Venting vent

[kimikatachibana]

it's been a long time since i've posted on here, i'm still alive unfortunately
since me and my bf we broke up we got back together eventually and everything went really good for a while then things took a turn
we kept breaking up and getting back together and 2 days ago we ended it once for all, all because of me. i made really stupid mistakes during our relationship and now he hates me.
i feel so hopeless again, i feel like i'm returning to my old self and i'm probably gonna attempt soon when we stop talking. i've been begging him for hours and hours everyday for a chance to fix everything, i've tried everything. i wanted to give my body for him, sell myself to him and i'm even thinking about showing up at his door even though he lives 3 hours away just to beg him more, i tried saying the most sickest stuff ever but nothing is working. he was the light of my life, the one that helped me the most when i was at my lowest, helped me overcome my sexual trauma and alcohol addiction, we were supposed to be together forever and happy but i ruined it all by being stupid. i don't know what to do, i promised him i'll love him forever and really it's the truth cause he's the only one for my heart even though after this he will move on with his life and i'll stay lost in place here. i'm gonna attempt ctb after we cut contact cause now he's the only one keeping me sane even though it's just me begging and he's ignoring me.

 

[m4rius]

That sounds excruciatingly painful.

I can relate wanting to try and get things to work again but once the damage is done and your partner was already grieving during the relationship, it's usually irreversible. They start growing distant towards you, sometimes openly, sometimes only inwardly and then it hits you like a train - a surprise breakup.

The feeling as though your partner was perfect in every aspect is at least for me, a mere sign of desperation on my end. An illusion. Maybe you can relate with that desperation. I used to think of past memories with rose-tinted glasses, in reality the relationship I had was only formed out of desperation from both parties.

I know this is advice in a vent thread, but I hope it can be of use:
If loneliness is something that's killing you. Please keep trying self-improvement, whether it'd be physically or mentally. Make friends you relate to emotionally, online and IRL. Use your past relationships as learning experiences too. It's the only thing we can do anyway, no turning back...

 

[Jezzibell]

When a relationship ends, and it's not by us, you only remember the good and your own part, and do not acknowledge the bad and how it made you feel.

I agree withe poster above. At this stage it is irreversible. Best to move on and not spend your life in hope. You will meet another better suited partner. xx