alivefornow
thinking about it
- Feb 6, 2023
- 193
My life could end now and I would be fine with it. But it keeps going, pointless as it is, day after day, just struggling to appear normal and well when in fact I hide my suicidality to prevent being committed to a psych ward again.
I'd trade places with people who die wanting to live in a second. Why can't it be me, ran over by a car, accidentally shot, terminally ill? I have to endure a life of perpetual depression and I don't even know why.
There's no joy or happiness left for me, I can't recall feeling good about myself, I don't remember how it feels. I'm done. My depression is an inescapable hole and I feel forced to live by fear of hurting others by ctb'ing. It's just sadness, sadness, sad, sad, sad, sad, always sad.
If only people understood this feeling never really goes away, I just learned to pretend, to ignore it to the best of my ability when I have to function.
Oh how perfect it would be if I could just say my goodbyes and be given a lethal injection to die peacefully.
Hold my breath as I wish for death, oh please God take me.
I'd trade places with people who die wanting to live in a second. Why can't it be me, ran over by a car, accidentally shot, terminally ill? I have to endure a life of perpetual depression and I don't even know why.
There's no joy or happiness left for me, I can't recall feeling good about myself, I don't remember how it feels. I'm done. My depression is an inescapable hole and I feel forced to live by fear of hurting others by ctb'ing. It's just sadness, sadness, sad, sad, sad, sad, always sad.
If only people understood this feeling never really goes away, I just learned to pretend, to ignore it to the best of my ability when I have to function.
Oh how perfect it would be if I could just say my goodbyes and be given a lethal injection to die peacefully.
Hold my breath as I wish for death, oh please God take me.
