tragicsurprise
New Member
- Mar 23, 2026
- 2
hello. this is my first post on this website. i apologize for this wall of text
for many months, i have identified with many on here simply by namelessly browsing threads, so i decided to finally create an account and breathe life into the words swirling around in my head.
my life is one of countless let-downs. i am at my wits' end. i was born to two traumatized and harsh individuals. molded by the experiences they grew up with: absent parents, drugs, gang violence... thus, their parenting methods are extreme. i have to succeed in all aspects of life or i face the consequences. consequences that involve separating me from the rest of the world, publicly shaming me, beating me bloody, and hammering my self-worth and confidence into the dirt with their searing words.
it also does not help i present neurodivergent qualities; i do not wish to ignorantly self-diagnose but all signs point to yes. my communication skills are lacking, maybe as a result of my extreme sheltering or the ridicule i've faced when i try to possess a shred of self-confidence. i don't have enough fingers to count the amount of times i have completely insulted others not purposefully simply because i cannot read social cues. i end up beating myself up after these interactions. so many long, tear-filled nights.
my anxiety is through the roof, i constantly fidget and forgivingly pick at my skin till it bleeds. my meltdowns are body-racking. i cry for hours on end. but i make sure to never show the world out of fear.
i cannot control my impulses, which leads me to commit several mistakes that only further dig my grave with my caretakers. i become irresponsible, especially now. because i am so fed up. i'm 18 and i'm still being treated like a troublesome kid.
this leads me to yesterday. where my parents found out i like women. all hell broke loose in my god-fearing household. i was punched and slapped and insulted without break for multiple hours. "you're crazy. you have mental issues. you're traumatized. you hate men. it's your fault our family is like this. stupid bitch." they proceeded to take away my only transportation to get to school and all my devices. and they blocked all my friends and plan on removing my social media.
after that they switched gears and manipulated me with soft words and a hollow "i love you." despite cementing how i'm going to be ruined because i will never be happy in life. how they crudely said a woman will never be able to satisfy me. how they found it absolutely repulsive. and i caved. i believed their words. and i hate myself. because why can't i be normal. no matter how much good i do, it is all overshadowed by one sin. and i hate myself, because i should be fighting for my happiness. instead i'm submitting to a life that will never make me happy. i hate myself because i have always been weak, despite outwardly acting tough. at my core, i am a fucking failure. not strong enough to commit or to stand up for myself. my whole life is a sham, composed of insecurity, sadness, and rage.
and now they want to remove me from school, from the life i've built with my few friends, and haul me away to spain because of a few conspiracy theories. my parents believe the world is going to shit and spain is a safe-haven. how ridiculous is that. im not strong enough to protest that because i know it'll be futile. they'll blame me for the collapse of our family bond, despite the fact it has all gone downhill because of them and their issues.
by moving to spain, they'll provide me with good academics and support me in that front, which is something i want greatly. however is it worth sacrificing my wants just to succeed in a materialistic world. just to have the perfect career, perfect family, perfect husband?
im ashamed to admit this, but i just want to make them happy. isn't that pathetic.
i still believe they make relatively realistic points. such as the fact i will never be able to have biological kids with a woman and that will lead to a whole array of issues with my wife and kids.
i don't know. maybe i have a victim's mentality. they have done this to me for years.
but a little piece of me, a little voice in the back of my head questions leaving. and everyday that voice gets stronger. because if i choose my selfish desires i will only make myself happy, i'll just suffer with the fact that my family hates me. and if i choose to make those around me happy, i please them and i'll be successful but i'll grow to resent myself until my final days.
if i leave, sure i'll disappoint them, but i wont have to deal with this burden that is only going to get harder to carry. can someone shine some light? some hope or a little of their story? or is there truly no hope at the end of the tunnel? i feel so empty.
for many months, i have identified with many on here simply by namelessly browsing threads, so i decided to finally create an account and breathe life into the words swirling around in my head.
my life is one of countless let-downs. i am at my wits' end. i was born to two traumatized and harsh individuals. molded by the experiences they grew up with: absent parents, drugs, gang violence... thus, their parenting methods are extreme. i have to succeed in all aspects of life or i face the consequences. consequences that involve separating me from the rest of the world, publicly shaming me, beating me bloody, and hammering my self-worth and confidence into the dirt with their searing words.
it also does not help i present neurodivergent qualities; i do not wish to ignorantly self-diagnose but all signs point to yes. my communication skills are lacking, maybe as a result of my extreme sheltering or the ridicule i've faced when i try to possess a shred of self-confidence. i don't have enough fingers to count the amount of times i have completely insulted others not purposefully simply because i cannot read social cues. i end up beating myself up after these interactions. so many long, tear-filled nights.
my anxiety is through the roof, i constantly fidget and forgivingly pick at my skin till it bleeds. my meltdowns are body-racking. i cry for hours on end. but i make sure to never show the world out of fear.
i cannot control my impulses, which leads me to commit several mistakes that only further dig my grave with my caretakers. i become irresponsible, especially now. because i am so fed up. i'm 18 and i'm still being treated like a troublesome kid.
this leads me to yesterday. where my parents found out i like women. all hell broke loose in my god-fearing household. i was punched and slapped and insulted without break for multiple hours. "you're crazy. you have mental issues. you're traumatized. you hate men. it's your fault our family is like this. stupid bitch." they proceeded to take away my only transportation to get to school and all my devices. and they blocked all my friends and plan on removing my social media.
after that they switched gears and manipulated me with soft words and a hollow "i love you." despite cementing how i'm going to be ruined because i will never be happy in life. how they crudely said a woman will never be able to satisfy me. how they found it absolutely repulsive. and i caved. i believed their words. and i hate myself. because why can't i be normal. no matter how much good i do, it is all overshadowed by one sin. and i hate myself, because i should be fighting for my happiness. instead i'm submitting to a life that will never make me happy. i hate myself because i have always been weak, despite outwardly acting tough. at my core, i am a fucking failure. not strong enough to commit or to stand up for myself. my whole life is a sham, composed of insecurity, sadness, and rage.
and now they want to remove me from school, from the life i've built with my few friends, and haul me away to spain because of a few conspiracy theories. my parents believe the world is going to shit and spain is a safe-haven. how ridiculous is that. im not strong enough to protest that because i know it'll be futile. they'll blame me for the collapse of our family bond, despite the fact it has all gone downhill because of them and their issues.
by moving to spain, they'll provide me with good academics and support me in that front, which is something i want greatly. however is it worth sacrificing my wants just to succeed in a materialistic world. just to have the perfect career, perfect family, perfect husband?
im ashamed to admit this, but i just want to make them happy. isn't that pathetic.
i still believe they make relatively realistic points. such as the fact i will never be able to have biological kids with a woman and that will lead to a whole array of issues with my wife and kids.
i don't know. maybe i have a victim's mentality. they have done this to me for years.
but a little piece of me, a little voice in the back of my head questions leaving. and everyday that voice gets stronger. because if i choose my selfish desires i will only make myself happy, i'll just suffer with the fact that my family hates me. and if i choose to make those around me happy, i please them and i'll be successful but i'll grow to resent myself until my final days.
if i leave, sure i'll disappoint them, but i wont have to deal with this burden that is only going to get harder to carry. can someone shine some light? some hope or a little of their story? or is there truly no hope at the end of the tunnel? i feel so empty.
