Story A porn addict's outpouring.

[Eternal Slave]

Hey, this is my first post on the forum; I'm not quite sure how to write this vent, but here goes.
I've been trapped in this addiction for about nine years. I reached the point of consuming increasingly horrific content, which fills me with extreme guilt; I've done terrible things just to get that momentary satisfaction. The worst part is the obsessive thoughts that make me doubt my sexuality or question whether I did something with the intention of hurting someone. I don't know who I am anymore; it's as if everything I believed myself to be was a lie—as if I were just an empty shell. I'm afraid I've become a sexual deviant; all these doubts cause me immense suffering. Reaching this level of addiction is horrible because, in the end, you're the one who ends up completely destroyed. I'm thinking about killing myself; I don't see how I could bear living a whole life knowing the terrible things I've done and fearing that I'm a monster or a danger to others. Unfortunately, there are few days when I feel "okay"—days when I can think more clearly and realize that I haven't actually become a sexual deviant—but they last a day or two at most before I spiral into a crisis again. It's horrible; I'd rather die than go through these crises forever.

 

[sulkygirl]

I can relate to some extent. I've been increasingly addicted to audios where the listener (me) gets violated by another woman. It scares me immensely that I would ever want to struggle powerless to do anything but cry.

But I know that I probably wouldn't want that if it happened irl. Just like I'm certain you wouldn't act on anything and become a danger to others. But I understand the fear.

 

[orangecrush]

sexual intrusive thoughts and obsessions are some of the worst because it feels like youre losing control of your body. it is a type of hell that i wouldn't wish on anybody. i'm sorry you're experiencing this it really isn't fair. the worst part is that you can't really talk about it to anyone bc they would probably judge you hard.
ive been having similar fears, my brain plays images of myself being degraded by men on loop and i can't stop it and this has been going on for years. ive become so weathered down by it that i can't tell what my sexuality is. if this is torture or if my brain is trying to tell me this is really what i want. either way it's horrible.
my body can get stuck in loops of forcing arousal and then crashing because of guilt that can last hours even days at its worst and it's so isolating. all i can do is just lock myself away because i feel like im a danger. and this has been one of the biggest things that has contributed to my desire to end it.
anyways all this to say i feel you. maybe look into an ocd diagnosis if you think that would help. the sort of ego dissonance you're describing hits close to home.

 

[monkeyfff]

I am also heavily addicted to porn and I might not specifically understand your situation but I feel it. It's like a curse. It's something that just can't be dealt with without some crazy intervention like killing libido/sex drive, physical or chemical castration or someone restricting and watching your internet usage or even worse your life. I haven't gone as hollow as you, but I am scared of it getting to that point where guilt eats you alive. I hope you find your solution. Not the solution but yours as it's different for each one of us. But we are truly cursed.

 

[interna]

i can relate as someone who's a sexual deviant. although im not someone to typically indulge in sexual activity as ive got a lack of libido thanks to depression, it does feel really horrible and nasty to just be this way. i wouldn't hurt a fly, but it scares me that i even have these thoughts and preferences in the first place, and it leaves me wondering whether im a good person or not. i didn't ask for this at all and i wish i was normal, but in cases like these you face scrutiny even in therapy. it really feels like the worlds better off without people like me in it, even when i myself am repulsed by my own mind.

the immense shame and disgust you feel at yourself, your body, your actions, lack of control, fearing you're gonna hurt others, etc. i can relate to, as well. it's also one of my reasons to ctb. it's nice to know im not alone at least. im really sorry you're dealing with this

 

[purebliss]

I absolutely concur with you on this one.

I am a sub/maso type of guy and had a terrible porn addiction phase as well.
The stuff you watch just to "get off" is absolutely insane. The stuff you watched yesterday is no longer good enough the next day. It always has to be more and more and more.
Then when you climax you look at your phone and nearly puke at what the fuck you just watched. It pulls you down, kills your self worth and makes you think about how broken you are.
It also causes you to no longer appreciate real life sex. Had days where I could not even get it up anymore. Erectile dysfunction is not fun...

But it is not irrevocably over just yet.
You can try to taper off your consumption over time. Always keep in mind how disgusting you feel after the act and use that as an active deterrent. If possible try to find a real Partner. Someone you actually adore and like. And on the more unconventional side: Drugs. Ketamine in moderation would be my suggestion.
Just never(!) use a stimulant as that will make you even more willing to consume such content. There are a lot of reports of people that turned gay while on meth/cocaine as well. It is an interesting phenomenon but nothing you want when you want to get rid of sexual desires.

Its not over if its just porn addiction! There is a way out for this one if it is not a symptom of a way deeper problem

 

[sadbh—itstimetogo🤎]

Heya, I'm sorry you're dealing with this.

I don't relate exactly, but I am worried that I could do bad things in the future, and that's one reason I want to kill myself.

 

[Eternal Slave]

Também sou fortemente viciado em pornografia e posse não entender especificamente a sua situação, mas sinto isso. É como uma maldição. É algo que simplesmente não pode ser resolvido sem alguma intervenção maluca, como acabar com a libido/desejo sexual, castração física ou química ou alimento restringindo e monitorando seu uso da internet ou, pior ainda, sua vida. Não fico tão vazio quanto você, mas tenho que comprar um ponto em que a culpa te devore vivo. Espero que você encontre sua solução. Não é uma solução, mas a sua, pois é diferente para cada um de nós. Mas estamos verdejamente amaldiçoados.

Concordo plenamente com você nisso.

Sou um cara do tipo sub/maso e também tive uma fase terrível de vício em pornografia.
As coisas que você assiste só para "sair" são absolutamente insanas. As coisas que você assistiu ontem não são mais boas o suficiente no dia seguinte. Tem que ser sempre mais e mais e mais.
Então, quando você chega ao clímax, você olha para o seu celular e quase vomita ao ver o que diabos você acabou de assistir. Isso te puxa para baixo, mata sua autoestima e faz você pensar em como você está quebrado.
Isso também faz com que você não aprecie mais o sexo na vida real. Tive dias em que não conseguia mais levantar. Disfunção erétil não é divertida...

Mas ainda não acabou irrevogavelmente.
Você pode tentar reduzir seu consumo ao longo do tempo. Tenha sempre em mente o quão nojento você se sente depois do ato e use isso como um impedimento ativo. Se possível, tente encontrar um Parceiro real. Alguém que você realmente adora e gosta. E no lado menos convencional: Drogas. Cetamina com moderação seria minha sugestão.
Simplesmente nunca(!) use um estimulante, pois isso o deixará ainda mais disposto a consumir esse tipo de conteúdo.

Não acabou se for apenas vício em pornografia! Existe uma saída para isso se não for um sintoma de um problema muito mais profundo

Uma das partes mais difíceis é me livrar da culpa pelas coisas terríveis que fiz por puro prazer; isso me faz questionar se mereço perdão —ou se ainda tenho alguma chance nesta vida. (Eu não machuquei ninguém, mas as coisas que fiz ainda me fazem questionar minha ética —mesmo que eu nunca tivesse feito tais coisas se não fosse um viciado.)

 

[purebliss]

Uma das partes mais difíceis é me livrar da culpa pelas coisas terríveis que fiz por puro prazer; isso me faz questionar se mereço perdão —ou se ainda tenho alguma chance nesta vida. (Eu não machuquei ninguém, mas as coisas que fiz ainda me fazem questionar minha ética —mesmo que eu nunca tivesse feito tais coisas se não fosse um viciado.)

That is exactly the difference.
Acting on something and just "thinking" about it are two very, very distinct things.

For example: A pedophile.
I would never condemn a pedophile that has NOT acted on their urges. They can not in any way control it and did not choose to be attracted to kids. If they never act on it and actively try to get help and maybe even a chemical castration I would be the last one to condemn them.
This is obviously an extreme example but it was just so show that even those type of people deserve forgiveness as long as they never act on it.

You can not control what you like
But you can control on what you do ^^
If yoh already feel that you maybe want to do this to someone else THEN you should definitely seek help for that as well.
It will not dissipate on its own and there are meds that can help massively with that.
It would be a shame to CTB just because of porn addiction if everything else in your life works well

 

[Stargazer100]

I had a crazy high libido till around 28 / 29 (a few years ago) and then it just went way down. I rarely watch porn now and when zi do it's because I want to try if I can feel like I used to. The answer is no. So my message: It will pass. Maybe alcohol or maybe age but your kibido and porn addiction will likely die long before you do.

Do you keep files or urls? than put those in a container or seperate drive or something, so that you can put it away. At some point you know you have it but the tiny effort of plugging it in or unpacking the container file becomes not worth it anymore and than it stops.

Hope thst helps, I know it might not but maybe it does.

 

[Neosisyphean]

I know how it feels, and I'm a lot like you. I've been trying to quit this addiction for about three years, and I always end up falling back into the same place, but I'm still trying. I think you can do it too. Even though we've done wrong things, the first step isn't to condemn ourselves. It's to recognize that we made mistakes and that we can change. That's the first step: acknowledging where we went wrong.

 

[sacrilegeofsouls]

Hey, this is my first post on the forum; I'm not quite sure how to write this vent, but here goes.
I've been trapped in this addiction for about nine years. I reached the point of consuming increasingly horrific content, which fills me with extreme guilt; I've done terrible things just to get that momentary satisfaction. The worst part is the obsessive thoughts that make me doubt my sexuality or question whether I did something with the intention of hurting someone. I don't know who I am anymore; it's as if everything I believed myself to be was a lie—as if I were just an empty shell. I'm afraid I've become a sexual deviant; all these doubts cause me immense suffering. Reaching this level of addiction is horrible because, in the end, you're the one who ends up completely destroyed. I'm thinking about killing myself; I don't see how I could bear living a whole life knowing the terrible things I've done and fearing that I'm a monster or a danger to others. Unfortunately, there are few days when I feel "okay"—days when I can think more clearly and realize that I haven't actually become a sexual deviant—but they last a day or two at most before I spiral into a crisis again. It's horrible; I'd rather die than go through these crises forever.

You don't know how much this post made me feel. I have the exact same issue very terrible ocd I have terrible thoughts regarding my sexuality and then I try to test if I'm really like that by thinking about said terrible thing and checking my erection to see if it's soft or not or trying to scan my mind to see if I secretly feel some sort of pleasure from these horrible fantasies that my brain tries to accuse me of liking. But the problem is the more I do this the more depressed and distressed I become and to cope with these bad feelings I again end up using porn and then that only makes the feelings worse makes me feel like I've betrayed my values and morals and that I'm nothing but an impostor that is posing with the values I hold dearly or that I'm in denial of my disgusting nature. But there is a solution well not an easy one but I was able to suppress these distressing thoughts for prolonged periods of time with enough effort and will. weeks at max but due to outside circumstances in life I always tend to spiral back but anyway. Exposure and response works very well the gist of it being you will be accused by your thoughts but you must not say anything in return or try to
Debunk or disprove them. This is done in levels I'm sure you have obsessive thoughts about other topics too not just your sexuality just look up how to do erp with enough effort you can see some improvements. Nothing to lose anyways right?

 

[No-name]

When I think of morality, I always use the anology of Plato
Plato compares the human soul to a charioteer driving a carriage pulled by two winged horses. The charioteer is Reason. The white horse is Spirit (honor and courage). The black horse is Appetite (physical desires and impulses). True wisdom means training these forces to work together.

If your committed to doing something to yourself, or being perverted by impulses and you dont harm yourself or others. It isnt like a terrible thing as long as it is in fantasy. (you have a black horse) But when you cant control the black horse, then that is a big problem. On the other hand you got to please the black and the white horse, they work together. And keeping them under control might turn your hands bloody. That is what gives us character in the end. Controlling you desires is a virtue, you can' t control what you want, but you can control how we act it out. There are more noble things in life then completly acting out the black horse and damaging someone in the proces and there are other ways to express these urges. If you are in the danger zone, seek help before you hurt someone else. You might have bad impuls control.
I am a pervert anyways, but I would never hurt someone in the proces. I have been tested in my work and passed.

 

[caotic_realm]

For me, it's a way of satisfying a need—whether romantic or sexual—that I've never fulfilled with a real person; consequently, I sometimes end up watching videos for hours or until the early morning, searching for the perfect pose, the perfect scene, and the women I find most attractive.
All this is partly because I never really had a romantic relationship; I was often rejected by women (I don't blame them), but a lack of friendships also contributed to this—the loneliness. For me, pornography is a source of comfort—like gorging on junk food, yet also like a drug—because when I'm feeling down, watching it brings some relief. It makes me feel miserable, yes, but the arousal and the fantasy of actually being there serve as a way to channel the pain of loneliness.

To top it all off, I've become addicted to hentai—which, for those who don't know, is basically sexually explicit animation. It's crazy, because ten years ago I never would have imagined that an animation or a drawing of an anime girl would turn me on more than a real woman... I'm messed up too, and sometimes I'd rather die than keep watching—mostly—porn featuring real people, since hentai makes me feel less guilty.

 

[monkeyfff]

For me, it's a way of satisfying a need—whether romantic or sexual—that I've never fulfilled with a real person; consequently, I sometimes end up watching videos for hours or until the early morning, searching for the perfect pose, the perfect scene, and the women I find most attractive.
All this is partly because I never really had a romantic relationship; I was often rejected by women (I don't blame them), but a lack of friendships also contributed to this—the loneliness. For me, pornography is a source of comfort—like gorging on junk food, yet also like a drug—because when I'm feeling down, watching it brings some relief. It makes me feel miserable, yes, but the arousal and the fantasy of actually being there serve as a way to channel the pain of loneliness.

To top it all off, I've become addicted to hentai—which, for those who don't know, is basically sexually explicit animation. It's crazy, because ten years ago I never would have imagined that an animation or a drawing of an anime girl would turn me on more than a real woman... I'm messed up too, and sometimes I'd rather die than keep watching—mostly—porn featuring real people, since hentai makes me feel less guilty.

The most damning thing about this addiction is that it's the only thing that consistently gives you any semblance of pleasure, happiness and contentedness. It's the only thing I actually like. You could say that it says a lot about the world when a human can find more positivity in something so sinister and destructive as this.

I am in the same position as you. Unseen yet judged and the problem is this is an energy, like you said, that needs to be channeled. If not porn, it will be AI, if not AI it will be sex dolls (or in the near future androids) if not those things maybe extreme things like hard drugs and if it's channeled in anger or frustration hurting others or yourself. Who knows, but when the curse is tied to your circumstances, genetics, environment and society it feels inescapable.

Hopefully you find peace with your copes and remember there will always be a solution, even if it is final...