Venting Tw for drug use and self harm but end of life vent?

[kitkatt]

I haven't cut myself in 5 or so years i believe but my memory is so shot to shit I'm not sure lol I I'm also high off giggly gas I could purchase legally at the store which could also potentially help me ctb apparently which is kinda ironic right now. I wanna vent about how I plan to ctb at the end of this year and why. I've really tried man I've tried to be positive I've tried putting good into the world I've tried trusting people no matter what I do it's always wrong no one will ever want me the way I yearn for neither of my parents loved me you know why would anyone else want to? The one friend I can actually talk to said it best I'm like an abused dog I may not bite but I'm reactionary. I'm scared I know that everyone will leave me eventually all while watching everyone close to me have their very own person. I've just always been an outsider I don't know if it's purely the trauma or just being neurodivergent. I don't know? I started drug use so early due to my mother forcing me to take medications for her to keep her prescriptions which led to me smoking weed which thank god for weeed (even though I don't believe in her lol) so that I couldn't pass her piss tests anymore little did I know that would lead to her introducing other drugs to me later :( don't even get me started on my dad he was and is the biggest piece of shit that ever existed but I'm also tired of living to spite people too lol anyway I know this is all very cynical and I apologize but that's how I view and cope with things but thank you so much for even reading this if you you do I know it's kinda all over the place I'm doing my best alright back to the plot on my vent here I'm gonna end this year I'm not doing another holiday alone or over with friends because I'm tired of being the feral fucking possum outside nobody wants. I don't want to teach anyone else what slubbung is and I don't want to feel like I'm home with someone when I'm not. (I'll tell yall about slubbing if you ask of course just metaphorically) I'm tired of being an animal with red tape and warnings when all I've ever wanted was just one person. But oh fucking well my very last contingency plan failed and I'm going to end it around the holidays this year. It's always been my least favorite time of year and most others most so I think it's perfect. It'll also help most with my si because that time of years when I'm at my lowest. I'm going to tell everyone that matters (very few can use my fingies to count them) that I'm taking a vacation before I peace right off this plane of existence. I can't do it anymore man this shit is so ass. Not even drugs or alcohol help anymore nothing helps anymore my life's falling apart and I can't control anything but one thing how it ends. Again apologies for how all over the place I am I'm fucked up venting about how I'm going to end it while I've basically relapsed on one of the things that can end it. And as much as I love it for it what it does I also hate it because I hate being seen or perceived incorrectly because I'm being deprived of oxygen in my brain cells but lol teehee I'm only using the shit in the first place because my mind's always going at 1000 with 40 open browsers so this is still me just without everything else screaming in the background :3 thanks for reading/listening to me rant I appreciate it