Venting TW: The dichotomy of my main reason to keep living

[DerezzMyself143]

I'm on another recovery episode, I think. Still anxious about many things. But... strangely and as contradictory as it sounds... My main reason to keep living is, ironically, the main reason I wanted to ctb.

As I mentioned in previous posts, I'm a non-offending pedophile. I tend to hate myself on a daily basis because of my attraction and the justified stigma against it. For years I self-isolated myself from society out of fear and my body is full of scars I did with my own nails because of how much I hate myself. Sometimes I think I'd rather die than hurt a child and that's why I attempted suicide many, many times.

But... strangely, children are also the main reason I want to keep living. And no, it's not because of my terrible thoughts. Rather... the joyful ones. Just the idea of seeing them happy, living a healthy childhood and protecting their smiles gives me a purpose in this doomed world. My maternal instinct is surprisingly strong, even more so now that I'm on HRT, so it prevents me for even thinking of doing anything wrong with an actual child. I don't see them on a predatory way, I genuinely love them. And, as weird as it sounds, I would love to work with them in the future. Maybe as a teacher or mentor of some sorts, I want to have a positive impact on their lifes.

I know that society would want me dead, which is why I keep to myself and only to myself the bad part of my pedophilia. But I really think I can't be completely isolated from children. No one can, really. And helping them overcome their hardships in life and guiding them towards a better future is a healthy way to interact with them.

As for my sexual desires, my body pillow has been very helpful when I'm feeling sad and it satisfies me well enough. I don't need anything more extreme and I'm glad that at least I have the morality of limiting myself to loli art. I've been trying to focus on other hobbies too: art, history and videogames. It's been really therapeutic and I wish I'd learned these coping strategies sooner.

The world is a dark place, even more so for people like me. But as long as I continue following the right path, the non-offending path, I can coexist with them without harming them or myself.

I know this is a sensitive topic, hence why I put the trigger warning in the title. But really... I love children. The people who hate me and I share the same goal: to protect their innocence. In the end, our actions are what defines us as persons.

"What is better - to be born good, or to overcome your evil nature through great effort?"

 

[Namelesa]

I understand this totally as someone who suffers like you. Honestly I had thoughts of working with children too but I don't think I would be able to just cus of not being able to look after myself and me being childish myself. The closest I have had to experience something like taking care of a child is being a caregiver to a previous friend who age regressed and that was a lovely thing for me as I felt like a proud mother taking care of a child.

Just cus you are a pedophile doesn't mean you going to exploit children if you are with them. Most pedophilles are actually non-offending and can be with children without harming them (for example some have children and they don't harm them.) You are really good for using non immoral means of satisfying these desires and to use other things to distract you from them. You really good person for wanting to benefit children's lives while dealing with this.

Just wondering are you exclusively attracted to children or you also attracted to adults as well?