Vent number whatever

[calloftheabyss]

The only common denominator for all the shit in my life is me. The common denominator for all the good in my life is someone else's interventions. Seems pretty obvious what happens when I'm left to my own devices. Probably why I've spent most of the last few days in bed, with only a couple hours of sleep to show for jt, survived off nothing but half a bag of chips and some water, and cuddled a handgun most nights. I can't find it anymore, whatever it was I kept holding on for. There's no hope here, no peace, only dissonance, depression, and rage. There's no hope for me to figure things out, for me to turn things around. No hope of being loved, I'm too damaged to be any good for anyone. No hope of anything, really. Even the good things in life have stopped mattering. I should be proud of what I've accomplished, where I'm going. I'm not. In fact, I hate it, and I hate myself for thinking for just a moment I deserve them. I wish I could finally pull the trigger. No hope. I wish I were normal, and could just be with the girl I loved again. No hope. I wish I could just close my eyes and actually sleep. No hope. Maybe I'll finally break. No hope.

 

[cosmic_traveler]

The only common denominator for all the shit in my life is me. The common denominator for all the good in my life is someone else's interventions. Seems pretty obvious what happens when I'm left to my own devices. Probably why I've spent most of the last few days in bed, with only a couple hours of sleep to show for jt, survived off nothing but half a bag of chips and some water, and cuddled a handgun most nights. I can't find it anymore, whatever it was I kept holding on for. There's no hope here, no peace, only dissonance, depression, and rage. There's no hope for me to figure things out, for me to turn things around. No hope of being loved, I'm too damaged to be any good for anyone. No hope of anything, really. Even the good things in life have stopped mattering. I should be proud of what I've accomplished, where I'm going. I'm not. In fact, I hate it, and I hate myself for thinking for just a moment I deserve them. I wish I could finally pull the trigger. No hope. I wish I were normal, and could just be with the girl I loved again. No hope. I wish I could just close my eyes and actually sleep. No hope. Maybe I'll finally break. No hope.

I'm sorry you're in so much pain. We've been there before, during COVID I didn't have to look for a job and laid in bed for 10 days barely drinking water. We wanted to starve to death. This world just feels really fucking unfair sometimes. And when the some-times become all the time, everything just feels hopeless.

Big hugs. We wish you peace. Be well on your journey.