Trying to Overcome SI

[Exhausted-and-Alone]

Hey everyone. I know this is a pretty popular question to ask, but I'm trying to overcome SI.

A lot of the answers I'm reading is either taking Xanax or some other sedative. Thing is I don't have any access to Xanax or any other sedative that I can think of. I can't drink as I have a liver issue that causes me to be in pain or vomit whenever I drink too fast (I can down maybe one drink in an hour… and it only has like one or two shots).

I just don't know what else to do besides do what I have been, which is unloading my pistol and dry firing it into my head so I can hear the click. Resetting it, then doing it again. I'll do this over and over and over again all night long. But last Wednesday when I finally put a 9mm hollow in the chamber and put it against my head, I heard the spring strain as it started getting ready to fire, but pussed out right at the moment of truth.

I've been depressed for years - but suicidal only for a few months. I haven't felt like I've had enough sleep since before I was a teen. I've let people walk all over me, use and abuse me mentally, emotionally, physically. I've lied and cheated and tbh, I could continue on with this story that I'm sure you all have heard time and time again, but I wouldn't want to waste your time. I just want it to be over, to have the strength to say I'm done, instead of being a fucking pussy in death like I was in life.

Any advice?

 

[TwoWaysOnly]

I just don't know what else to do besides do what I have been, which is unloading my pistol and dry firing it into my head so I can hear the click. Resetting it, then doing it again. I'll do this over and over and over again all night long. But last Wednesday when I finally put a 9mm hollow in the chamber and put it against my head, I heard the spring strain as it started getting ready to fire, but pussed out right at the moment of truth.

I'm not a board certified psychologist, but I would predict this form of treatment to have low efficacy in reducing SI.

I've been depressed for years - but suicidal only for a few months. I haven't felt like I've had enough sleep since before I was a teen. I've let people walk all over me, use and abuse me mentally, emotionally, physically. I've lied and cheated and tbh, I could continue on with this story that I'm sure you all have heard time and time again, but I wouldn't want to waste your time. I just want it to be over, to have the strength to say I'm done, instead of being a fucking pussy in death like I was in life.

About the sleep, does that mean you feel low energy ? Unfocused ?

I hope you get better man, I think there are many things you could try. I would reduce all external obligations and stressors first of all, do what is necessary, but understand that you need to get better as a priority. There is so much one could write and your post is also quite vague, which is not a bad thing. So I would just give a few options and you can try if it helps.

- talk to someone about what you are experiencing, not for answers, just to express it. could be a hotline or could be a close person
- change your diet, sounds very basic, but it can have strong effects, first route would be to eliminate everything that contains added sugar, really go basic,
vegetables, meat, cheese, eggs - no brands/logos (nutrition is controversial, you may ignore my advice and follow a different diet)
- exert yourself physically
- set yourself one goal a day, that you do not want to do, but is productive, it does not have to be a large task, but one that you don;t want to do


Good luck man, if you want to talk, write me a message

 

[Exhausted-and-Alone]

I'm not a board certified psychologist, but I would predict this form of treatment to have low efficacy in reducing SI.



About the sleep, does that mean you feel low energy ? Unfocused ?

I hope you get better man, I think there are many things you could try. I would reduce all external obligations and stressors first of all, do what is necessary, but understand that you need to get better as a priority. There is so much one could write and your post is also quite vague, which is not a bad thing. So I would just give a few options and you can try if it helps.

- talk to someone about what you are experiencing, not for answers, just to express it. could be a hotline or could be a close person
- change your diet, sounds very basic, but it can have strong effects, first route would be to eliminate everything that contains added sugar, really go basic,
vegetables, meat, cheese, eggs - no brands/logos (nutrition is controversial, you may ignore my advice and follow a different diet)
- exert yourself physically
- set yourself one goal a day, that you do not want to do, but is productive, it does not have to be a large task, but one that you don;t want to do


Good luck man, if you want to talk, write me a message

Honestly man, I feel more like it's a cry for help than actually helping lowering SI. As of right now I'm trying to work on my liquor tolerance.

As for sleep, yeah, I just wake up feeling just as tired as I did the night previously. I don't feel rested, don't feel awake, just present. This is despite me getting about 8 hours every night. I'll be straight, I thought this was normal for everyone until my mom told me to try increasing my vitamin intake and my doctor recommended a sleep study.

As for everything else I guess it's just trauma. As a teen I was SA'd by another teen, I repressed those memories until I did EMDR work with a therapist as an adult and I… had a very rough few months.

This was on top of me going online as a kid, trying to talk people out of suicide because I was a snot-nosed brat who was convinced he could take the world's problems on. They wanted help, I tried giving them help, they died anyways and I was left alone. I was so obsessed with being a hero when all I did was be selfish and immature.

I developed an ED and lost fifty pounds in two months. I was in the best shape of my life and I wish I had that discipline still. I wish. I'm so pudgy now it's not even funny. I developed suicidal behaviors and self harm as a coping mechanism and even after my family found out they refused to help me in any meaningful way - instead they just convinced me I was doing it for attention and sent me to a priest to pray it out. I still think I'm doing this for attention to some degree.

I know realistically there's a few things I could do to help my situation. Every professional I've ever talked to pushed me towards hospitalization, that's without me being honest because I'm afraid of being committed. I've got insurance, I could pay for the treatment, but I couldn't pay rent, my car payment, insurance, utilities etc. My fiancé has offered to work more OT since my job no longer offers it and it could help pay for everything, but that's so damn hard, I won't put that responsibility on him.

Besides that I could do journaling, I could work out, I could try eating better, but most of my day is spent at work and I don't have the time or energy to do much else besides work, hurt myself and sleep. I haven't even really cleaned my apartment in several months… I've been trying, I really have. I've put my nose to the ground and scrubbed rooms, but I can't keep it clean because I'll have like one episode of just trying to clean, or eat right, or work out, and then I'll just be too exhausted to keep up with it.

I'm trying. But I've been trying for years to feel more than just anger and mild melancholy, and now it's not just mild anymore. And I'm frustrated that it's happening again because I swore I wasn't going to feel this way again, that I'd be better. But I'm not better and I know now that even if I somehow survive this, I'll be doing this all over again in a few years from now.

I'm just at my wits end, man. I've been so drunk on my own self-hate that I'm not even sure if I want to get better because a large part of me does, emphatically want to kill myself. I have never wanted to hurt, or have hurt someone as much as I have myself. At the same time, I know some part of me, however big or small, wants to keep trying to survive and I hate them both equally because neither one will let me commit to either choice.

Thanks for listening to my TED talk lol