Story Unfulfilled dreams

[wilderwein]

My biggest dream was to go to concert of my favorite band, which I've been listening to for 12 years and which has become an important part of my life. (Rammstein ).The memory of seeing and hearing my idol from this band in another show makes me feel less sad, but I still regret not being able to fulfill my cherished dream.
Also my dream was to learn playing piano and painting. I have always had a passion for the piano, at school or at a friend's house, I have played something easy on the first try, and I felt that maybe I had a talent for it. I felt that my fingers remember something that I don't know.. I played the virtual piano on the PC ,it was even harder . It could have been a hobby, and I could have to buy a synthesizer at least or ask for one as a gift to my birthday when I was teenage.I had many opportunities to really pursue it but unfortunately I ignored this soul's feeling. My mistake was not listening to this desire.
I've been drawing a lot since I was a child. It was my main activity while other children were playing outside. My family and school noticed this and everyone liked it. They give me self-study books for drawing with a pencil, and later I learned from videos. I achieved a decent level of skill but over time, especially after the age of 17, my interest began to wane. But few years ago that I realized I also enjoyed painting. I've always loved looking at paintings but I never thought I could try my hand at it. I also loved learning foreign languages and reading books. I became a German teacher and wanted to be also books translator . All of these things were part of who I was. When I met the love of my life, I felt reawakened and had a desire to pursue these things, realizing that they were not "unimportant activities" but were who I truly was. It was true love that opened my heart and soul. But then it was ruined because of me. I lost everything. I feel empty inside, nothing matters anymore. Everyday is just surviving and pain, I'm physically and mentally damaged. Because I had one new but most important dream - live with him together all my life
I am sorry to everyone who is experiencing physical or mental pain. I am glad that no one on this site is judging your pain or competing to see who has a worse situation. I'm sure I'm not the only one with a similar situation

 

[Michelstaedter]

At some point, I realized that many suffer worse than others, and yes, it seems like a competition to justify winning the grand prize (death). Personally, I'm sorry you've lost those dreams, or from what I understand, they've faded or you haven't achieved them. Sometimes I recall things I once wished for or dreamed of, and perhaps with a little effort or perseverance I would have been able to reach them with my fingers. However, it didn't happen, and instead of feeling depressed, I think I feel indifferent. It's only when I remember and think with nostalgia about those days gone by that I feel somewhat moved, but the indifference I mentioned before immediately returns.

My only dream, if you can call it that, is to be able to find the perfect CTB method, meaning with barbiturates or something that doesn't cause me so much pain. The icing on the cake would be to do it with a girl who feels the same way I do and who "wants to leave this world" with me. It would be sad and ironic, because I wouldn't want someone I care about to die, but deep down it would be a good ending, so as not to reach the point where there's disappointment, dissatisfaction, or heartbreak. So yes, that's my only dream, and although I may not find the perfect method, I will die one day, and that fills me with satisfaction.