Trying not to relapse into self harm

[burninghill]

I've been struggling with a previous addiction to DPH which has been resurfaced by insomnia. Now I can't stop thinking about cutting myself.

The only reason I stopped cutting myself is because I reached the fat in my arm. A big reason I kept going is because I wanted to feel like my cuts were deep enough and once I reached that point it stopped being interesting, I didn't have anything to work up to unless I wanted to reach muscle or bone or something. I'd shave my arms in sections and everything for it so that I could get the best cuts.

I'd also do it largely for attention, before events mostly. I stopped because cleaning it up is such a hassle and I had to leave the house to get rid of the bloody tissues covered with black ink in a bin bag so that my family wouldn't find it.

I don't know exactly what's triggered it this time, but when I threw away a lot of my self harm stuff, I kept the razors and the blade handle I used to tape them to. I just got the handle out again and I'm trying hard not to use it. I'm really struggling.

Last time I really cut myself was late last year with a few instances between then and now. I've cut myself on and off for 6 years and haven't been caught for around 5.5 years.

 

[meowpuppy]

im kind of at the opposite right now.. i have an urge to self-harm for the first time in my life and it's hard not to give in..

 

[OnnanokoNiNaritai]

I have seen you struggle on a previous post too. I curently also self harn and im trying to stop it. I know how hard it feels but all i can do is telling you that even if it feels impossible u still need to try

im kind of at the opposite right now.. i have an urge to self-harm for the first time in my life and it's hard not to give in..

Do not
It is not worth it at all
It will make your problems worse, let others worried about you and can potentialy take u to the hospital.
Trust me.
If you want to self harm go distract yourself whit something else, im here if u need it

 

[meowpuppy]

I have seen you struggle on a previous post too. I curently also self harn and im trying to stop it. I know how hard it feels but all i can do is telling you that even if it feels impossible u still need to try

Do not
It is not worth it at all
It will make your problems worse, let others worried about you and can potentialy take u to the hospital.
Trust me.
If you want to self harm go distract yourself whit something else, im here if u need it

i know but ugh

i really really want to do it and what little distractions i have aren't working well, not to distract me from the urge, but from my constant depression and anxiety. almost had two panic attacks today because its my birthday and the party made me really anxious and the lack of meaningful gifts reinforced my long-held belief that nobody knows how to love me or worse nobody understands me at even a basic level

EDIT: or should we move this to dms because i feel bad about this

 

[burninghill]

im kind of at the opposite right now.. i have an urge to self-harm for the first time in my life and it's hard not to give in..

Hi! I've actually read some of your posts and seen you around a bit :) it's nice to meet you.

Definitely don't. I mean, everyone will tell you that, but for me it's been a lifelong addiction. I started when I was 14. I cut on my lower and upper arms, but I get urges to cut my hands and face, the more visible the better. It's a really terrible thing and almost impossible to get out of if you don't have a healthy support system.

Once you start, it's hard to stop and you'll start to crave it to harsher and harsher extremes.

Try to stay strong for a little while longer.

i really really want to do it and what little distractions i have aren't working well, not to distract me from the urge, but from my constant depression and anxiety. almost had two panic attacks today because its my birthday and the party made me really anxious and the lack of meaningful gifts reinforced my long-held belief that nobody knows how to love me or worse nobody understands me at even a basic level

I am the same way, but I promise that you will find people out there who care for you and understand you if you open yourself up and allow them to do so. I know it sounds really corny but in a world with billions of people, yours are out there somewhere.

 

[meowpuppy]

Hi! I've actually read some of your posts and seen you around a bit :) it's nice to meet you.

Definitely don't. I mean, everyone will tell you that, but for me it's been a lifelong addiction. I started when I was 14. I cut on my lower and upper arms, but I get urges to cut my hands and face, the more visible the better. It's a really terrible thing and almost impossible to get out of if you don't have a healthy support system.

Once you start, it's hard to stop and you'll start to crave it to harsher and harsher extremes.

Try to stay strong for a little while longer.

I am the same way, but I promise that you will find people out there who care for you and understand you if you open yourself up and allow them to do so. I know it sounds really corny but in a world with billions of people, yours are out there somewhere.

oh my gosh hii i've seen you around too when i was a lurker

im trying not to but ugh i think my parents wouldn't care much anyway and just send me to a psych ward with hopes and prayers and when i come back broken they won't care after

i don't think i'll find anyone, time is limited, and i don't have enough time to meet thousands of people, and the people who would all mesh well with me are living in other places because they didn't have the misfortune to be born in this country

there's also the problem that i'd have to find a girl who wouldn't discriminate against me for, uh, being trans, which is going to be pretty hard. aren't you trans or am i mistaking you for someone else? if you are, then i hope you can at least empathize..

 

[burninghill]

oh my gosh hii i've seen you around too when i was a lurker

im trying not to but ugh i think my parents wouldn't care much anyway and just send me to a psych ward with hopes and prayers and when i come back broken they won't care after

i don't think i'll find anyone, time is limited, and i don't have enough time to meet thousands of people, and the people who would all mesh well with me are living in other places because they didn't have the misfortune to be born in this country

there's also the problem that i'd have to find a girl who wouldn't discriminate against me for, uh, being trans, which is going to be pretty hard. aren't you trans or am i mistaking you for someone else? if you are, then i hope you can at least empathize..

I am trans. I transitioned into being male when I was 15, then started to identify as 'genderqueer' 2 years ago (he/she). I think most people on here perceive me as a woman and I'm totally fine with that, to be honest I prefer it that way here, but in person I'm usually referred to as a man. Best of both worlds.

It really hurts to see people in my community hurting this way. I'm thankful that my expression in terms of gender and sexuality has never been a factor in my suicidality, but I know for a lot of people that isn't the case.

I understand what you mean when you say your time is limited. I'm really sorry. I know there's only so much I can say that would make you feel better.

Having friends overseas is still really valuable. All of my closest friends, the ones who've understood me most, I've met online. It helps that I'm depressed so don't really have the energy or desire to see them.

I hope it brings you some comfort that there's people HERE who care about you and don't want to see you get hurt.

 

[meowpuppy]

I am trans. I transitioned into being male when I was 15, then started to identify as 'genderqueer' 2 years ago (he/she). I think most people on here perceive me as a woman and I'm totally fine with that, to be honest I prefer it that way here, but in person I'm usually referred to as a man. Best of both worlds.

It really hurts to see people in my community hurting this way. I'm thankful that my expression in terms of gender and sexuality has never been a factor in my suicidality, but I know for a lot of people that isn't the case.

I understand what you mean when you say your time is limited. I'm really sorry. I know there's only so much I can say that would make you feel better.

Having friends overseas is still really valuable. All of my closest friends, the ones who've understood me most, I've met online. It helps that I'm depressed so don't really have the energy or desire to see them.

I hope it brings you some comfort that there's people HERE who care about you and don't want to see you get hurt.

yeah but i can't really find online friends either, beside online friends don't help with me being, like, touch starved? idk how to describe it. lacking physical touch from peers of a similar age and of the same gender with similar interests and viewpoints, maybe. and online friends are probably, in a way, harder to get because they have to choose you as a friend as opposed to the many options

 

[OnnanokoNiNaritai]

It sucks to read this and remember that i am trans too... 1 in 2 trans people self harms and 1 in 4 attemps suicide so it makes sence for there to be so many trans people in this types of forums.
I just wish you two the best of life and that burninghill andmeowpuppy can stop and never start sh respectively.
Beins transgender can suck ass and i myself started feeling anxious when i found out about my true identity. It is just that kind of things in life we need to hug and learn to live whit. Its part of ourselves and will always be.
I just want yall to take care of yourselfs please, and sorry for anny shitty grammar since english is farm from my first language

EDIT: or should we move this to dms because i feel bad about this

Also, feel bad for what?

 

[burninghill]

yeah but i can't really find online friends either, beside online friends don't help with me being, like, touch starved? idk how to describe it. lacking physical touch from peers of a similar age and of the same gender with similar interests and viewpoints, maybe. and online friends are probably, in a way, harder to get because they have to choose you as a friend as opposed to the many options

Yeah, I understand. We could talk more if you want? Obviously if you let me know your age first haha.

 

[meowpuppy]

Yeah, I understand. We could talk more if you want? Obviously if you let me know your age first haha.

today's literally my 19th birthday gang i think if you have to ask for an age on this site you're a bit too old :(


im also really shy and im not super great w/ one-on-one convos but like if you really want to i could probably muster up some charisma

Also, feel bad for what?

thanks for your kind words. i still feel bad about, well, being sad, really, in a way that isn't highly intellectualized. i wish i had something to say or do other than "i'm sad".

 

[burninghill]

today's literally my 19th birthday gang i think if you have to ask for an age on this site you're a bit too old :(


im also really shy and im not super great w/ one-on-one convos but like if you really want to i could probably muster up some charisma

thanks for your kind words. i still feel bad about, well, being sad, really, in a way that isn't highly intellectualized. i wish i had something to say or do other than "i'm sad".

Old? I'm 20!! Talk about being humbled haha. I think this site is 18+ but age restrictions are really easy to bypass so it's always easier to be safe than sorry.

It's fine if you don't want to talk. I just thought it might help. My messages are always open if you need them.