Venting ups and downs (hope)

[iamthepassenger]

(apologies for my English, it's my third language)

I think what annoys me the most these days is not only the depression itself but also the feeling of hope that resurfaces from time to time. I can go from highly suicidal and ready to ctb to feeling like I can still change my life, I can be better, I can be everything I've ever wanted to be. this feeling (the hopeful one) doesn't last long and it only makes next moments of despair and agony even more painful. I feel like I'd ctb much earlier if there wasn't this very human feeling alive in me.
I've attempted to ctb once, years ago, it was spontaneous decision (meaning I didn't prepare for it beforehand) and every day I wake up and regret that I've survived that attempt. because no matter how much hope I have, death has always been my dream, my goal and thoughts of death never never truly escape my mind, they're always there, inside of me, with me. hope will never bring me peace while this desire to die is alive in me. and since its been with me for 15 years, I doubt it'll ever go away.
what I'm trying to say is, this feeling of hope is getting smaller each year but it's still alive. and I'm waiting for it to die out completely. and then I'll die with it.

 

[hop33xit]

(apologies for my English, it's my third language)

I think what annoys me the most these days is not only the depression itself but also the feeling of hope that resurfaces from time to time. I can go from highly suicidal and ready to ctb to feeling like I can still change my life, I can be better, I can be everything I've ever wanted to be. this feeling (the hopeful one) doesn't last long and it only makes next moments of despair and agony even more painful. I feel like I'd ctb much earlier if there wasn't this very human feeling alive in me.
I've attempted to ctb once, years ago, it was spontaneous decision (meaning I didn't prepare for it beforehand) and every day I wake up and regret that I've survived that attempt. because no matter how much hope I have, death has always been my dream, my goal and thoughts of death never never truly escape my mind, they're always there, inside of me, with me. hope will never bring me peace while this desire to die is alive in me. and since its been with me for 15 years, I doubt it'll ever go away.
what I'm trying to say is, this feeling of hope is getting smaller each year but it's still alive. and I'm waiting for it to die out completely. and then I'll die with it.

wow, this feels so similar to what I'm going through right now.
i almost quit my job too, though the surges of hope have completely faded for me, and now I'm preparing myself :)
by the way, I also share some of the regrets you mentioned.