Discussion Unwanted children of SS

[alivefornow]

EDIT: Please share your experience if you are or consider yourself an unwanted child.

My parents were never married. They never even dated. They just got together to make me and then proceeded to hate each other for the rest of their lives. It goes without saying, I wasn't planned. Both of them never had other children.

As a child, I had to see my mother scream at my father through the phone, and whenever they met in person, there would be an argument. I never saw them show the least affection towards each other, quite the opposite.

I'm still not sure how this impacted me and the person I am today. In addition, my grandfather cheated on my grandmother and she found out he had a second family. That also destroyed their relationship. This happened very early in my life and I also had to see them fight constantly inside the house, with my grandfather sometimes using me as a shield, because he knew my grandmother would measure her words around me. But that didn't always happen.

One of these days, my father told me he was in contact with my mother and that they were talking in a civilized way about how to pull me out of this suicidal state. He says it like it's something good coming out of a bad situation, like I should be glad they are finally getting along because they both have a common interest, which is restoring my mental health.

All of this makes me feel like an unfunny joke, a 27 years old manchild unable to handle himself. Meds only make me sick in the morning and apathetic, not even being able to cease the heart anguish and pain. It's hell going on inside me and I want out. Soon.

 

[MidnightCat]

It's not an easy situation.

I understand that even if your dads said that without malice... you feel like an unfunny joke because of what he said.

I really hope you can get better with that hell inside. And about them... F them. There's people that do more harm than good. And sometimes it's easy to continue if you go away from them.

 

[Endex]

So sorry to read what you have endured from an early age from both your parents and grandparents. Irresponsible F-ing humans that can't see the damage they are inflicting on children.

 

[alivefornow]

It's not an easy situation.

I understand that even if your dads said that without malice... you feel like an unfunny joke because of what he said.

I really hope you can get better with that hell inside. And about them... F them. There's people that do more harm than good. And sometimes it's easy to continue if you go away from them.

Thanks for your kind words.

Well I'm here because I don't see things getting any better. I'm trying to source SN locally because I don't want to wait for an internet delivery. I have the resources to purchase all components of the SN protocol and book a hotel room. Then it will be the time to see if I have the guts to cut my life short.

 

[Lost in a Dream]

If they really wanted to save your mental health, they would've tried to do it sooner by not behaving like asshats. It seems more like they're doing this for themselves instead of for you, so they don't have to feel bad for being terrible parents before. Cutting them out of your life completely would be a great idea if you can, but I know some people aren't able to do it that easily.

Our inner hells are different, but they both suck so I understand wanting out ASAP. I'm also sorry your grandparents sucked too, because they're supposed to be the adults in those kinds of situations, especially when your parents weren't, and your grandfather using you as a shield like that was so fucked up.

 

[alivefornow]

So sorry to read what you have endured from an early age from both your parents and grandparents. Irresponsible F-ing humans that can't see the damage they are inflicting on children.

The thing is, all of these people love me very much. Grandparents died, I took great care of both of them at their final hours.

I had to hear all this arguing happened because they loved me very much and disagreed on what to do with me. As if it was all with the best intentions. Well it didn't work, they raised a suicide kid.

 

[Sunset Limited]

Here with asperger.

 

[Dyscalculia]

I see you. Similar here.
My parents only dated for a few months, then she got pregnant with me, my dear and absolute religious nutjob of grandparents convinced her to carry it to term. The grandparents named me, clothed me, fed me etc. Overall I was feeling unwanted by everyone except them, until I noticed the only reason they kept me around was so that they could feel better about their own faults. How they fcked up my mother's mental health, and they saw me as a second chance to 'raise me better'. Over time it became clear how they were not so great human beings (Narcissists), they use the feat of others as well as kids as an asset, something to boast about, not as a living being with feelings. My mother left me at their ''care'' when I was eight, because 'she cannot feed three kids at the same time' , and then dipped with another man and his two new kids. As for my father he dipped when I was two, started his own family and never told his second marriage about me, up until I tried to contact him. Then blamed me for ruining his marriage. So honestly... Speechless. They really did just kick out a kid out there in the world with no one to fall back on to. Wonder why I think about catching that bus hehe.

 

[hrsprayqn]

I can very very much relate to this, if they gave a shit they wouldn't have done it when we were younger in the first place.

I feel like often parents do shit like this so they can feel better when a lot of us inevitably ctb, what they don't realise is that their actions during our childhoods and upbringing that we often remember (and they forget - or at the very least claim to) are a major part of the reason we want to ctb.
Oh yeah, for note, my parents met at work, went on a date and fucked one bank holiday weekend, carried me to term (for some reason) and then split up.

 

[alivefornow]

I see you. Similar here.
My parents only dated for a few months, then she got pregnant with me, my dear and absolute religious nutjob of grandparents convinced her to carry it to term. The grandparents named me, clothed me, fed me etc. Overall I was feeling unwanted by everyone except them, until I noticed the only reason they kept me around was so that they could feel better about their own faults. How they fcked up my mother's mental health, and they saw me as a second chance to 'raise me better'. Over time it became clear how they were not so great human beings (Narcissists), they use the feat of others as well as kids as an asset, something to boast about, not as a living being with feelings. My mother left me at their ''care'' when I was eight, because 'she cannot feed three kids at the same time' , and then dipped with another man and his two new kids. As for my father he dipped when I was two, started his own family and never told his second marriage about me, up until I tried to contact him. Then blamed me for ruining his marriage. So honestly... Speechless. They really did just kick out a kid out there in the world with no one to fall back on to. Wonder why I think about catching that bus hehe.

I'm sorry you had to go through these terrible life experiences. Whatever you choice, I wish you have the strength to carry through.

 

[LONE WOLF.]

I also am a unwanted reject, l am the result of a rape that occurred to a 14yr school girl back in 1971, who understandably then had me adopted, l was acquired by a farming couple and grew up on a 250 acre dairy/arable farm until I turned 18yrs, then l was rejected again! I guess I am Cursed

 

[Ultracheese]

I'm so sorry for what you experienced. That's a lot for anyone to deal with and your feelings are totally understandable.

Reading your thread initially I thought "Are you me?" because we've gone through so many of the same things together. Like you, my parents were never married or dated. I'm the product of a one-night stand (my mother thinks the story of her making me in the back of her car with my dad in an Applebee's parking lot is funny for whatever reason). They absolutely despised each other, and my mother would often call the cops on my dad for stuff he never did. She wanted nothing to do with me my entire life yet always saw the need to violate my privacy on a near-daily basis until I cut her off last year. My dad and I still live together but haven't seen or talked to each other for almost a year now. I wasn't there to see my grandparents divorced, but it was a very similar situation and I wonder if my dad was subconsciously trying to emulate what he saw in his own environment.