Venting vent

[⋆♡⋆ riri ⋆♡⋆]

genuinely how do people stop feeling suicidal because i think about killing myself like every day. but not in a serious way i think, it's usually just me thinking like, "this is so hard, if i were dead i wouldn't have to worry about this," or just something along those lines. i keep thinking everything's too hard and i should just kill myself because that's like the easiest thing to do and i don't want to keep doing hard things because i'm incredibly lazy and i have no motivation to do anything. well no that's not true i have motivation to work because i want to move out and get my own house but i think about how long that'll take and i'm like "yeah i think i'd rather kill myself" because i don't want to keep working a minimum wage job it's gonna take forever to pay off my student loans and i failed out of college so i basically have nothing going for me and it wouldn't be a major loss if i died. it would have zero lasting impact on anyone so i don't see the point in living sometimes. i don't even have a true "end goal" it's just "move out and be financially independent" and it ends there. i have no life goals, i don't know what i want to do because i don't want to do anything right now. i feel like i'm just roleplaying as a human, if that makes sense. i'm just doing what i think i should be doing. i went to college immediately after high school because i thought that's what everyone did and my that's what my peers were doing and i would have felt like a loser for not going. so i went but i had no motivation to actually pursue my degree so naturally i ended up failing out because college isn't really for lukewarm people i guess. then i got a job because i had student loans. and now i'm trying to pay them off. and i want to move out before i'm 20 because i'll feel like a leech and a failure of a person for living with my parents for so long ESPECIALLY after i failed college like how lame can one person get. but now that i'm looking at things i'm like yeah there's no fucking way i'm moving out before i'm 20, not with part time jobs. but i can't get hired anywhere with decent pay either because i don't have a degree so i'm like "okay my current part time job doesn't give good hours" and then i got a second so now i have two jobs and i'll get 40+ hours a week by the time i'm done training but i already feel so drained and i think it'd be better if i killed myself i don't want to keep working until i'm 60 70 80 whatever i can't wait that long to retire and i can't be stuck doing nothing my entire life it feels so pointless i don't see a reason to keep doing anything and it's getting worse because somedays i literally don't even get out of bed and i wish i'd just die in my sleep. sometimes i go on drives and i used to go out of state on day trips to nowhere in specific i'd just drive all day and come home when i was supposedly supposed to be getting out of class or work because by the second semester i just didn't go to class anymore and spent my days driving around and when i got suspended at my first job for being late i went to new york i just do random stuff for no reason i started self harming and sometimes i overdose on whatever just for something to happen i don't know i just want something to happen nothing ever happens i want to feel something else sometimes but i don't know how to feel good and feeling bad is the only way i can comfort myself because it's so easy feeling good is too hard for me. i don't like feeling good sometimes because i know it'll end but feeling bad is a constant and since i'm not a fan of big changes sometimes i think "this is okay" and i'm content with not doing anything. sometimes i don't think about things like "the future" and wonder how much money i'll have by the end of the week, i don't even remember i have bills or think about anything pressing, i just live day to day and i feel content i guess. not good or bad, i just exist. i enjoy moments like those because it's like i'm not even alive, i don't feel anything i don't think about anything big and i don't worry. but then i come back and i start thinking again and i get sad and feel hopeless and then i do something bad as a distraction or just to do it. i don't really have a reason for self harming, when people ask why i do it i never have an answer. a lot of the time i don't even feel sad or bad when i do it, i'm just doing it just because. sometimes it's like a hobby or a pastime or something, i really don't think it's a big deal. i see the scars it leaves and i know they'll last but i like seeing the blood i don't really care about the long term consequences because they're not even "consequences" if nobody will see them which means nobody will reprimand me which means it doesn't exist if i'm the only one that knows about it but that's irrelevant right now. whenever i talk about feeling hopeless or wanting to kill myself around my family i get nothing back. they tell me to pray or something unhelpful. my mother looks at me like i'm the most annoying thing in the world whenever i say i want to kill myself. there's such disdain in her eyes, i know what i'm saying doesn't matter to her and sometimes i want to kill myself just to spite her. she won't believe me unless i die but i don't really want to die i think i don't know i'm scared of doing it myself so i just hope every day i'll get into an accident or sometimes i overdose and convince myself "it's not even that bad" so if i do end up dying it'll be an "accident" because i didn't "intend" to kill myself. i don't even know what i expect from them when i say those things. i think it's probably a "cry for help" or something. i just want to see that they care sometimes. i want tangible, clear proof that i'll never get because something like that is impossible. i have this idea in my head that nobody ever cares about anything unless something bad happens. nobody will ever care about me until something bad happens. i know i have family and we even celebrated my birthday together two weeks ago so i have no reason to be feeling this way but i do and i think nobody will give a fuck about me or what happens to me unless it's a bad thing. i want people to see me and notice me and care but they won't so i do something drastic to get their attention and yeah i have to pick up the pieces later but at least i existed for a while. recently i deleted my discord server and wiped my socials after posting about hating all of my followers and i know that's a mean thing to say but i don't feel bad and i don't care how it made them feel because i know they don't give a damn about me and i just want someone to care but all i get is lukewarm responses aaallll the time it's so annoying i get so irritated with people they never give me anything different there's nothing good it's always the same "no don't, we care, do you want to talk?" crap. i know they don't actually care and "talking" is just going to make me vulnerable to people i don't even like. this is why i can never really like someone in a romantic sense because i don't trust anyone and i'm always convinced if i died it wouldn't matter because it seriously wouldn't. i always think, "people die all the time, they'll get over it, grieving only lasts so long" and even if it lasts the rest of their lifetime do i care? no i don't because if i were dead i wouldn't even be around to be concerned for them it wouldn't matter so thinking about something i wouldn't experience is useless and how they feel won't be my problem after i'm dead. i'm just attention seeking again, i said "bye" to everyone on twitter and logged out of the app. i want to post like everything's normal but people won't take me seriously again. they never take me seriously. i won't do anything for a year and if i'm still alive i'll just go back to normal and post like usual because nothing of significance will happen in a year. i don't know this is all so convoluted nothing makes sense i just want to hurt people i want a reaction i want them to see me and hear me i want them to know and understand me but i can't even do that for myself and it makes me so angry when people don't get me or when they don't act like how i want them to or they go off and spend their time with someone else it pisses me off so bad and i blow up on the people closest to me because i want to blame them for everything and i want to hurt them while also pushing them away because i think it'll protect them in the long run, like it's better to destroy our connection now before they get too attached and then i'll actually have to worry about them and it'll get tiring. i hate high maintenance things, high maintenance people. they're so annoying. i don't like anyone acting like they're entitled to me, like they deserve my attention. what about what **I** want??? what i want doesn't matter and that makes me angry so i take it out on them and hurt them and i feel good when they're hurt because they didn't do what i wanted and they deserve to feel bad. but then i rationalize it and explain but i know i'm just being manipulative and i let everything go back to normal and we're "friends" again until they make me upset and then it's their fault and i'll ghost them for a while until they feel bad and then i'll come back and then they'll appreciate me and learn not to do that thing again. but if it's the same thing over and over i get tired and just forget about them or completely cut them off because they just suck they have no purpose if they don't make me feel good or happy if i don't cherish my time with them if they don't bring new experiences if they don't pay attention to me if they don't devote at least SOME part of themselves to me i don't want it i don't care about them and i want to hurt them and i want them to feel bad for valuing me so little. sometimes i think i want to kill people or maybe torture them because killing them is an easy way out i want to make them suffer but realistically i'm not going to do that because i'm not insane and i don't even know the first thing about murder and it seems too tedious and again i'm not that demented so i would never do that. i just want to push them to the ground and i want them to stay there, i want to bury them alive and make them watch everything good in the world without being able to experience it. i don't know how this turned into a tangent about wanting to hurt people but whatever. i know i can't hurt people either which is probably why i just hurt myself. i direct all my anger back at myself because I'M the only person i can hurt and i'm the only person i'm allowed to do that to. whenever i'm upset at someone it just comes back to me, it's my fault, i'm in the wrong, i'm being unreasonable, i'm not being fair, it's me. i'm the problem. it's always me. nobody is ever at fault, they can't be, they did nothing wrong, i shouldn't be hurting anyone. that's why i distance myself from people because i know i'm not a rational person so instead of having to rationalize my guilt i just avoid situations that will make me question myself, unless i'm 100% convinced i'm not wrong. i wish i had a clone so i could kill someone and myself at the same time. i think it would be fun to watch myself die, to take my own life while getting the satisfaction of having killed someone else. if that's even satisfying, i wouldnt know, nor will i ever. but i think physically taking my anger out on someone would be enjoyable for a time until i start feeling wrong again. i don't even know what i'm doing with this i'm just dumping. someone might tell me my feelings are valid or something i've heard a billion times and i'll say "yeah wow that's great you're right thanks for making me feel better" and i'll forget about this until i feel bad enough to make another one again and it'll be the same thing. it's always the same. i hate this. i'm so annoyed. i'm gonna cut now.
i'm on my period now too so i'm just gonna minimize everything i said and chalk it up to "girl hormones making me unstable because i am a stupid irrational girl and girls are dumb and i'm dumb and i don't make sense and i will never make sense."
i annoy myself sometimes. no a lot. i'm so tired of myself. there should be a death penalty for being this annoying. shut up.