Twitchy and peaceful at the same time

[pete_x]

I know how i got here but have no clue.
I going through moments where i have to fight to stop from laughing.
Everything has an aura, that shiny ethereal sun sparkle thing.
I threw my phone against the wall.
my cello sounds sour.
i snapped a little this morning and i'm feeling electric.
my hands keep curling and my jaw keeps clenching, my teeth are destroyed.
my guts are twisted and my eyes are bulging a little.
feeling like removing an eye would be an improvement.

still, the sun is up
the colours are beautiful
i don't know if i'm going to make it.
i want to go now. right now.
but i can't, but i want to but i can't
i can feel the split

in spite of all that i feel peaceful
and it's freaking me out.

and now i'm crying again

I fucking love this song


this too

I think i'm having a break, i want it to be one of the fun ones.
you know, i spend the majority of my life in silence, it bugs me.
all the times i could have said useful or helpful things, when lee killed himself i was 14 which was a year before i ended up in state hospital.
i admit, i kind of knew something was wrong, but i didn't say anything because nobody would listen anyway. i wasn't suprised when my sister came racing down the driveway wailing on the horn and screaming. i didn't feel anything.
my oldest oldest memory was from my crib, i remember grabbing on to different bars just for the cool feel against my hand, but i also remember the ceiling against my back and then falling face first down into my crib, there's a suffocating feeling that comes with that one. while i know of at least three times my adoptive father tried to kill me, i don't know if this was him too, or my one of my biologicals.
he actually locked me outside in the middle of winter and forced me to chip dogshit out of the ice in the driveway. he left me in a car in the summer, i rember him scared and pulling me out of the car, felt like i was in their for days. the bad one happened after he took me to meet one of his girlfriends and i blabbed, iwas a KID GOD DAMMIT. anyway me and my brothers were running around the house playing, to keep it short on the last circuit around our "racetrack" he opened the basement door and left it open, i came around the corner and went slamming down the basement stair like a rocket, that hurt alot. i know it was him becasue while mom and my sister where in the kitchen calling the doctor after getting me out of the basement and onto the couch in the living room, he came in the from door and stared at me and said something i will never repeat. and that's how i knew the other times weren't accidents.
one time he made walk up and down the stairs for hours, when i was young i apparently had rickets or something like it, my legs burned and burned, they still do now. when i was home i would stay curled up in bed or hiding, the dark was so soothing and the things i could see in it were scary but amazing.
that's why i see blood when people treat kids bad. YOU DON'T DO THAT!!!!!!!!!!!! it fucking sick.
i killed him with a spell.
the last words we had were bad, i won't repeat what i said, but something real and visceral and tangible lept out of me and slammed into him, he felt it too, i was happy. his eyes bugged out and he ran upstairs, and i had another breakdown. In hospital about 6 days after the call came. He broke his back from a fall. 4 days later he was dead. i don't know how i feel about that. after the funeral something started showing up and stalking me, i slept with lights on for a long time after that.
if there really is a god, i'm pretty sure that i am damned.
i never told anybody any of this, so they all think i'm just crazy. i really want to go, but i can't.
i don't know how mom would react, she's a strong woman though i don't think she knows it.
am i holding out for her sake or for hope or for fear? fuck if i know, ijust want to go, but i can't.
there has to be a good joke in this somewhere because the poetry of it would be awful =P
And that's my time folks ! I'll be hear all week, avoid the veal. xD

 

[pete_x]

Journaling while holding....

So, i think mom knows my plans.
We've both been alive long enough to know life
after the varnish has worn off. Not that that's helpful.

I think my "sister" the snake is realizing her longevity depends on my mood on The day.
I think she also realizes that antagonizing a mentally ill person is actually a crime.
At least i'm pretty sure it is. Not that that seems to mean anything anyway.

There are things i expect.
Malice and bigotry, check.
It's not my fault my eyes are fucked and i always look like i'm staring daggers at people,
even with glasses.

I expect the chumminess that masks ulterior motives.

What i didn't think was that at my age i would still be suffering some form of abuse.
I weather/adjust because i have had enough life experience now to be able to do so.
HOWEVER, contrary to stupid "white" "conservative" "opinion", no one should be getting over
children killing children.
In language that you "godly" fools can understand, "That way lies damnation."

None of these thoughts being internet timely, are as such apparently
irrelevant ?

In the light of time's insufferable nature, I suppose that's true.

Why did i have to be to ask the question ?

 

[Hopeindeath!]

I am so sorry for all the abuse you went through. I'm sending you a hug.

 

[Sadkitty]

I just don't know what to say.

 

[Weightoftheworld]

I'm so sorry for all the trauma it appears you went through, I truly hope you find peace in whatever way you can.
On a lighter note, that first bit reminds me of when I have a seizure. Well, maybe that isn't lighter, I just have a morbid sense of humor.

 

[pete_x]

I'm so sorry for all the trauma it appears you went through, I truly hope you find peace in whatever way you can.
On a lighter note, that first bit reminds me of when I have a seizure. Well, maybe that isn't lighter, I just have a morbid sense of humor.

Hi , can you tell me more about your experience with seizures, mainly onset/warning signs? After my final experiences with big M medicine in general, i stay away from doctors at all costs.
I don't know if it's abscence seizures or bouts of catatonia like conditions. I've been told either or both by numerous doctors. Are ther other "tells", meaning i've never pissed myself, if that's a good sign to go by ? Some of my family are still looking at me like i have threed heads after my last major episode. In the interest of full disclosure, i am asking because i wonder if there's a mean to time so i drop while i'm walking down the road for example. I'm not opposed to a plan B that will appear to be an accident/natural causes. Currently my passive method is to neglect the situations with my heart and lung with gusto.

 

[Weightoftheworld]

Seizures are so complex and there's so many different kinds, it's different for everyone. Personally, before I have a seizure, I get really nauseous and lightheaded, my heart rate drops significantly and I pass out. I have grand mal seizures though, so full body, although it appears I have partials too. I've had to learn what my triggers are and to avoid them, I also take keppra twice a day, it's an anti epileptic. Loss of bowel/bladder control varies with each person, not that I recall has it happened to me, but when I have an episode I have multiple seizures and have to go to the hospital so I'm usually cathed.

 

[pete_x]

Seizures are so complex and there's so many different kinds, it's different for everyone. Personally, before I have a seizure, I get really nauseous and lightheaded, my heart rate drops significantly and I pass out. I have grand mal seizures though, so full body, although it appears I have partials too. I've had to learn what my triggers are and to avoid them, I also take keppra twice a day, it's an anti epileptic. Loss of bowel/bladder control varies with each person, not that I recall has it happened to me, but when I have an episode I have multiple seizures and have to go to the hospital so I'm usually cathed.

Thank you, that explains alot about why my doctors over the years couldn't say anything definitive.

 

[pete_x]

A Little Bit of Lunacy...

OK true story, i'm feeling gleeful/giddy and here's the short form of the story:

My nephew's son gave me a lovely barbecue chicken sandwhich, which i then threw at
my nephew's head for calling me old.

Fun part is my nephew tends to be country musicin', flag wavin', kool-aid drinkin, gosh durn
proud.

Having a sandwich thrown at his head by his occasionally crazy uncle seemed to take him
down a peg. xD

So my nephew went in for the night, at which point I had the most enjoyable conversation
I've ever had with my nephew's son. So, naturally i am now obligated to figure out
how to play the devil went down to georgia on my cello because he wants to learn the crunchy
part on guitar. Progress !!!

Who the fuck figured ?

So knowing my relationship with the universe, I've probably got dick cancer.
Because everything has to be an adventure.

 

[pete_x]

Journaling while holding...

i have a wierd thought in my head that
A: I need to learn to spell weird.

and
B: At check-out remember.

That is all.

State of Mind Movie Suggestions:

Tideland
Aimy In A Cage

They're both on Tubi

 

[pete_x]

 

[pete_x]

 

[FusRohDracarys]

after the funeral something started showing up and stalking me, i slept with lights on for a long time after that.

I'm coming in from out conversation on another thread... This caught my eye. Do you still feel like something is following you? I presume you meant something spiritual/otherworldly.

 

[pete_x]

I want it to come back, i feel stalked from time to time. No this was real.

 

[FusRohDracarys]

I want it to come back, i feel stalked from time to time. No this was real.

So like a person or animal? Not like a ghost or something?

 

[pete_x]

A rail thin figure with dreadlocks and crescent moons for eyes and mouth, slightly reflective, rock solid and strong. It was still in my bed looking at me when i jumped out.

 

[FusRohDracarys]

A rail thin figure with dreadlocks and crescent moons for eyes and mouth, slightly reflective, rock solid and strong. It was still in my bed looking at me when i jumped out.

That's pretty creepy. Sounds Slenderman-ish.

 

[pete_x]

Yeah but i'm used to creepy at this point. Mainly i want to talk to it and find out who it is.

 

[pete_x]

So, i told my friend today about what's been going on with me. She got it but didn't take it well. We're going to get out for a bit tomorrow and try to pretend we're enjoying life. I'm an ass. I had to tell someone. I almost let it slip to mom last night.
I hate it here.

Good tune.

 

[pete_x]

Daylight imprisoning me, all that...
no, that's not right. hmm.
Ah!
[ahem...]

The sun rises to spite me
What day will this be ?

The coin spins and bounces and spins and bounces
real trippy-like, i can almost count it.

ahhhh that noblest-ish of winds
that economically sweeps across plains/ranges

whispering spittle and concrete poetry of promise
that nothing ever changes.

and so i write shit like this;

Well blow me down,
a cross-eyed clown!
Said a can of yams whilst
touring through Spain.

If i had a bucket to spit,
I'd sorely say frak-it and quit,
whilst watching my brine wash away
with the rain.

i'd like to see a solar eclipse before i die,
[sigh...]




the following is by a poet i met in my travels:

Whet!

A barefoot danse
On the manna of Time.
A Manitou trance—
Wicked, divine!

Dance luscious dryad
In the mists of the Meadow;
Divulge earthy secret—
Drink of the Rainbow!

Leap in to frenzy!
The hunger of Green…
Shriek! in swollen, pulsing pleasure—
Ignite this Pagan dream!

Transcend the prudent, cardboard empire,
Liberate your blood!
Curse the ancient frost of Fear…
And watch me as I vomit mud!


©Robert Milby
April, 1991

 

[pete_x]

Beware False Couplets !!!

that there jesus be a tasty snack
i keep some bits in an old rucksack

i cart him down to the bodega to flip some stamps
and curse his abs when i'm wracked and cramped

i see his sillouhette in stains and places
where fools doth rut with bloody chins and pious faces

father forgive me but that fabric is tight
perhaps i should linger and play for you tonight

but ding ding ding it's time for zeal with a side of unreal
but my that there jesus is a tasty meal !



This should be in this journal,

The ones that scared me.

When i was a kid about 9 or 10, my mothers poodle, an evil little beast, would regularly go under my bed and keep me awake making gross dog noises, and that damned collar. Finally i had enough and went after it. She was backed up against the wall and growling at me, and when i reached for her she bit me. I walked from my room down the hall to my parents door and knocked to wake up mom so she could get her dog. When she opened the door the dog was behind her looking at me.

I woke up from a nightmare once and had three long bloody scratches from the base of my scalp down to the middle of my shoulder blades. mom said i did it to myself but i always kept my nails short.The scratches stung for days.

Another wake up, i saw a tall thin elderly white man in sweater and slacks walk out of a wall and disappear on the other side of the small hall connecting my room and my brothers'. I got up to follow the man and when i turned the corner to look in the recess of the small hall, my mother votive candles had exploded and flames were crawling up the wall to the ceiling.

About ten years ago we had relations up from P.R. , my aunt and her husband [not my uncle just to be dickish about it]
it was the first time i had met the man, it was at the bottom of the stairs of the new house, when i looked him in the eye i realized he was going to die soon, i freak silently most of the time and as such proceeded to do so. About 2 days later he began to die in moms bed and did die by the time he got to the hospital, it was some kind of intenstinal thing.'

In the old house [kid again] i would lose hours sometimes when the secadas would start buzzing [chirping?]
The sun used to shine weird into the dining room and the light reflecting of the chandelier always moved wrong, i don't know how else to describe that one.

In the back yard of the old house i just knew the spot to dig and found tons of small ceramic dolls that belonged to the old woman who used to own the house.

In state hospital when i was taken my birthday walk with my shrink we sat down on a bench and i realized i knew what was in the building across the way and she confirmed it. That sounds a little thin but it's what came before that that explained the ease of acceptance she displayed. earlier that month i had been called into her office without explanaition, and when she asked if i knew why i had been called there, i said without hesitation, "My biological mother is dead." My shrink visibly freaked but kept her composure. When she asked if i knew how i said, "Heroin overdose." She looked at me for a bit and then asked how did i know. i said, "I just know, can i go now?"
It was this one that got me and got me thinking and listening more.

There are others but even diamonds loose their lustre.



I would like to come back as a 6'2" sentient cheeseburger with an impressive package, a cape and job security.

 

[madgod]

Beware False Couplets !!!

that there jesus be a tasty snack
i keep some bits in an old rucksack

i cart him down to the bodega to flip some stamps
and curse his abs when i'm wracked and cramped

i see his sillouhette in stains and places
where fools doth rut with bloody chins and pious faces

father forgive me but that fabric is tight
perhaps i should linger and play for you tonight

but ding ding ding it's time for zeal with a side of unreal
but my that there jesus is a tasty meal !



This should be in this journal,

The ones that scared me.

When i was a kid about 9 or 10, my mothers poodle, an evil little beast, would regularly go under my bed and keep me awake making gross dog noises, and that damned collar. Finally i had enough and went after it. She was backed up against the wall and growling at me, and when i reached for her she bit me. I walked from my room down the hall to my parents door and knocked to wake up mom so she could get her dog. When she opened the door the dog was behind her looking at me.

I woke up from a nightmare once and had three long bloody scratches from the base of my scalp down to the middle of my shoulder blades. mom said i did it to myself but i always kept my nails short.The scratches stung for days.

Another wake up, i saw a tall thin elderly white man in sweater and slacks walk out of a wall and disappear on the other side of the small hall connecting my room and my brothers'. I got up to follow the man and when i turned the corner to look in the recess of the small hall, my mother votive candles had exploded and flames were crawling up the wall to the ceiling.

About ten years ago we had relations up from P.R. , my aunt and her husband [not my uncle just to be dickish about it]
it was the first time i had met the man, it was at the bottom of the stairs of the new house, when i looked him in the eye i realized he was going to die soon, i freak silently most of the time and as such proceeded to do so. About 2 days later he began to die in moms bed and did die by the time he got to the hospital, it was some kind of intenstinal thing.'

In the old house [kid again] i would lose hours sometimes when the secadas would start buzzing [chirping?]
The sun used to shine weird into the dining room and the light reflecting of the chandelier always moved wrong, i don't know how else to describe that one.

In the back yard of the old house i just knew the spot to dig and found tons of small ceramic dolls that belonged to the old woman who used to own the house.

In state hospital when i was taken my birthday walk with my shrink we sat down on a bench and i realized i knew what was in the building across the way and she confirmed it. That sounds a little thin but it's what came before that that explained the ease of acceptance she displayed. earlier that month i had been called into her office without explanaition, and when she asked if i knew why i had been called there, i said without hesitation, "My biological mother is dead." My shrink visibly freaked but kept her composure. When she asked if i knew how i said, "Heroin overdose." She looked at me for a bit and then asked how did i know. i said, "I just know, can i go now?"
It was this one that got me and got me thinking and listening more.

There are others but even diamonds loose their lustre.



I would like to come back as a 6'2" sentient cheeseburger with an impressive package, a cape and job security.

strange how close one can dance with death all their lives while shunned to say you wish you and death were closer.

 

[pete_x]

Well it remains the great unknown, and that inspires fear, loathing, and an unwelcome humility i think.

 

[madgod]

Well it remains the great unknown, and that inspires fear, loathing, and an unwelcome humility i think.

maybe even a sense of hope

 

[pete_x]

 

[pete_x]

Five Ways to Kill a Man

There are many cumbersome ways to kill a man.
You can make him carry a plank of wood
to the top of a hill and nail him to it.
To do this properly you require a crowd of people
wearing sandals, a cock that crows, a cloak
to dissect, a sponge, some vinegar and one
man to hammer the nails home.

Or you can take a length of steel,
shaped and chased in a traditional way,
and attempt to pierce the metal cage he wears.
But for this you need white horses,
English trees, men with bows and arrows,
at least two flags, a prince, and a
castle to hold your banquet in.

Dispensing with nobility, you may, if the wind
allows, blow gas at him. But then you need
a mile of mud sliced through with ditches,
not to mention black boots, bomb craters,
more mud, a plague of rats, a dozen songs
and some round hats made of steel.

In an age of aeroplanes, you may fly
miles above your victim and dispose of him by
pressing one small switch. All you then
require is an ocean to separate you, two
systems of government, a nation's scientists,
several factories, a psychopath and
land that no-one needs for several years.

These are, as I began, cumbersome ways to kill a man.
Simpler, direct, and much more neat is to see
that he is living somewhere in the middle
of the twentieth century, and leave him there.

Edwin Brock

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In case anyone's curious, this is my note. My thought process is fractured and so i thought my note should reflect that. I't more an offering to the cosmos that to my family.


Is rage the ultimate emotion or the death of all emotion ?

 

[pete_x]

Two kids on a bridge...

I still remember just wanting to brush his hair away from his eye just so i could touch his cheek.
I was already ugly and defeated, he was beautiful, and actually wanted to be friends.

We would fish with potato chips and cheese doodles, yes that actually worked.
I never looked at him directly, eyes just transmit too much.
I would actually lose my breath sometimes just brushing hands.

I can't remember his name or the things we talked about.
The above memory of him is all i have left.

I learned about real true hatred on that bridge.
The car came up behind us and screeched to a stop.
The man rolled down his window and called me over. I'm a moron.

I barely got to the window when the man started screaming at me things i will never repeat.
He grabbed me by my shirt and spit it my face and drove off leaving me in what was probably
my first real break.

That beautiful boy, my friend, now fully aware that we were different, looked to the ground
shuffled his feet, stammered out something i can't remember [i'm sure he was trying to be kind]
and left. We never spoke to each other again.

I walked home in a weird bloody haze with spit and tears on my face. I ran upstairs,
washed up, and thought that my neck would look better with a scar across it.

I had my first breakdown at dinner. I told them what happened and NOBODY BELIEVED ME.
To shame me, my adoptive father insisted on taking me to the pigs to file a report.
They laughed at me. I was 9.

I don't relive this every day anymore but, many days i do.

I offload this stuff here to get it out of my head for a while.
I wish i could remember his name. That's probably the saddest part to me.

 

[pete_x]

12:61 am Cinderella vs Skeletor

enter our dashing emaciated princess
poundeth-ing pavement like nobody's buisiness

this way and that a little loose in the ass
but well formed in the pass

my sweet daniel if that was his name
had but one card in the game

tu y yo. he liked them mocha and slow
i think the rest, well, you know...

we got close once, my hand at his hip
the brush of my lips

he didn't want me
dissed by a whore [basically]

still, i think he'd look good
in something slinky


Note from the Editor:

We at Fufflehaus and Blatherton Publishing
In no way condone, endorse or partake in the liberal and
random distribution of blowjobs to strangers.
That is all.

Fight the power !!!

Go Bears !

where did i leave my coffee ?

 

[NorthernStar]

OMG these guys! Last year, everyone at work started watching the alien skits from Sesame Street again. I remember as a five-year-old being entertained okay but now that I'm old, it's fucking hilarious!

I love the one where they try to talk to the phone. Tho everyone thinks this one's the best - it's just so perfectly written:

Go Bears !

SO WEIRD to see Nick Foles on the team. It can only help the Bears' offense tho. Also Tyler Bray was born like 40 min from my hometown. His town was slightly less shitty than mine.

 

[pete_x]

close to "church" as i get




B, dunno where you are but i'd like to see you again.
Message to the universe postage due.
Because let's be honest
you owe me too.


and just cuz