Venting Unwanted

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I feel like I don't belong here. Every time I think I like someone the pain from rejection just hurts so much, it makes me regret ever trying at all. It makes me feel not wanted. My family loves me but I just feel like it's not the same, you don't really choose to be born into a family. Whereas romantic love is chosen. Although some people have a much worse life than me and don't even have a good family. I feel like I'm a bad person for feeling this way given all I do have: family, job, house. People sometimes say odd things about my behavior, usually that I don't talk much. I think it affects how people see me, like maybe they dislike me because they think that I believe I'm too good to say anything. But I've just been conditioned to be quiet because I usually don't have anything important to say and I've spent a lot of time playing video games, not face to face communication. I feel like people usually talk over me or ignore me so I'd rather just be quiet. It's hard to talk about my feelings to anyone, I don't really know why. It's just scary. Sometimes if I'm lucky I might have at least one close friend. One of my last I accidentally caught feelings for, and I cut her off because I was scared that I wasn't good enough for her. She was there for me when I was depressed before, and I just cut her off like she didn't matter. For two years. I felt bad and we reconnected and not long after I messed up and disclosed my feelings for her. I feel like an idiot, it's the dumbest combination of choices to cut someone off and then confess to them years later. She's still a good friend, but I don't think she likes me more than that. And now there's still no one to talk to. I can't really tell her how I feel because that would come across as manipulative. I'm not sure if I'm fucked up or the world for putting me into existence. I don't see how there can be a point to my life if it can feel so bad that I can just go home tomorrow and end it so suddenly after 29 years. And then that's it. No real goodbye, no real meaning. Just lights out for eternity I guess.

Obviously there's a lot more given I've been around for a little bit, but there's no real point in writing a biography in a forum post that not many people will read all the way through.

 

[a-lien]

you have all the right to feel what you feel, (do better not compare to others, this does not metter, it matters what it feels to you ....and you suffer tooo. and then you have all the right to feel what you feel.. noone can walk in your shoes ;)

Yeah friends and family is not really the same... feels not really the same.
I mean maybe we are only sensitive to feel this rejection, this must not be always like real rejection, but more sensitive, though what we've allready learned in life....

I'm sry that it is like this for you... (here also some things are same, since I'm an alien ;D)