Venting unhelpful responses from non-suicidal people

[cetacea]

what are some really unhelpful responses youve gotten when venting to people who have never had a desire to CTB/never been in true despair?

ive heard stuff like "it just sucks seeing you consider and justify suicide despite the people that love you" "its not worth it being with me?", or insisting i just have to try harder

on the other hand, you can share what responses have been helpful, for me being told "you dont have to die trying, it's okay to ease up when need be, as long as you're safe and sound" was much more comforting

 

[Mistiie]

"Do you not think about the effects you doing this would have on other people, like your family?"

From my dad. I felt disgusted when he said this to me. I know it was out of pure worry and fear that I would do this again and that I might still contemplate it but the fact that he thinks that I should only keep myself alive so that I can prevent sorrow from my family instead of fulfilling what needs to be done in order to give his child complete peace disturbs me to a level I can't begin to describe.

 

[Seered Doom]

"You should spend more time with your family instead of hiding in your room and being on your electronics all the damn time!"

From both parents. My response to that is if they weren't such shitty parents and actually wanted to understand me, then why not just, oh idk, not be so pathetic and help me out instead of only thinking about themselves? There's a suggestion that'd get me slapped.

 

[cetacea]

"You should spend more time with your family instead of hiding in your room and being on your electronics all the damn time!"

do they think you're suicidal because of a phone or a computer? if that's how they respond, why would they think you'd want to spend time with them?

 

[Seered Doom]

do they think you're suicidal because of a phone or a computer? if that's how they respond, why would they think you'd want to spend time with them?

They think I'm suicidal either because of electronics, because I'm tired, or I'm doing it for attention.

 

[achb]

"You should try going to a therapist"
Every. Time. As if ppl struggling don't already know that.
"Have you been diagnosed with depression...?"
that just sounds like you think I'm lying. Especially if you go "oh..." after I say no not yet. Doubting that I'm struggling feels like fucking shit.
"Damn." Or "That sucks." Or "oof"
I understand this one. You don't know what to say. In my opinion, don't say anything! I'm ok with venting to a void. But if you're going to respond at least put some effort into it. "Felt" or "I get that" or some other phrase relating to it even shortly is so much better! I don't want fake sympathy.

That's part of why I like it here. People relate to what you say and share similar feelings in return. Or give actual sympathy with words that show they're trying to understand or do understand.

 

[Weltall]

They think I'm suicidal either because of electronics, because I'm tired, or I'm doing it for attention.

While I don't condone your parent's approach, there is some truth to being secluded in a room.

Being stuck in a dark room can cause or enhance depression-like symptoms in people.

Light deprivation induces depression-like behavior and suppresses neurogenesis in diurnal mongolian gerbil (Meriones unguiculatus) - PubMed

Recent evidence suggests that adult neurogenesis contributes to the pathophysiology of different psychiatric disorders, including depressive disorder, anxiety disorder, and schizophrenia. Seasonal affective disorder (SAD) is a specific form of recurrent depressive disorder that can be induced by...

pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov

Having exposure to light (at least 5 lux) in your room at night can cause alterations in how your body processes things.

Bedroom Light Exposure at Night and the Incidence of Depressive Symptoms: A Longitudinal Study of the HEIJO-KYO Cohort - PubMed

Previous studies have indicated that minimal exposure to light at night (LAN) increases depression risk, even at 5 lux, in nocturnal and diurnal mammals. Although such low-level LAN may affect human circadian physiology, the association between exposure to LAN and depressive symptoms remains...

pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov

There is science to support those topics.
I personally feel drastically different (in a postive way) whenever I step out of my room after a long binge and eventually absorb sunlight.

 

[Kundalini Guy]

"You're still young, why would you kill yourself" I have been through so much shit till now that I want to end it, why are you even asking me this question?

 

[Meditation guide]

Someone here is saying people should "reach out for help". Like no one has thought of that or done that before. Yes good idea why didn't I think of that? I'll just reach out for help!

She doesn't believe in ctb. Everyone just needs to reach out for help.

 

[Kit1]

1. You are being selfish. You have a family to think about.
2. Don't do that. I thought you were intelligent.
3. Your life is God's and if you commit suicide, then you will be sent back to earth to finish your time.
4. Pray

The last two comments were made by the same person.
Also my husband got me to see a "spiritual leader" who told me that I was more intelligent, caring and resourceful than him and so he doesn't understand why I have SI! And had the cheek to offer a follow-up session - my polite, but firm reply is best left out of the forum.

 

[Deleted member 65988]

1. You're too young to die, you have so much life left to live.

2. What will your family do without you around.

3. Life can't be taken away by your own hand when it belongs to God or else you'll go to Hell.

4. Your pain and suffering is temporary, give it time.

5. And you think ending your life is going to solve all your problems but you're ignoring the fact that it'll create new terrible ones for those left behind.

6. If you do this, you've proven one thing and that's you don't give a shit about anyone but yourself.

7. Suck it up, there's millions of people who have it worse than you and yet they still find a way to live so why can't you.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

Unhelpful responses:

"You have no other choice/option [but to go on living]"
"Killing yourself is cowardly"
"You're running away ..."
"You have to find a job ..."
"You see you're not starving ..."
"Others have it worse ..."

 

[cetacea]

"You have no other choice/option [but to go on living]"

ouch...i got this one today. I told him I was just being realistic, that throwing in the towel is always an option. He said he doesnt respect it even if it's true. He's a very positive guy, and he's trying to be helpful, but it really doesnt help to say it's not an option because it very much is.

Someone here is saying people should "reach out for help". Like no one has thought of that or done that before. Yes good idea why didn't I think of that? I'll just reach out for help!

She doesn't believe in ctb. Everyone just needs to reach out for help.

you mean someone on this forum? geez... ive tried reaching out for help for my problems. i either got shot down or getting the help i needed was so difficult and consisted of so many hoops to jump through i just gave up

While I don't condone your parent's approach, there is some truth to being secluded in a room.

Being stuck in a dark room can cause or enhance depression-like symptoms in people.

Light deprivation induces depression-like behavior and suppresses neurogenesis in diurnal mongolian gerbil (Meriones unguiculatus) - PubMed

Recent evidence suggests that adult neurogenesis contributes to the pathophysiology of different psychiatric disorders, including depressive disorder, anxiety disorder, and schizophrenia. Seasonal affective disorder (SAD) is a specific form of recurrent depressive disorder that can be induced by...

pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov

Having exposure to light (at least 5 lux) in your room at night can cause alterations in how your body processes things.

Bedroom Light Exposure at Night and the Incidence of Depressive Symptoms: A Longitudinal Study of the HEIJO-KYO Cohort - PubMed

Previous studies have indicated that minimal exposure to light at night (LAN) increases depression risk, even at 5 lux, in nocturnal and diurnal mammals. Although such low-level LAN may affect human circadian physiology, the association between exposure to LAN and depressive symptoms remains...

pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov

There is science to support those topics.
I personally feel drastically different (in a postive way) whenever I step out of my room after a long binge and eventually absorb sunlight.

I really appreciate your insight plus including sources.

It sucks people can't be nicer/less victim-blaming about these things. Getting more light or fresh air may not relieve you of desire to CTB but it can make life just very slightly less miserable.

 

[アホペンギン]

1. "You're too young to die, you have so much left to live for"
My response: I have no good expectations for the future. There is nothing for me here.

2. "You'll die anyways from natural causes, once you lived your life, why cut it short?"
My response: I don't want to grow old, being forced to rely on someone else to care for me. I won't be able to do the things I enjoy anymore, I'd rather die young.

3. "Your problems don't exist, others have it much worse than you"
My response: I understand that others have it much worse than me. The thing wrong with what you said, though, is that no one is the same. I have said many times before no one is the same physically, why wouldn't that apply to psychology as well?

4. "What about those who you leave behind? How will they feel?"
My response: They are the cause of my problems and whatever is happening in this world once I'm dead isn't any of my concern. It'll be as if I nevrr existed in the first place.

5. "Suicide is cowardly"
My response: No it isn't cowardly. It is very hard to pull off and such a decision to end your own life is made after years and years of struggling and even then people are still indecisive.

6. "Go to a therapist, you're crazy. You need strong meds"
My response: Why am I crazy for not enjoying my life? This same mindset can be applied to everything else. Why isn't it valid to call you crazy for (something they don't enjoy)?

7. "I didn't do all that I did for you just for you to kill yourself" (guilt tripping me)
My response: I have personal autonomy, I can decide for myself and I have now come to the conclusion that there is nothing for me in this world despite what you've done for me "out of good will" and therefore, I choose to end my life. I will not participate in this shitshow!

 

[Heading to Darkness]

1. You are being selfish. You have a family to think about.
2. Don't do that. I thought you were intelligent.
3. Your life is God's and if you commit suicide, then you will be sent back to earth to finish your time.
4. Pray

The last two comments were made by the same person.
Also my husband got me to see a "spiritual leader" who told me that I was more intelligent, caring and resourceful than him and so he doesn't understand why I have SI! And had the cheek to offer a follow-up session - my polite, but firm reply is best left out of the forum.

the selfish argument is poor,most of us think we are actually doing people a favour by ctb, and to challenge intelligence shows theitr own lack of it because from what i see on this site is people making rational, clear intelligent plans to ctb. As for the God argument i thought God is suoosed to be all forgiving so a true believer could not offer the return to earth rubbish
one of my mental health helpers said to me 'i dont want to be the one telling your family that you took your life, i would feel awful'...sorry but this is about me not them!!
I wish you lucj on your journey

 

[NocturnILL]

"Others have it worse ..."

This one boils me! I never understood how people say this to someone going thru what they're going thru, to a point where their light is DEATH, and don't see how invalidating they're being. As if it wouldn't make you feel worse.

 

[piddincir]

I had all the same.

My wide recently killed herself and I told my parents my life isn't worth living and I was going to follow her. This annoyed me as they all said she was at peace and it was her decision but I couldn't make my own.

my mum is not well she had a stroke 6 years ago when she was 52, she told me that I would finish her off, she told me that my sister in law who suffers from severe bi polar would do the same, my brother would be left all alone to raise my nephew who wouldn't grow up from me. She said that my dad would die from a broken heart and my sister would flunk out of veterinary

I understand where they were coming from with hindsight and I might have been a little insensitive as they loved my wife and their daughter in law so very much and couldn't bear another loss of this magnitude.

The had me committed to hospital soon after as I had told my brother I had planned my exit, it was all a bit fucked up and I cut them out for a while as I felt betrayed.

I made up with them a few weeks ago and my parents now accept that it's my decision, my mum even said if you want to die she wanted to be there at the end as she brought me into the world and didn't want me to die alone.

They know they've lost me, and I know its hard on them but I can't exist in so much pain for other people and they've slowly come to accept this

 

[アホペンギン]

This one boils me! I never understood how people say this to someone going thru what they're going thru, to a point where their light is DEATH, and don't see how invalidating they're being. As if it wouldn't make you feel worse.

There are actually 2 reasons as to why they say such "advice"

The first one being that they haven't suffered enough to be capable of understanding what others go through, they think everyone's lives are perfect and free of any problems. The second one is that they don't believe that everyone is different. In nearly every aspect, people are different and this same statement also applies for psychological oriented things like the ability to handle things. Not everyone is able handle things similarly making some think about giving up while others get over their problems easily.

 

[NocturnILL]

Many that have already been said but I hear often from my family "it's your depression that makes you feel that way, you're fine!" or "your bran chemistry is messed up you just need medications or ECT" and my favorite "I could take you to the hospital right now!"

 

[DearMe]

"I have never taught you like this." My mother told me this. She was never there in my childhood nor did she teach me anything.

"We're not the one to be blamed. You are the one to be blamed." My father told me this when my grades kept getting lower and lower. Funnily enough, I did ask for it. I felt their pride was hurt because of me.

"Maybe removing all your gadgets and disconnecting you from the internet would make you become normal." From way back, I wanted to facepalm on this one.

"I gave you everything, but you wanted to die?" Why is this the first thing you are angry about? Because I did not pay you back?

"Who did you take your personality from?" From multiple people. I hated this quote so much because it felt like it was the fault of my relatives and not of myself.

"You're hallucinating." Just recently told, I'm still walking through that path.

"You should still try working..." I told them about my condition and this is what they said. Made me lose hope.

"The only one that can save you is yourself." As if I did not try to reach out to many people to recover from this state. No one cured me.

"For your parents." I do love them. I just can't let them suffer through my actions by being alive anymore.

"God has never abandoned you." God may have not abandoned me, but I abandoned myself, grandma.

"You think it's easy to run away like that?" I was speechless in this one. It's not that easy to die, it's not easy when you're aware of it yourself.

 

[NocturnILL]

There are actually 2 reasons as to why they say such "advice"

The first one being that they haven't suffered enough to be capable of understanding what others go through, they think everyone's lives are perfect and free of any problems. The second one is that they don't believe that everyone is different. In nearly every aspect, people are different and this same statement also applies for psychological oriented things like the ability to handle things. Not everyone is able handle things similarly making some think about giving up while others get over their problems easily.

Exactly! As if every suicidal person is the same. We literally get grouped together like their same solutions can fix our different situations. Even to add a third, it applies even with the ones that have suffered but because they aren't suffering anymore and got through their obstacles well ANYONE can.

 

[AnonymousL]

what are some really unhelpful responses youve gotten when venting to people who have never had a desire to CTB/never been in true despair?

ive heard stuff like "it just sucks seeing you consider and justify suicide despite the people that love you" "its not worth it being with me?", or insisting i just have to try harder

on the other hand, you can share what responses have been helpful, for me being told "you dont have to die trying, it's okay to ease up when need be, as long as you're safe and sound" was much more comforting

Whenever I go downstairs and my parents see I'm upset or really depressed all they say is " smile for once " ...

My dad used to beat me up whenever i looked like I was depressed when I was a child. Instead of supporting or helping me.

 

[gbi2]

"You should try going to a therapist"
Every. Time. As if ppl struggling don't already know that.
"Have you been diagnosed with depression...?"
that just sounds like you think I'm lying. Especially if you go "oh..." after I say no not yet. Doubting that I'm struggling feels like fucking shit.
"Damn." Or "That sucks." Or "oof"
I understand this one. You don't know what to say. In my opinion, don't say anything! I'm ok with venting to a void. But if you're going to respond at least put some effort into it. "Felt" or "I get that" or some other phrase relating to it even shortly is so much better! I don't want fake sympathy.

That's part of why I like it here. People relate to what you say and share similar feelings in return. Or give actual sympathy with words that show they're trying to understand or do understand.

The number of times people have told me what they think I need to do like I haven't thought about it is just ridiculous. Because my memory is failing badly, the most common thing is "write things down". Do they really think I've lived 50 years and never thought of writing things down before? I've made lists to check off when I've gone fishing, shopping lists and bills and stuff. I know about that! But what happens when you write things down then you forget you even wrote anything down, or you looked at your reminder and still got details wrong. I say "what is the advice when over 7 years writing things down has stopped working."
It really annoys me when the advice is things I've already been doing. I'm like this those things have failed, not because I'm too stupid tm think of trying them.

 

[Deleted member 65988]

A lot of these responses, whether seen online or having been personally confronted by your parents or friends irl. One thing clear to me is that society is woefully ill-prepared to discuss suicide openly and honeslty, sharing these thoughts without condemnation and dismissal is why what most people would like but no, people would rather not reach out and "get help" which is commonly and loosely suggested by everyone because it's rather difficult to just talk about it in a society that is hellbent on keeping you around through guilt, cheap bargaining tactics or manipulation instead of trying to understand you but to the human being whose never been in a position to think about ending their life, they won't ever have the capacity to understand because they've never been in a place like that mentally and maybe realize that a lot of these responses are so shallow and insensitive, they don't do more good than what the intention behind them is. They fall short of the impact they're supposed to have because we've heard it all before.

Take this one for example

Suck it up, there's millions of people who have it worse than you and yet they still find a way to live so why can't you.

Gee, if only it were so easy to consider my circumstances more fortunate than someone else, why should I happy just because I didn't end up a slave, that isn't a good reason to be happy because it takes the plight of another human very lightly, I can't be happy just because i could've had it worse.Also, if it were that easy then millionaire's in their high-rise penthouses, yachts and supercars would have no reason to consider ctb at all for any reason because they have it better than majority of people on the planet due to their economic advantages but everything we've seen the public reaction to a celebrity suicide, they get all shocked and surprised but it's an example, an unfortunate one, that life even if you have so much can still mean nothing.

We all have multiple reasons to consider ctb because of terminal illness, general pain and suffering through years of abuse and trauma or just existential issues with how the world is such a cruel, dark place ready to torment anyone at a moments notice in unimaginable ways but this is why the solution can't be all the same for these reasons, it is not a one-size fits all answer of sectioning people and giving them a boat load of pills to make them operate "normally" in society so that they can see out the rest of their days, happily paying taxes and being compliant to selfish people in government, living a full life till they die of illness, murder and a whole variety of accidental deaths.

 

[cetacea]

One thing clear to me is that society is woefully ill-prepared to discuss suicide openly and honeslty, sharing these thoughts without condemnation and dismissal is why what most people would like but no, people would rather not reach out and "get help" which is commonly and loosely suggested by everyone

It's very true. Even people who are doing their best to understand & help often utter one of these incredibly unhelpful phrases. Online, expressing any desire to CTB gets you banned. One time I got banned temporarily on Twitter for even joking I would CTB

The rest of the world is very not prepared for the suicidal. It isn't necessarily their fault, either. you can't possibly know what to do unless you've experienced it. even then you may not know

 

[Freyja13]

what are some really unhelpful responses youve gotten when venting to people who have never had a desire to CTB/never been in true despair?

ive heard stuff like "it just sucks seeing you consider and justify suicide despite the people that love you" "its not worth it being with me?", or insisting i just have to try harder

on the other hand, you can share what responses have been helpful, for me being told "you dont have to die trying, it's okay to ease up when need be, as long as you're safe and sound" was much more comforting

Oof I love those helpful comments. Wish more people showed more compassion when you try to be vulnerable

 

[Praestat_Mori]

I got another unhelpful comment yesterday:

"You're over-dramatizing a bit ..."

 

[Kit1]

I got another unhelpful comment yesterday:

"You're over-dramatizing a bit ..."

Don't you just hate it when people are so selfish that they become so insensitive to the suffering of others and make the other person feel worse? I am so sorry that you had to hear that from someone who was being unkind and horrible.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

Don't you just hate it when people are so selfish that they become so insensitive to the suffering of others and make the other person feel worse? I am so sorry that you had to hear that from someone who was being unkind and horrible.

Yes I hate such unhelpful comments. They make me want CTB even more.

 

[Forever Sleep]

It wasn't in response to CTB. I wouldn't share that with my family and I tend to only tell people if I get the strong impression they feel the same. But I remember the phrase: 'You've got your whole life ahead of you.' Like- yeah- that's exactly the problem! Kind of ironic really. It's supposed to be this inspirational, motivational phrase yet, it used to fill me with dread.