Venting unhelpful responses from non-suicidal people

[philomena]

My mom just tells me to stop being suicidal LOL. This logic will never make sense to me because if you could magically decide to stop being suicidal and love life there'd be virtually NO cases of suicide.

 

[RichardFirst]

When it comes to understanding a desire to self-delete, I would explain it like this: You don't get it until you get it, but when you get it, you REALLY get it.

Most people, thankfully, are never in a position where CTB is even a consideration. It is a drastic solution to a problem, but sometimes drastic solutions are needed, and one can't understand this until they are faced with the problem. Consider, if you will, the man whose arm was trapped under a boulder. His choice was to amputate his arm or die of exposure. That is an insane choice, but when that is the reality that one finds themselves in, the need to act accordingly.

Don't judge a man before you walk a mile in his shoes.

 

[the_path_of_sorrows]

Even remembering this is hella painful.

"Just be positive"
"Clearly, you do not wish to get better"
"You worsen the vibe with your depressions"
"It's all in your head. Anyways, why are you telling me this?"
"Oh, shut up, you're always playing the victim"
"We all are depressed and want to die, it doesn't make you any more special"

- been friends with this person for a few years. That's what I'd been used to hearing whenever I was just about to gather all the courage to show that I'm not okay. We haven't spoken for almost 3 years because I was too busy planning and couldn't meet up; I wasn't in the right state of mind and she was all angry that I didn't care about her. I stated that she's not helping and that we shouldn't be friends anymore, she ignored the message. I still went with a plan not even a few days later.

Doesn't matter, her words haunt me. Back then I decided to forgive her when she had told the authorities that "I'm going to ctb anytime" out of nowhere and this later caused the unnecessary chaos that lasted for 3 whole years (I'd been closely monitored by every single person around). She left because she was afraid of being associated with someone like me. That's pathetic.


The most supportive person that I've ever known is my good friend that is constantly trying to ctb. She has never judged me. We get along well, there has been nothing else but encouragement to do what you feel like doing. We know that we are never truly alone.

 

[leavingthesoultrap]

So the last two years were really hard thats sad to hear but I am sure that the other 26 were good.
They were better than the absolute horrific last two years but my whole life is suffering due to being high functiong autist with Borderline personality disorder

 

[casual_existence]

I had all the same.

My wide recently killed herself and I told my parents my life isn't worth living and I was going to follow her. This annoyed me as they all said she was at peace and it was her decision but I couldn't make my own.

my mum is not well she had a stroke 6 years ago when she was 52, she told me that I would finish her off, she told me that my sister in law who suffers from severe bi polar would do the same, my brother would be left all alone to raise my nephew who wouldn't grow up from me. She said that my dad would die from a broken heart and my sister would flunk out of veterinary

I understand where they were coming from with hindsight and I might have been a little insensitive as they loved my wife and their daughter in law so very much and couldn't bear another loss of this magnitude.

The had me committed to hospital soon after as I had told my brother I had planned my exit, it was all a bit fucked up and I cut them out for a while as I felt betrayed.

I made up with them a few weeks ago and my parents now accept that it's my decision, my mum even said if you want to die she wanted to be there at the end as she brought me into the world and didn't want me to die alone.

They know they've lost me, and I know its hard on them but I can't exist in so much pain for other people and they've slowly come to accept this

Wow that's amazing. I would have never imagined that a suicidal person would get support from their family like that. It's the kind of future I wish we could all have.

 

[IDoNotExist]

1. Your only gonna pass it on to those who love you
2. You will harm everyone around you mentally
3. It's not worth it
4. Suicide isn't a solution (the typical)
5. Your going to hurt the people who love you
6. (this wasn't directed at me but to other people but it still made me angry) It's stupid. They are all selfish because they are hurt their family.
7. All your effort will go to waste.

No.1, 2, 3, 5... I hate it when I hear these cause I hear it all the time. Like- are you telling me I'm selfish because I wanna die? But aren't you more selfish for wanting to keep me in this hell hole and continue see me suffer? How am I selfish? I simply want to be at peace and your denying me that, how selfish of you.

No. 4.. The typical response. It's everywhere I swear to god. It's starting to annoy me a bit when people say that.

No. 6.. My mum was talking to me about suicide cause she heard that someone committed suicide or smth. She was complaining about how that person has hurt the people that love them and how it will only pass it to someone else. It made me a bit angry but there was nothing I could do about that cause she would probably drop me off at a mental hospital cause If I say anything. I loathed the part when she said it was stupid and that that person is selfish.

(I want to say something about No..7 but idk what to.)

Ohhh I forgot to add this one but when I told my best friend about my depression and suicidal stuff, he told me, "skill issue" and that one kinda hurt me. If feels like it went too far. Yes, me and him are mean to each other but we're just joking most of the time and it's half-hearted but I just think that it just went too far. maybe I'm just being dramatic? Idk.

 

[SVEN]

I've had my fair share of mean comments said to me when I opened up about struggling; my parents both called me "weak" and an "attention whore," etc., for telling them I overdosed and that I was terrified and needed help. I am doing much better now, but I still can't forgive them for what they said.
I have a question. I want to help comfort anyone who needs or wants it. What's the best thing to say? I've noticed there's a lot of debate on what to say and what not to say. I would love to hear direct advice and how I can help.

If you wish to assist perhaps the Recovery Section may be more appropriate to you. This being a pro choice group, Suicide Discussion tends to be more directed towards those of us who are seeking means and support.
Inviting members to message you privately always seems slightly suspect to me (I'm sure others will differ) especially from new recent arrivals. So many pro life individuals and groups are always lurking around these sites attempting to push their message across.

 

[Humble]

If you wish to assist perhaps the Recovery Section may be more appropriate to you. This being a pro choice group, Suicide Discussion tends to be more directed towards those of us who are seeking means and support.
Inviting members to message you privately always seems slightly suspect to me (I'm sure others will differ) especially from new recent arrivals. So many pro life individuals and groups are always lurking around these sites attempting to push their message across.

Got it thank you :)

 

[cryone]

"Killing yourself is a sin" is probably by far the worst response i got. im an atheist too.

 

[vitbar]

Please don't kill yourself.

Admittedly she apologised after. She has some trauma from someone very close killing themselves when she was little.

 

[lifewasawillowtv]

1. You are being selfish. You have a family to think about.
2. Don't do that. I thought you were intelligent.
3. Your life is God's and if you commit suicide, then you will be sent back to earth to finish your time.
4. Pray

The last two comments were made by the same person.
Also my husband got me to see a "spiritual leader" who told me that I was more intelligent, caring and resourceful than him and so he doesn't understand why I have SI! And had the cheek to offer a follow-up session - my polite, but firm reply is best left out of the forum.

Number 4 triggers me so much when anyone says that to me. The only thing I will be praying for is death thank you very much. And then I say that to the people who told me to pray and they have a problem with that, like I'm doing what you said I am praying what's your problem now lol

 

[daocreator]

what are some really unhelpful responses youve gotten when venting to people who have never had a desire to CTB/never been in true despair?

ive heard stuff like "it just sucks seeing you consider and justify suicide despite the people that love you" "its not worth it being with me?", or insisting i just have to try harder

on the other hand, you can share what responses have been helpful, for me being told "you dont have to die trying, it's okay to ease up when need be, as long as you're safe and sound" was much more comforting

The most unhelpful one was probably a nonchalant one, as if my problem was never really one to begin with;"Don't suicide, that shit kills you." Litteraly dad after telling him that life's infinite struggle is meaningless.

That aside, I just can't see myself living THAT long. For those who have lived more than two decades, I really admire your courage. I feel like I haven't changed at all on the last few years. Ever since I had that 'realization' I was just stuck on that some spot.

Anyway, this was supposed to be the worst response yet I ended up venting, my bad

 

[GlutenFreeCat]

"Try harder to be happy"

"This what I do when I feel sad"

"Why are you so fucking selfish"

"You're weak and pathetic if you even consider killing yourself"

 

[kettlevinbarq]

it gets better

 

[anhed0nia]

what are some really unhelpful responses youve gotten when venting to people who have never had a desire to CTB/never been in true despair?

ive heard stuff like "it just sucks seeing you consider and justify suicide despite the people that love you" "its not worth it being with me?", or insisting i just have to try harder

on the other hand, you can share what responses have been helpful, for me being told "you dont have to die trying, it's okay to ease up when need be, as long as you're safe and sound" was much more comforting

I'm overwhelmed with choice of unhelpful responses I've heard or overheard! As you and many people suggest, the worst thing is when people treat you like your depression and suicidal ideation are something you're doing to THEM, that you're just punishing THEM and their mere existence should wipe out all of your personal troubles. To me love is a two-way street, if someone I loved were suffering incurably I would their pain to stop, I cannot imagine resenting them for leaving. Actually I would probably feel embarrassed if someone thought they had to keep living a painful life just to avoid inconveniencing me personally.

But there's also some well-meaning rhetoric around suicide that I object to. I hate how often the response is something like "You are not alone", "hug your friends, let them know they're not alone," etc. I recognize that loneliness is the main thing for some people and I do not mean to diminish their pain in any way, but treating all suicidal people like their only problem is needing a hug is condescending and oversimplifying. Some of us have friends and partners, and are still in touch with our families. We're shown love. But we have deeper, more complex problems that could never be resolved with a hug and a phone call. In my opinion it goes a really long way to just acknowledge that someone is suffering, to say that even if you cannot personally imagine their pain you still believe it is real and important, instead of acting like it's all just an attitude problem or something.

I can think of one helpful example: This is third-hand but I'm aware of a conversation where someone was expressing their suicidal ambition, and the person comforting them said something to the tune of "Death is inevitable, so suicide doesn't seem that urgent. You have time to think about it." I wish I could put it exactly the way she did, which I found powerful at the time. I mean for some of us ending life could be VERY urgent, there are legitimate reasons that seeing the next day could be totally unmanageable. But I liked that: We're all going to die someday anyway so you don't really have to worry about controlling it, you can bide your time knowing that it will come whether you choose it or not. I found that soothing for some reason.

The last thing I wanted to add was a blog post I can't find now, but what it basically said was that suicide prevention strategies will never truly work so long as they are always predicated on the idea that suicide is fundamentally immoral and never desirable. That is, if you always approach a suicidal person as if their condition is cruel or even criminal, how are they ever supposed to find you helpful or comforting?

There are actually 2 reasons as to why they say such "advice"

The first one being that they haven't suffered enough to be capable of understanding what others go through, they think everyone's lives are perfect and free of any problems. The second one is that they don't believe that everyone is different. In nearly every aspect, people are different and this same statement also applies for psychological oriented things like the ability to handle things. Not everyone is able handle things similarly making some think about giving up while others get over their problems easily.

"They don't believe everyone is different," that's exactly right, well said.

 

[cetacea]

treating all suicidal people like their only problem is needing a hug is condescending and oversimplifying. Some of us have friends and partners, and are still in touch with our families. We're shown love. But we have deeper, more complex problems that could never be resolved with a hug and a phone call.

I feel the same way. It is such a gross oversimplification of what we go through. I don't like being hugged and I fucking hate phone calls. Other little signs of affection aren't unappreciated by me but it doesn't come close to fixing my major problems which cause me torment

 

[tvoisluga]

what are some really unhelpful responses youve gotten when venting to people who have never had a desire to CTB/never been in true despair?

ive heard stuff like "it just sucks seeing you consider and justify suicide despite the people that love you" "its not worth it being with me?", or insisting i just have to try harder

on the other hand, you can share what responses have been helpful, for me being told "you dont have to die trying, it's okay to ease up when need be, as long as you're safe and sound" was much more comforting

"suicide is never the answer". Ok, i still plan to do it even if it's not an answer to ypou

 

[wistfulness]

I told my half brother I had a suicide plan and he asked "how would you do it" and then proceeded to ask if I wanted to come along with him to a gun shop 5 days later (he had to go for an unrelated reason)

 

[hellispink]

One thing, dont take things personally ever much less in a online forum. Second when publicly putting something online one has to accept different opinion views as long as they done with respect. When we are in your shit we cant stand people telling us what we do not want to hear. Lets be tolerant, not towards pro lifers (they can f themselves). But lets be tolerate as long as its respectful. Maybe being open minded is a good thing y know

 

[Lostindespair3]

1. You're too young to die, you have so much life left to live.

2. What will your family do without you around.

3. Life can't be taken away by your own hand when it belongs to God or else you'll go to Hell.

4. Your pain and suffering is temporary, give it time.

5. And you think ending your life is going to solve all your problems but you're ignoring the fact that it'll create new terrible ones for those left behind.

6. If you do this, you've proven one thing and that's you don't give a shit about anyone but yourself.

7. Suck it up, there's millions of people who have it worse than you and yet they still find a way to live so why can't you.

Such a good list. Add, "If you really wanted to die, you would've done it by now!", and you've got almost the whole crew!

 

[Battered_Seoul]

"It would destroy your mother."

Simple. Effective. Coercive.

I'm almost 40, but this still works. So, from their perspective, actually quite helpful.

 

[Deleted member 65988]

and you've got almost the whole crew!

Wait what does this mean?

 

[moggedtodeath]

"Do you not think about the effects you doing this would have on other people, like your family?"

From my dad. I felt disgusted when he said this to me. I know it was out of pure worry and fear that I would do this again and that I might still contemplate it but the fact that he thinks that I should only keep myself alive so that I can prevent sorrow from my family instead of fulfilling what needs to be done in order to give his child complete peace disturbs me to a level I can't begin to describe.

Hm, I understand both sides of this. I've seen my mother worried about my mental health issues and I try not to think about my ultimate plan, but what you said just here is so correct, it's unbelievable. He's probably just saying that now because he doesn't know how else to say you're worthy and those kinds of sentiments. I'm right there with you, friend. If you feel it's necessary, you must listen to yourself and I'm sure they'll understand at some point, though it might be difficult.

 

[depthss]

A doctor told me that I had "so much to live for". He didn't know me at all, it was the first time I met him, so of course he was wrong. I don't know why thats such a common thing to say to suicidal people you barley know, a lot of us do not have much to live for, thats a big reason why I want to die

 

[nightmare_moon]

I don't know about you but my dad gives me some half baked reasons like "But just don't be sad, it's not hard" or "Don't think about it and you'll be fine". I think I would've tried those by now if they were viable options! If only it were as easy as deciding not to be sad...