iamalreadydead
Student
- Nov 25, 2022
- 139
disgusted with myself and body and my disgusting repulsive behavior and mannerisms and the way i act and look, still have at least a little bit of a sense of self-preservation that the abuse and borderline retarded people in my life still disgusts me as well, so these people closest to me bother me equally. Had someone who didnt bother me as much but my disgusting body and habits drove them away and now I'll probably never speak to him again, the breakup was really horrible for me and im still reeling since im now back where i was before. But it doesnt really hold a light to the agony i was in as a kid, not because it wasn't traumatic but because i dont have the brain to interpret the situation the way i used to be able to before brain damage from drug abuse and a suicide attempt. Back when i was a kid i was filled with an inescapable emptiness and constantly deal with this weird hole in my stomach that always wants to "go home" even if i am home. Just a fucking debilitating constant homesickness, emptiness and yearning. Extremely bad social anxiety that was punished instead of treated. Everyones so stupid. Everything isnt fair. I was put on this world and rejected from day fucking one. Grew up with no friends because i was a fucking freak, bullied and shit, coped inappropriately with the rejection and im still suffering for reasons that are now completely by my own design. but now at least i know inherently that i shouldn't get attached to people or care that much about them, because every relationship is transactional. You are genuinely worthless if you offer nothing. Even severely disabled people like people who have severe autism or some other disability that makes them unable to live on their own and require constant supervision to live have more value than someone who's got an invisible illness and mentally ill. But you know, i dont really care now. I want to punish everyone else for forcing me to live and then get mad and violent when i cant/dont want to play by their retarded ass rules. Fuck you
No money, stuck living with abusive and egregiously dumb parents, dont have the motivation/drive to change my circumstances because i dont have the wiring in my head that rewards me to do anything at all because of chronic anhedonia. get catatonic most days because of HPPD and the severe derealization i have, anxiety and shit, PTSD from being abused and from homelessness. PTSD im assuming is the reason i get intense fear episodes, get cold and terrified of things that arent even remotely scary randomly in the day. Still grieving that relationship i ruined. Still empty and neurotic and brain damaged from being clinically depressed since i was like, shit idk, since like third fucking grade. My autonomy has been taken and raped and stolen from me before i was even able to fucking conceptualize it. The only thing that motivated me these days is the idea of punishing these fucking idiots for everything they've done to me
No money, stuck living with abusive and egregiously dumb parents, dont have the motivation/drive to change my circumstances because i dont have the wiring in my head that rewards me to do anything at all because of chronic anhedonia. get catatonic most days because of HPPD and the severe derealization i have, anxiety and shit, PTSD from being abused and from homelessness. PTSD im assuming is the reason i get intense fear episodes, get cold and terrified of things that arent even remotely scary randomly in the day. Still grieving that relationship i ruined. Still empty and neurotic and brain damaged from being clinically depressed since i was like, shit idk, since like third fucking grade. My autonomy has been taken and raped and stolen from me before i was even able to fucking conceptualize it. The only thing that motivated me these days is the idea of punishing these fucking idiots for everything they've done to me
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