhelmed with sadness. Every time I read about her struggles, my heart ached for her. I genuinely hope she keeps fighting because her happiness means the world to me. Perhaps hoping for a 'full recovery' is too idealistic, but seeing her at least a tiny bit better would bring me immense joy.

I'll try to rely on my friends for support; I don't want to burden them with my sorry existence, but spending time with them does provide some relief and cheer.

Thank you both for your advice, I appreciate it. A lot.

 

[golta]

Maybe Its difficult for you, but you should cut contact with her. If that girl really cares about you, she wouldn't do that. Some tips I know to do that are hanging out with other friends, spend time with your family ( biological or not) and avoid socials were she is.
She has manipulate you and clearly It wont be a healthy relationship in anyway, she may go through a lot but that doesn't gives the right to be an asshole ( At least to you)
You are in love so clearly it wont be a fast thing but as my family says " El tiempo lo cura todo" ( Time heals everything) .
Of course any thing you want to do is okay, just giving advice

 

[AzraelCat]

Maybe Its difficult for you, but you should cut contact with her. If that girl really cares about you, she wouldn't do that. Some tips I know to do that are hanging out with other friends, spend time with your family ( biological or not) and avoid socials were she is.
She has manipulate you and clearly It wont be a healthy relationship in anyway, she may go through a lot but that doesn't gives the right to be an asshole ( At least to you)
You are in love so clearly it wont be a fast thing but as my family says " El tiempo lo cura todo" ( Time heals everything) .
Of course any thing you want to do is okay, just giving advice

Recien vi esto. Espero que ese dicho aplique a esto...

Thank you so much for your kind words. The healing process has been tough, but my friends being there for me has made it all a teeny bit less painful. I still cry when talking about it or when thinking about it; in fact, I'm tearing up as I write this.

My Twitter is currently under deletion and I have deleted her from my Discord friend list.

There's... there's a part for me that still wishes for her to contact me again but... ah.. i don't know.

I still love her so much, with all of my heart. It still hurts, but... i really hope things get better and it stops hurting so much.