Venting using obsessions to cope

[cryvinglightning]

ever since i was a kid i've been unable to get through life without obsessing over something. it can be anything from a boyband to a music genre to an anime or cartoon, and more recently it's been people.

i don't get "crushes" in the traditional sense. i get hyperfixations. for months i'm only capable of thinking about one person in a way that destroys me. i overanalyze everything that is said to me, i get jealous to the point of self harm over the smallest things and i never end up getting what i want because on a fundamental level i love like a dog: sloppily, obsessively and loyal to the point of getting stepped on. i let the people i obsess over use me and play me because it's free attention and it distracts me from how miserable my life is.

it's the same with pieces of media, but a piece of media won't treat you poorly like a person would. people understand when they can gain something from someone, and in my case they can gain entertainment until they can replace me in some way. and the worst thing is that i'm perfectly aware of this. i know it's wrong. i know it's a way of hurting myself, i know it's not a good distraction, and yet i can't stop. it's all i know how to do and i feel so ridiculous for even trying to live like a normal person.

 

[R_N]

I can relate but some things changed for me. Like I stopped obsessing with people long time ago.

Being obsessed with some video games and immersing myself in story etc was fun but when it ends it always left me empty. And then nothing really compares for a while so I just reminiscence.

 

[cryvinglightning]

I can relate but some things changed for me. Like I stopped obsessing with people long time ago.

Being obsessed with some video games and immersing myself in story etc was fun but when it ends it always left me empty. And then nothing really compares for a while so I just reminiscence.

the emptiness after is just the worst. i feel even more stupid when it hits.

 

[WAITING TO DIE]

Same.
I'm depressed and bipolar 1. I overthink, over. - analyse and obsess and I hate myself for it.
I've been this way since childhood and I just can't change my thinking patterns.
It's as though I've been pre - programmed think this way.

 

[R_N]

the emptiness after is just the worst. i feel even more stupid when it hits.

Yeah but the high I got when I binged some games was great for me.

And it beats heartbreak I had from being attached to people.


Like you said hobbies are more controllable at least even tho emptiness and boredom does suck when it happens. And you never know how long will it it take for you to find the new obsession. I am kinda in that phase for a while now. I need something to take me over again so bad.

 

[cryvinglightning]

Same.
I'm depressed and bipolar 1. I overthink, over. - analyse and obsess and I hate myself for it.
I've been this way since childhood and I just can't change my thinking patterns.
It's as though I've been pre - programmed think this way.

it's like you're wired wrong. like they put your cables in the wrong spots.

 

[WAITING TO DIE]

it's like you're wired wrong. like they put your cables in the wrong spots.

Yeah, that's a good way of putting it. It's as though the brain is wired up wrong and therefore malfunctioning.
Fuck my brain, I hate it.