Venting Unbearable sense of "hidden" uncertainty

[Coffeandamug]

I have very intense and real thoughts about killing myself. I feel horrible every day. I keep making this "sketch" of a plan in my mind; my preferred method, what I am gonna write in my goodbye notes, how I am going to pay for and set up everything. Living is so incredibly heavy even in the minimum tasks: brushing my teeth feels like climbing Mount Everest and taking a shower feels like a trip to hell every time. There hasn't been a day in my life where things feel "lighter". Yet I don't go through with anything. It's almost like (it's difficult to explain) I am certain that death is what I want but I don't follow through for a reason I can't understand. There seems to be a "hidden uncertainty", at least that's how I'd describe it. I don't feel uncertain but I just procrastinate dying more than anything and keep bouncing my way through life. I keep asking myself if I lack courage or if I secretly want to live, but there is no answer. I keep searching, scrolling down on this forum, thinking but nothing gives me the clarity I desire on this problem. Has anybody gone through this? If so, have you had an "a-ha" moment where you feel an unshakable sense of certainty about death?

 

[DeIetedUser4739]

Going through all of that plus more, it gets worse every day the more I think about how bad life is but I don't get any more courage to make an attempt. It just doesn't feel like a "way out" anymore for some reason.

 

[J&L383]

You're not alone. . You have described the dilemma that most of us face. "To be or not to be . . . "

 

[Coffeandamug]

You're not alone. . You have described the dilemma that most of us face. "To be or not to be . . . "

I really wish I could "see through myself" and to figure this dilemma out. I don't like to in constant uncertainty and with this pain at the same time.

Going through all of that plus more, it gets worse every day the more I think about how bad life is but I don't get any more courage to make an attempt. It just doesn't feel like a "way out" anymore for some reason.

Sometimes I also feel like I am stuck here. I don't believe reality has a "creator" but if it had I would like to punch his fucking testicles... who the hell would create such an unfair and twisted world ?

 

[Not A Fan]

It's an inherited instinct that granted your ancestors reproductive proclivity. From my perspective, it doesn't mean anything, and is an obstacle to be overcome. The way I try to think about it, is whether I die sooner and deliberately, or later, in old age... or even suddenly in a freak accident... the end result is the same. Thus, what exactly are we trying to avoid? If one has made a considered and rational decision that the "costs" of living outweigh the "benefits," then a nagging voice trying to stop you could be considered to be an irrational, vestigial relic. It's not like, by listening to it, you are preventing anything. The entire duration of our lives is an infinitesimally brief disturbance, whether it ends next week or next decade.

I am not encouraging you do to anything. I just have a lot of contempt for the survival instinct, because without it, we wouldn't exist (preferable.)