lark
New Member
- Jan 21, 2023
- 4
I've had mental issues ever since I remember my life.
The war, my mother's postpartum depression, all that shit, caused my parents to fight physically almost every day when I was a toddler.
All this shit fucked me up so bad that life has been a constant struggle.
Always just thinking "as soon as I finish X, I can finally calm down and stabilize" and there's always a new X.
And now, almost 30 years old, with a career I can't perform in, BPD diagnosis, I'm again in an acute crisis and I can't function.
Every day feels like I'm waiting for the doom that I don't know when will arrive.
The first time I attempted suicide was in high school, more than 10 years ago.
I used a bungee cord and tried to cut off the blood flow to my head with partial suspension hanging.
But as soon as my lips started getting numb, I got so fucking scared of death that I left it alone and started crying.
I've seen how fucking scary it is to die, and I've realized I'll never have enough courage to try it again.
Some part of me decided to try my best to fix my life, since death is obviously not an option.
Yet, it still gets worse and worse.
I stopped taking my meds, thinking they are hindering me.
Oh boy was I wrong.
The whole thing came back 10x stronger.
I am writing this now, dismissed from work for today, for not being able to do basic cognitive tasks.
I bought a bottle of whiskey and I have a couple blisters of benzos... But I know unreliable those are. And how scared I'd be either way.
I don't know what to do.
Living hurts.
Dying feels fucking scary.
I don't know what to do.
I suppose I'll just keep going for 30-50 more years until I die of natural causes.
The war, my mother's postpartum depression, all that shit, caused my parents to fight physically almost every day when I was a toddler.
All this shit fucked me up so bad that life has been a constant struggle.
Always just thinking "as soon as I finish X, I can finally calm down and stabilize" and there's always a new X.
And now, almost 30 years old, with a career I can't perform in, BPD diagnosis, I'm again in an acute crisis and I can't function.
Every day feels like I'm waiting for the doom that I don't know when will arrive.
The first time I attempted suicide was in high school, more than 10 years ago.
I used a bungee cord and tried to cut off the blood flow to my head with partial suspension hanging.
But as soon as my lips started getting numb, I got so fucking scared of death that I left it alone and started crying.
I've seen how fucking scary it is to die, and I've realized I'll never have enough courage to try it again.
Some part of me decided to try my best to fix my life, since death is obviously not an option.
Yet, it still gets worse and worse.
I stopped taking my meds, thinking they are hindering me.
Oh boy was I wrong.
The whole thing came back 10x stronger.
I am writing this now, dismissed from work for today, for not being able to do basic cognitive tasks.
I bought a bottle of whiskey and I have a couple blisters of benzos... But I know unreliable those are. And how scared I'd be either way.
I don't know what to do.
Living hurts.
Dying feels fucking scary.
I don't know what to do.
I suppose I'll just keep going for 30-50 more years until I die of natural causes.
