Venting venting about my current situation

[realest1337]

hi guys, i want to vent a little about stuff that's currently happening in my life. a little been going on lately. i was thinking about ctb for last five years. but my thoughts been more active and less active depending on situation i was in. but no matter what it always stayed in my mind. surely the main reason for feeling bad rn is my situation with my gf or ex. idk what should i call it now. we still talk but it's not clear about the relationship since we've argued. and i don't really know what to do about it since she became so distant in a matter of a day. but i wanna say that it's not the only reason why it got worse and why i wanna ctb. pls don't write in replies that i shouldn't ctb because of relationship. i can't find a place for myself anywhere. i'm studying in a uni now and the first few days were good for me. even great, but for some reason after a week of studying and nothing really bad happening i lost all of my motivation going there and i'm currently skipping classes. also i got called to a narcological dispensary and rn i'm w my mom. i'm not blaming her or anything but at that point i js wanna be alone. i don't want to be rude to her saying that she should leave me for some time or shut up. i don't wanna hurt her, cause she's as sensitive as me. i'm just empty rn. even though i'm doing something with my life, for example i rejoined my music band recently and started writing lyrics and making drum parts for songs. but still, i don't feel anything from it. before, i used to have at least some fun from that, but now nothing. i'm trying to get better and think about something else, but ctb never comes out of my head. before, i used to think that it will get better sometimes but now i don't see any future and i don't feel anything hope.

i'm sorry if my text's messy and if it contains a lot of mistakes. i'm not in a good state rn and english is not my native language. hope someone replies

 

[FluffIsJustice]

It sounds like Anhedonia (not being able to enjoy things you used to enjoy). Is it okay to ask if you ever experienced something similar before?

 

[realest1337]

It sounds like Anhedonia (not being able to enjoy things you used to enjoy). Is it okay to ask if you ever experienced something similar before?

yes, it's totally fine. you can ask me anything here.

well, to be honest it's debatable. i had such periods. but i don't think it was as bad as it is now. i literally got everything i've wanted - living alone, going to uni, studying asia and used to have a loving gf. but even before my argument w her i just stopped enjoying it all. in the past i've had such periods but they influenced my daily routine. now it's influencing everything i've once thought to be my salvation

 

[FluffIsJustice]

If it was temporary before, it might be temporary this time too ... Do you think it might be worth it to try and maintain what used to be enjoyable (if possible) for a while and see if the feeling comes back again? I don't know how long these periods usually are for you ...

 

[realest1337]

If it was temporary before, it might be temporary this time too ... Do you think it might be worth it to try and maintain what used to be enjoyable (if possible) for a while and see if the feeling comes back again? I don't know how long these periods usually are for you ...

yeah, i'm trying now. got back into music and stuff. also studying. i'm trying to maintain. in my past it usually depended on what's going on in life now. but periods when i felt something good didn't last for long. but at that time i even feel worse. cause i know that i achieved what i wanted but it never made me as happy as imagined. but thanks for your advice!

 

[VictorisSAD]

You should try talking to her again, if not for the relationship, just for closure.

 

[FluffIsJustice]

If you are interested, I know someone who does youtube and who also struggles with similar issues with Anhedonia (he makes videos about it). If you are interested in checking it out, I could link the channel. I personally don't really know all that much about it as my Anhedonia isnt temporary and sort of chosen / willing, which probably sounds weird to you (but it is the only way for me to remain functional)